Childwise (pelbagai artikel)

Syd

Learning through play
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW

Games can teach children the spirit of cooperation.

YOUNG children play games mainly for fun. Many children抯 games help them learn to problem-solve, and develop motor and language skills. However, competition is often the focus of most games our children play.

Childhood games such as musical chairs or cat-and-mouse emphasise on winning. At the end of the game, those who lose will be sidelined and often feel like failures.

Children need games that focus on getting along and playing as a team. Instead of pushing or trying to outdo each other, children can also enjoy games that require them to help one another achieve success. Children as young as two years of age can care and feel for others.

The game of musical chairs, often played at children抯 parties, can be upsetting to those who get eliminated because they did not sit on a chair when the music stopped.

This game focuses on who ends up as the winner and does not centre on children抯 involvement. Children would shove and push one another to get a seat so that they can win.

Parents should consider games that are not only fun but encourage children to be part of a community. While we are eager to get our children to develop competitive skills, we do not want them to trample on others along the way.

Children can learn from an early age that they garner more from helping others to succeed than concentrating on self-gain only.

Here are some suggestions on how to make games less competitive and teach children to be more cooperative:

Musical chairs

Tell children that this game will require them to work together to find a place for everyone. They can be creative in the way they all sit together.

Set up two lines of chairs for as many children there are in the game. As the music plays, the children will walk around the chairs.

Remove one chair before the music stops. Everyone will find a place for one another to sit down. They can share their seats. By the end of the game, when there is only one chair left, children can decide what they want to do so everyone can still be together.

Mother, may I?

The whole family can play this game. For starters, a parent can take the lead by giving out the instructions. All the other players will stand a distance from the parent. One by one, each player will ask: 揗other, may I?

Syd

Building trust
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

How to help your child overcome her fear of washing hair.

MY daughter will be four years old in two months’ time. She is terrified of washing her hair. This has been a problem for her from very young.

I have tried many ways to get her to relax when taking a shower. For example, she role-plays washing hair for her Barbie doll, plays with her toys in the bathtub and sing songs.

When I asked her why she was so scared of washing her hair, she told me she was afraid that water would get into her eyes. She asked me to get her a pair of goggles. – Worried Mother

Your daughter may have gotten soap suds into her eyes, nose or mouth when washing her hair. Listen carefully to what she has to tell you about her problems with hair washing.

Don’t be too quick to brush aside her feelings. She may be sensitive to the way you approach her problem. The more time you spend listening attentively to your child, the better she will feel.

Many children around this age have problems with water and soap getting into their eyes. They worry even at the anticipation of having their hair washed. Sometimes no amount of coaxing can convince them.

Your child needs to feel she is in control when it comes to washing her hair. You can make suggestions but the final decision lies with her. When one way does not work, try another. Let her find the most suitable way to wash her hair so that she will be reassured that she will not get water into her eyes.

Try out her suggestion of using goggles. Focus on the best way for her to have her hair washed. A suggestion coming from your daughter is always worth trying because she feels she has the power to make a change.

Offer to let her wash your hair to show you how she wants her hair washed. Organise a family hair wash session where everyone gets a hair wash. Explore different ways of washing hair, for example, using a towel to cover the face or having hair washed with the head tilted to the back. This is a fun way for everyone in the family to help your daughter work out her problem.

You may want to give her a mirror to look at how her hair is being washed while you are doing it. Children feel less fear when they can see what is going on.

Use a cooperative approach instead of providing her with the answers that you think may work. Be patient with her. It may take some time before she feels reassured. Children in their early childhood years build their confidence gradually but surely.

To settle her fears, you need to help her work on possible solutions. Avoid telling her what is best for her; rather, let her try to work it out using different approaches. While it may take time for her to let go of her fears, your support and trust can make a big difference.

Syd

Comfort habit
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

Excessive self-touching should be viewed seriously.

MY three-and-a-half-year-old son is quite active and adorable. Of late, I caught him playing with his penis. It surprised me and I tried hard to be discreet in handling the situation.

I asked him what he was doing and he replied that he was just playing. He then asked me to turn away or watch TV or carry on with what I was doing and leave him alone to play.

