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Innrukia posted on 2-3-2013 04:50 PM 
Thanks. Make sure you stay with these thread till the end. I'll share chapter by chapter, includin ...
oh yes i will..read that post, and i'm 100% sure i'm not a pursuer..i've never declared officially as gf to anyone, i've never said those 3 words, 8 letters to any boys..i'm always amazed at how girls can get so clingy and the 'cant live without my bf' type becoz honestly i never felt like that..i've been in love (never actually adress the rship), and like the summary said, i hurt him before he can hurt me (altough yes i did admit altough it first feels good, when he finally leaves me out of disappointment, i do cry a river)
never realize i have this prob until my bff question me on my lacking of 'relationship' where she finally concludes that i have a big ego on love and relationship..
until...
the summary of female distancer..
i think i found the correct representation...
will stay tuned to this thread.. 
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missus_meow posted on 2-3-2013 06:01 PM
depends gak coz ade org x kesah pon kene tembak caner ... hati kering ke over confident ke or dora ...
hehe..sensitif terlebih..sbb dia rasa topik tertentu yg dibincang penting bg dia..
tu pasei statement2 yg du bg mcm mrh even x nmpk mrhnya..tp tersirat bila kita faham tersiratnya..
p/s : kak :@missus_meow ,jom ke tred ni :
http://mforum2.cari.com.my/forum ... age%3D1&page=62 Last edited by sue_0684 on 2-3-2013 06:12 PM
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sue_0684 posted on 2-3-2013 06:08 PM
hehe..sensitif terlebih..sbb dia rasa topik tertentu yg dibincang penting bg dia..
tu pasei state ...
lelaki sensitif susah nk cari tau 
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missus_meow posted on 2-3-2013 06:11 PM
lelaki sensitif susah nk cari tau
rare species..
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Chapter 4 : Developmental stages and relationship patterns
PART I
Across a crowded room you will be attracted to a stranger because he seems familiar. The attraction is based on unconscious images of your parents, siblings, or even aunt & uncle. It can be a mustache, smile, color of his eyes, height or weight that trigger your attraction.
This image is what Dr. Hendrix calls IMAGO. It’s an unconscious composite of your parents’ positive & negative traits. When you meet your imago, your unconsciously sense an opportunity to ‘fix’ some of the ‘wrongs’ of your childhood. It’s the positive traits that make your knees weak, but the negative traits are actually more magnetic on an unconscious level. The chemistry that turns you on is reminiscent of your childhood whose love & affection you are still trying to recreate. Your unconscious mind says, “Here’s a man who can make all my troubles go away. He can make up for all the thing that went ‘wrong’ in my childhood & previous relationships and recapture what went right!”
Everything goes smooth until about several date which is when you begin to notice his negative traits. Your Imago’s negative traits are powerful triggers that bring back unpleasant memories from your childhood & set off a cascade of painful emotions. What initially attracted you begins to repel you. The image of your partner who is most attractive to you is buried deep within your unconscious mind. Your Imago has a dominant influence over the type of partner you seek, the way you relate to him & how happy you will be together. The relationship script you wrote as a child is based on both the Imago you created & the childhood wounds you suffered.
Many people break up becoz they think their partner should only display positive character traits & they don’t want to accept the negative traits. When I say we pick the one who gives us the most trouble, I mean that the love of our life is also our crucible – meaning a test @ trial that will challenge us. Your crucible will be the one who will push your most tender emotional buttons & force you to stretch your comfort zone & grow. That’s the way it supposed to work. Choosing the partner who gives you the most trouble is Mother Nature’s way of giving you a 2nd chance to go back & heal your early wounds from childhood. Your partner is your crucible becoz he brings you face to face with your old & often buried, heartaches. The partners who sometimes make us want to pull our hair out (or theirs) are actually the ones who teach us the most. 
If your relationship history is filled with carbon copies of the same man in different packages, its because these men are precisely what you need most for your own development. They may not be ‘the ones’ you want to live happily ever after with but they are sure to be important stepping stones. Plus they give you a chance to practice the skills you’re learning, so you are more confident when the “love of your life” enters the picture.