The third time, I caught him off-guard. I asked him why he was playing with his penis, and whether it was itchy. I also enquired whether anyone had touched him there.

He quickly changed topic and ignored me. When I probed further, he said his dad taught him. I asked my hubby and he said he never taught him that.

I then told my son that he lied to me and that it was not right to lie. Then he named his cousin brother. He kept on changing his answers each time I asked him.

Just yesterday, he locked himself in the bedroom. I couldn’t get in and he finally opened the door after one or two minutes.

I asked him what he was doing and if he was playing with his penis again. He said no.

I pulled down his pants and his penis was erect. I then asked him if he enjoyed doing it. He said it was itchy down there.

Is this something unusual or part of growing up? I’m worried that he will continue to do this elsewhere, or when he is on his own.

Both my husband and I never behave badly and we hardly get intimate with him around. I wonder what caused him to react in this manner.

A babysitter is looking after my son. She is also looking after two girls, aged two and four. – Worried Mother

First, start by taking your child to see a medical professional to rule out a medical issue, such as infection or even possible exposure to sexual abuse.

When a preschooler shows excessive self-touching, you have to look into the matter seriously. Barring all medical issues, it is normal for a preschooler to touch himself as he explores and develops body awareness.

Often, young boys will touch, scratch or tug in that area. In the course of doing this, many toddlers and preschoolers discover that they get a pleasant sensation from touching themselves.

Dr Gwen Smith, retired paediatrician, mother of five and grandmother of seven, says that children at this age are discovering their own bodies.

Your son has probably found that this is an interesting part of him. It is not necessary to attribute his behaviour to someone else having taught him to do so.

He has no knowledge of sexual function. His behaviour is not immoral although socially unacceptable to people who are not used to dealing with small children.

Dr Smith added that it is better not to reinforce his interest by paying a lot of attention to his behaviour. Distraction is the best approach. Don’t make him feel guilty. This is often a self-comforting behaviour.

You may also want to consider whether there is any reason for him to need to use a comfort habit at this time. Is there a new sibling or a new teacher in school? Are you moving house?

Find out if your child is upset over certain changes in his daily routines. Don’t call attention to this by discussing it with other adults while he is there and listening. Any sort of attention will reinforce the behaviour.

Avoid confronting your son with questions that may worry or frighten him. You may want to take some time to explain about his body and his private parts. You can also talk about privacy like when he goes to the bathroom.

If you feel uncomfortable with his self-touching, keep him occupied with “hands-on” activities such as playdough, building blocks, craft play and simple cooking activities.

It is also advisable to do spot-checks at his babysitter’s house. Make observations of your son at play with other children as well as his interactions with other adults.

It is important to know what is going on at different times of his life. This will help you deal with the developmental changes in your son.

Syd

Striking a balance
CHILDWISE:By RUTH LIEW

Where do parents’ rights end and children’s rights begin?

WE LIVE in a world filled with different ways of expressing life. Every parent has his or her own way of raising children.

There are parents who believe that children should be told what to do and set right by strict disciplinary rules.

Other parents prefer to raise their children by offering them guidance in making their own choices.

We would like to think that every child is safe under the protection and guidance of his or her parents. But sadly, with the rising number of child abuse and neglect cases in our society, we must view with seriousness how parents deal with their children.

There have been too many incidents where the rights of children were violated. We cannot condone any form of violence against children.

The United Nations Declaration of the Rights of the Child states that “children have the right to special protection, and facilities to enable them to develop in a healthy and normal manner, in freedom and dignity” and “love and understanding and an atmosphere of affection and security, in the care and under the responsibility of their parents whenever possible.”

One parent I talked to was of the opinion that children will become spoilt brats if the cane is not used to discipline them.

She said she was a responsible adult whose parents used physical punishment on her. Her young boys know how to behave because they fear the cane.

Another parent said she chose to raise her children without the cane because she did not want them to fear her, the way she feared her own father.

She wanted a different kind of relationship with her children, one that stems from respect and not fear.

Her father used to hit her to manage her misbehaviour. As an adult, she still finds it hard to communicate her feelings and opinions to him.

Parents are caretakers of their children’s rights. Joan E. Durrant, a child-clinical psychologist who authored a parents’ manual on positive discipline (Save the Children, Sweden, 2007), stated that parents need help with parenting.

She wrote that many parents still rely on instincts or their childhood experiences. They have not given much thought to their reactions to their young children. Sometimes parents may have childhood experiences that are negative and violent.

Parents who have little knowledge of what discipline is all about, end up thinking that scolding and hitting are the only ways to manage their children.

No parent does all the right things and none of the wrong things. We all want to do what is best for our children and ourselves.

To do the job right, parents need information on child development and know-how to set the right goals for their children.

Parents have the right to make choices for their children. It is up to them to ensure their children have a reasonable opportunity to develop in a healthy and normal manner.

These include the right to adequate nutrition, housing, recreation and medical services, as well as love, security, education and protection against abuse and discrimination.

Research studies find that children are sensitive to the way parents deal with their challenging behaviour.

They imitate parental behaviour in using force and anger to solve problems. Many behavioural problems in children are the result of how their parents disciplined them.

Parents can explain things to children and provide them with the resources and knowledge to make informed decisions. They should then respect their children’s choices. As they guide their children based on their own values and beliefs, they should also respect their children’s choices in developing their own values and beliefs.

Do parents have the right to decide the values and traditions by which their children are to be raised, or do children have a right to choose these for themselves?

I believe parents who have positive self-awareness and are confident that they are doing right by their children, can strike a balance between the rights of children and those of parents.

Parents are not only teachers; they are also learners. As we embark on this parenting journey, we will learn many lessons about ourselves and our children.

Syd

Safety concerns
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW


Be mindful of your children抯 safety at all times.

EARLY one morning, as I was getting into my car, I spotted two preschoolers playing between several parked cars outside a neighbour抯 house. They were unsupervised. Their grandmother had let them out to wait for their ride from another neighbour.

I have driven through neighbourhoods where children played in the middle of the road or suddenly dashed out into a busy road to retrieve a ball. I often see toddlers running across a car park, ahead of the family.

Ensuring children抯 safety in the home, community and school is a paramount task. Young children need to live in a safe environment. They are too young to know and understand danger. It is important to teach them about danger but this is not enough to keep them safe. It is the responsibility of every adult in the child抯 life to keep him safe.


Parents keeping a watchful eye over their children. Kids need to play in a safe environment.

When they are babies and toddlers, most of their injuries happen at home. As they grow and start exploring their neighbourhoods, injuries can occur in the park or on the roads while playing with friends.

When they are of preschool and school age, their judgment of what is safe or unsafe can still be fuzzy. So never store cleaning chemicals in children抯 shampoo bottles; they may think it is safe to use.

Adults must keep in mind that it is their responsibility to monitor children抯 safety at all times and never assume that verbal warnings of danger to young children will be heeded.

Here are 10 tips on keeping children safe at home and in the neighbourhood:

1. Get rid of the danger

If something in the house is posing a potential danger to your children, get rid of it immediately. For example, matches or your wine collection or medication should be kept in a locked cabinet. Keep any poisonous substance in its original clearly labelled bottle, away from children.

2. Plan your child抯 outdoor play area

Ensure that children play far away from cars. Play badminton with your children in the nearby park, not on the road outside your house. Remind your children about outdoor safety rules before they go out. Children should not be allowed to run out to pick up their ball or toys. Make it a rule that an adult should be the one to retrieve it.

3. Ensure your child has protective gear

Children need to wear helmets when they ride their bicycle, and understand road safety rules if they are old enough to cycle outside the house. Parents must go along on these rides to ensure safety. They can have fun along the way too.

4. Be a good role model

Children observe how their parents drive on the road. If their parents are reckless and have little respect for other road users, chances are their children will not pay attention to safety either. Only drive off when every passenger in the car is buckled up.

5. Teach your child how to treat animals

A two-year-old boy I knew was bitten by the family dog because he was constantly pulling its tail and kicking it. Adults should supervise young children when they are with animals.

6. Help your child learn skills

Any tool if used incorrectly may pose a danger to the one using it. Children should be taught how to use tools the correct way. Show them how to climb down safely from the stairs or a tree.