According to Dr. Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, relationships are created & should be nurtured & maintained so we can “finish our childhood with our partner, instead of running from our partner.”
Certain needs must be met in each developmental stage of infancy & childhood. Needs that were not met – or that you perceived were not met – come out in frustration with your partner. Since your perception of the world as an infant & child was so narrow, the occasions when your parents didn’t understand @ meet your needs become exaggerated& imprinted in your mind. From these experiences you formulated an unconscious picture of a “perfect parent or attachment figure”. As an adult, you project this unrealistic image of your “perfect parent” on to your partner @ potential partner. Your hidden hope is that this partner will meet your earlier unmet & somehow magically “complete you”.
The trouble begins when you get angry with your partner @ date for having negative traits you associate with your parents & are trying to avoid. Ironically since the negative traits create a stronger attraction, if your partner didn’t have them, you wouldn’t have been drawn to him in the 1st place. Fritz Perls, founder of Gestalt Therapy, suggests we all have “unfinished business” with our parents becoz all of our needs were not met all of the time. He suggests this unfinished business becomes “frozen” at some point in our childhood, & begins to “thaw” in adulthood when we enter a relationship with someone who fits our Imago.
For example, Judy was attracted to one elusive man after another becoz her mother was overbearing & she was afraid of being smothered in a relationship. If you objectively look at your date or partner’s traits, you can easily see them in your parents.
Understanding these early stages of development & attachment gives you valuables clues for your past, present & future relationships. A greater understanding will give you more compassion for your parents, your partner & yourself. Reviewing the Developmental stages will help you realize that many of your “fantasies” about your relationships revolve around your unconscious desire to return to nivana – that early stage of life – beginning in the womb – when all of your needs were met. You may not want to admit it but everyone has a fantasy of being infant again. Hedonistic pleasure of getting what you want without having to give anything in return is hard to compete with. But once you understand your history you can learn the necessary steps for connecting, disconnecting, & reconnecting with your parents & your partners in ways that nurture rather than end relationships.
Last edited by Innrukia on 2-3-2013 06:39 PM
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nmi posted on 2-3-2013 05:04 PM
oh yes i will..read that post, and i'm 100% sure i'm not a pursuer..i've never declared officially ...
you can share your case for every chapter that i post. maybe we can discuss what is the best to overcome your distancer traits. like a case study
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sue_0684 posted on 2-3-2013 08:16 PM
wahh...akak dah jdik dr love ke?marah ipan tu nanti..
kolling2 :@ifanonline ....
dia x m ...
Dr. Love la sgt
caner sue after 3 chapter? any comment?
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sue_0684 posted on 2-3-2013 08:30 PM
x leh komen lg kak..chpter 4 x bc lagi..
x leh digest....
sbb asyik dok bc update pasal Lahad ...
ok slow2 digest...
akak pun sambil menyelam minum air...merata duk bukak baca...
nasib ada multitask skill
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PART II
Your relationship fears are rooted in your early development
The fear planted in most boys is that of losing themselves, their independence or their masculinity. It stems from being stifled @ confined usually by their mothers when they needed to be separate & being independent when they needed to be dependent. Consequently as men they want to be free & unattached.
The fear seeded in most women is that of being rejected or abandoned. This leads to their distrust & driving need to gain “self” through a close relationship with a love partner. They are manifested in the feeling of “you’re never there for me”
When you review your developmental stages you can see how you became a pursuer or a distance. You can glean insight into why your relationship script reads like it does & how you formed your Imago.
a) Sweet little bundle of joy : Birth to 18 months
This stage you are supposed to learn how to trust & connect. If your parents were warm & affectionate, were readily available to attend your needs & connected to you by holding you, making eye contact with you * fusing over you by cooing singing to you & smiling, you made a secure connection.
If your parents were inconsistent in their affection or pushed you away when you cried @ needed their attention, you developed a fear of abandonment. The more you fear abandonment the more you behave like a “Pursuer” in your adult relationship.
b) Terrific toddlers & terrible Twos : 18 month to 3 years
During this stage children are learning how to separate, or disconnect from their parents @ caregivers & how to return or reconnect. They want a little disconnection with their parents, but not so much that it’s frightening. Some parents becoz of their own childhood wounds, feel rejected when the child begins to connect with other people & explore his/her surrounding.