7. Know where your child is

Make it a rule that your older children should always inform you where and when they are going out to play with the neighbourhood children. Be sure your neighbour knows your child is in her house. Adult supervision is required during children抯 playtime. Offer your house for children to play in if you are worried that your neighbour is unable to provide adequate supervision.

8. Stop dangerous play

When you see your child doing something dangerous, stop it immediately. Pick him up and put him in another place. Rather than waiting for him to respond to you, you can stop him first before you explain the danger he was in. Children may not be able to respond quickly. Adults have to act without delay.

9. Beware of dangers in the driveway

If you have to move your car in the driveway, make sure your child is not nearby. There are many blind spots in the car. The driver will not be able to see a toddler who is close to the car. Children who are unsupervised can easily move from one place to another without warning. That is why an adult should stay with a young child when cars are being driven out.

10. Keep your first aid box ready

Emergency numbers should be pasted near your phone or have them listed in your handphone. Constantly evaluate your home and neighbourhood safety plan when taking care of young children.

Syd

Lip biter
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Toddlers’ negative habits should be managed positively.

MY son is two and a half years old. He likes to bite his lips when he is sleepy. He picked up this habit when I stopped breastfeeding him at about one year old.

He does it often now – when he is alone, sleepy, watching TV or on long car rides.

Can I put some chilli or minyak angin on his lips to discourage him from biting them? – Concerned Mother

WHEN toddlers develop habits such as nail-biting, hair-pulling, thumb-sucking or lip-biting, parents should find out the cause. To change a habit, parents need to know what triggers the behaviour and use only positive management.

Your son started biting his lips at the time when he was weaned and became more self-aware.

Whenever he feels anxious, worried or lonely, he will bite his lips to channel off negative feelings. According to Dr Alicia F. Lieberman, author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler, as toddlers become more competent and aware of things around them, they will develop fears and insecurities.

Their security base is no longer the same. For example, your son used to find comfort in breastfeeding, but now he is no longer able to do so. At two years of age, your son is becoming more competent and independent but still needs to feel reassured.

He worries about a lot of things such as being left alone or travelling for long periods of time in a car.

You may want to help your child deal with the underlying reason for biting his lips, rather than working at stopping the habit. If you nag him about his lip-biting, he may do it more often to comfort himself.

Before you do anything to get rid of your son’s habit, you must recognise his feelings. Acknowledge them whenever possible so that he knows you are aware of how he feels.

When he is afraid, you can tell him: “You don’t like to be left alone. You are afraid that you cannot see Mummy.”

He may get anxious when he is watching something that is scary on television. Say to him: “You don’t like watching that man on television.” Be watchful to ensure that your child is not exposed to violent acts or display of behaviours that are confusing to a toddler. Keep him occupied with songs and simple games during long car journeys.

Your child needs to be occupied so that he does not bite his lips unknowingly. If he is feeling uncomfortable, try to help him relax by making more frequent pit-stops.

Toddlers fare better when they get a chance to run around to relax. They need to be active after sitting passively for a long time in the car.

Dr Lieberman also cautioned parents that toddlers are affected by the intuitive reactions to their behaviour and responses. If you perceive your toddler positively, and love and accept him unconditionally, he will respond in a like manner.

Syd

Negative labels
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

Name-calling is never an acceptable choice.

EVERY child is different. We want our children to grow up in a world where differences are accepted. If life were so simple, our children would be able to live without prejudice or discrimination.

The mother of a 12-year-old related the painful experience her only child had to endure throughout her primary school years. She had always been a timid girl. Every year there would be one classmate who would pick on her and call her names like 揊atty

Syd

We are family
CHILDWISE:By RUTH LIEW

Differences are meant to be celebrated.

CHILDREN come from a variety of backgrounds. It is up to parents to raise children’s awareness of cultural diversity and be tolerant towards people who live their lives differently. This tolerance and awareness in our children can help secure a harmonious and peaceful future.

I am currently in Budapest, Hungary, attending a Global Leaders’ international conference on children. There are over 70 countries represented at this conference.