Research indicates parents are better at disconnecting & reconnecting with their daughters than their sons. This is the stage where 80% of boys & 20% of girls get stuck & feel smothered or suffocated by their parents. This early childhood fear leads to “distancing” behavior. They avoid closeness becoz it triggers these early memories & makes them fear they’re losing their independence.
This is when the boys begin to disconnect with their mothers & identify with their fathers. They usually don’t complete this process until they are between 5-7 years old, but the pain & guilt of separation begins here. If they are not welcomed back lovingly or if they are held on to for too long by their mothers, this manifests in having trouble with connecting, disconnecting & reconnecting with partners in adult relationship.
c) Dolls & Balls and being Me: 3 to 4 Years.
Between this year children wants to prove he @ she is an “individual” separate from parents, but still connected. Children who receive negative feedback or none at all develop shame, inadequacy & a sense of being “invisible”. This children become adults who have a fear of intimacy becoz they feel ashamed, inadequate, rejected when close feelings are triggered.
d) I’m good enough, aren’t I : 4 to 5 years
These stage children make a decision about whether they are “adequate” or “good enough”. If parents expect too much or too little, the child feels inadequate.
Parents who behave inconsistently by praising a child for an action one time & getting angry another time confuse the child. This create a paralysis where the child is afraid to take action & reasonable risks or make decisions for fear of making the wrong choice & being punished. Hello Commitment Phobia.
e) The Oedipal Stage : 5 to 7 years
This stage little girl learning to separate from their fathers & identify from their mother. And little boy are supposed to complete their separation from their mothers & identify solely with their father. Boys have to take an extra step in their development. To separate, or disconnect, they must give up their dependency on their mothers. Consequently they equate independence with distance. They secretly want to identify with their mother & get nurturing & gentle reliance from their primary caregiver, but they afraid of merging with her & becoming feminine. Boys don’t leap this breakup gracefully & the wounds they incur affect their intimacy with women their entire lives. He’s afraid merging with you, & at the same time, that’s what he really want. That’s why after a tender moment he tend to act distant @ move away from you – either physically, emotionally or both.
Some mothers have hard time letting their little boys go, & this can make the boy feel guilty for leaving or distancing from her. A man with this script will disappear from a relationship if a woman makes him feel guilty about not meeting her needs (such as not calling her or seeing her) or if he fears he can’t meet her needs.
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PART III
How childhood wounds are translated into Adult Behavior
Self talk:
Distancer
• I cant get close to you because you’ll smother me & complicate my life
• I’m afraid to depend on you & afraid to want to
Pursuer
• You don’t love me unless you want to validate & meet my needs
• I can’t depend on you
Scripted Behavior:
Distancer
• Distancing, disconnecting, passive-aggression
• Avoidance of intimacy & commitment
• Ambivalence & withholding
Pursuer
• Pursuing ‘reactive’ distancing
• Craves intimacy & commitment
• Clingy & needy
Complaints
About the Distancer:
• He’s cold & unfeeling
• He won’t connect
• He doesn’t announce it or check in with how I feel when he disconnects @ reconnects
• He says yes, but means no
• Avoids discussion like the plague, especially about the relationship; he’s allergic to my upset.
• He says the opposite of what he feels.
• He’s mind-reading instead of fact-finding
• He’s selfish
About the Pursuer:
• She’s too emotional & needy
• She never give me space
• She doesn't announce when she’s angry, she expect me to know.
• She won’t take no for an answer.
• She always want to talk about relationship
• She gives too much so I feel guilty.
Highest value:
Distancer
Independence & freedom
Pursuer
Partnership & close connection
Response to conflict:
Distancer
• Disconnects & distance
• Blames & punishes
• Psychological discomfort
• Invalidates
• Wants peace at any price
• Avoids re connection
Pursuer
• Demands, blames & chastises as a way to get movement
• Invalidates
• Want resolution at any price
• Feels anxiety & pushes for re connection too soon
To rewrite the script:
Distancer
• Learn to connect, disconnect & reconnect more smoothly & by announcing & preparing partner for your movement
• Announce your need for space. With love
• Move forward, when you want to go distant
• Express your needs & fear
• Share your wound
• Validate your partner’s need even if you don’t agree with them
• Don’t get hurt by Pursuer’s words or upset. Risk & confront, even if she’s upset
Pursuer
• Learn to get comfortable with movements between connection, disconnection & reconnection
• Announce your need for connection
• Move back, when you want to pursue
• Express your needs & fear
• Share your wound
• Validate your partner’s need even if you don’t agree with them
• Desensitize yourself to rejection & abandonment to ease your anxiety.
In the next chapter, we'll learn how to take charge of our relationship and make it over.... Last edited by Innrukia on 2-3-2013 10:16 PM
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CHAPTER 5 : THE EIGHT STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS
Every relationship moves through predictable stages but for some reason people believe that a “good” relationship is one long honeymoon that endures until death. By this definition there are no good relationships!
The reason relationships stop before they start & so many singles & couples break up instead of makeup is because we change partners instead of shifting & changing gears. It’s unrealistic to think a relationship can blossom without some growing pains. Strong relationships have problems & troubles, so strive to have 5 times as much positive interaction as you have negative.
Euphoria Stage – The Honeymoan
The 1st stage of a relationship, isn’t supposed to last. It’s at the beginning for a good reason. You feel this way becoz your brain is stimulating the release of powerful “feel-good hormones” called vasopressin & oxytocin, which overpower your fears. This somewhat superficial stage is very powerful becoz if we couldn’t put our fears on hold, few of us would ever truly connect. The Euphoria stage is a spontaneous “falling in love” feeling, but it is not a conscious decision to love each other. During this stage we are virtually blind to each other’s negative traits. We’re driven our heart & hormones, not our head. We can’t make wise choices under these circumstances. How many times have you said “I can’t believe I didn't see that in him!” – referring to 1 of his negative traits that you were virtually blind during Euphoria stage.
At this early stage, we don’t recognize any troubles, problems, conflicts or need for change. For that reason, we don’t see a need to learn how to resolve conflicts or deal with changes until the “high” wear off. Forget about how men/women are “supposed” to act & trade in your polite small talk for dialogue that opens the door for true connection. It’s not only okay to let a man know your needs & fear (and give him a safe way to express his own) it’s essential.
The trouble is that we mistake the Euphoria stage for real love. Some studies show that our parents would pick better partners for us than we can pick for ourselves because we are not thinking clearly when we are in this stage (I’m impressed how US Psychologist agreed with this statement, but we Malaysian would say it kolot, if parents pilihkan calon).
We say “I’ve fallen in love,” but in reality we have fallen in lust! When we are in Euphoria, we are blinded by our infatuation & fooled by the popular belief that this surge of emotions & hormones is love. We want to savor it & prolong it becoz it feels so good. Many relationships end right after this stage because people think they have “fallen out” of love when in fact, they are actually moving toward it. If you give up when the hormones subside it is truly a cop-out based on your own fantasies. It’s your fear of commitment talking, not your mind & heart.
Smart heart skills
- Enjoy the bliss, but don’t expect it to last forever. If it did, you would both burn out from exhaustion!
- See both side of your date or partner. Don’t idealize him/her or you will surely be disillusioned in the near future. Look for the negatives & get comfortable with them.
- Begin sharing your wounds
- Start practicing problem solving skills now with small & benign issues so you will be prepared when the real power struggles begin.
Last edited by Innrukia on 2-3-2013 11:08 PM
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Innrukia posted on 2-3-2013 11:06 PM
CHAPTER 5 : THE EIGHT STAGES OF RELATIONSHIPS
Every relationship moves through predictable stages ...
thank u for the article..i'll read it..
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Category: Cinta & Perhubungan
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Post time 2-3-2013 04:50 PM
Author
..
... 
![[Edisi pungpakkepung] Azri Iskandar dan kekasih baru?](https://uf.cari.com.my/forumx/mforum/block/62/62a9916c86939915da4c31ecede21a19.jpg)