The Global Leaders For Young Children, a project of the World Forum Foundation, hopes to promote greater appreciation and understanding of other cultures, and the importance of diversity and tolerance as core values in early childhood education. This means bringing peace to the world through our young children.

When I was a graduate student in Seattle, Washington, I had to undertake an observation study at a family daycare centre. One four-year-old walked up to me and asked: “Hi! I’m Korean. What are you?” She later told me that her parents were Americans who adopted her from Korea. Children seek ideas on how to cope with differences in opinion. They become curious about why other people have attitudes and values that are opposite of theirs. With each passing day, they gain a little experience and knowledge about how every family is different. Many children think that all families are pretty much the same. Every child has a father, a mother, and siblings. As children’s social territories expand, they start to realise that every family is different.

As children enter the middle childhood years, they learn that families come in different shapes and sizes. Some children live with two-parent families, while others live with their mother or father. There are children who live with their grandparents and those who live with foster parents. As children gain awareness of the diversity in family cultures and backgrounds, they learn more about themselves.

When children share information about other people and how they do things differently, they are not challenging our values. They just want us to know that they have discovered different ways of doing things and that their world is expanding.

Whenever children talk about the differences they notice in other people, listen carefully to what they are saying. Parents can help children develop a positive attitude towards the different physical characteristics of a person or the way he lives.

Children learn to accept people who are different from them because they respect them as individuals. It is important that children get to grow in a bias-free home environment.

Get interested in what your child discovers about other families. Make time to ask them questions and share similar facts about your friends. When my nine-year-old daughter told me that her friend, D, and his family were vegetarians, I told her that many of my friends are vegetarians, too. We talked about the reasons for being a vegetarian and the type of food that makes up a vegetarian diet. We even opted for a few vegetarian meals to gain better awareness.

Don’t keep your children in the dark when it comes to different viewpoints. We must learn to respect other people’s opinions. We do not have to agree with them but we can learn to live with them. Children who are exposed to different viewpoints do not get confused.

They may ask why people do not always agree. Parents can tell them about the varied customs that people have. Talk positively to your children about how diversity has its benefits. Choose the words carefully to avoid showing bias. Parents can inculcate the attitude of acceptance by reading stories and folk tales of different cultures to their children from a young age.

When children start to get interested in a different culture, parents can introduce them to the food and traditions of that culture.

Children can also attend the festivals celebrated by other communities. The more your child learns about other cultures, the more tolerant he will be of the differences in other people.

His growing acceptance of other people will help him to appreciate who he is and what he believes in. We must teach our children that there is no one person who is more superior or inferior than the others. Help your child become sensitive to what they are exposed to in the media. Hold discussions about what they read in the newspapers or the shows they watch on television.

Ask them whether the images portrayed are fair to everyone. Steer your children away from any negative influences in the media.

With their growing interest in other cultures, parents can also help children to look at their strengths, values, cultural background and traditions.

Children who have a strong identity have the ability to appreciate others. These children will grow into leaders of the future who can bring peace to society.

Syd

Stressed kids
CHILDWISE
RUTH LIEW


Young children need programmes that support their development.

THE early childhood years lay the foundation for healthy and productive lives. Since the mid-90s, brain research has shown that early experiences create the basis for life-long learning, behaviour, as well as physical and mental health.

We can no longer ignore that children need positive early experiences to build strong bodies and minds for the challenges ahead.

Many preschool programmes in the country emphasise didactic approaches to academic skills. We are beginning to structure learning time for children under four, cutting down on their time to explore and play freely.

One teacher commented that our children are compelled by demands to achieve academically. There is no time for being a child, having fun and making connections with the environment.

Children are busy completing worksheets and learning to succeed in school. Teachers have no time to teach other skills such as sharing and turn-taking at the playground. Children hardly get time to go out to the playground once they are in preschool.

It is imperative that the whole community consisting of policy-makers, parents and educators, support and implement early childhood programmes that are developmentally appropriate and balanced for the child.

Children need to learn basic skills before they can work on more complex and abstract ones. We know that the brain circuit that processes information is wired earlier than those that process more complex information.

A three-year-old is eager to work with his hands to build blocks. He is ready to figure out how to put the blocks together so that they will not tumble. Instead, his nursery school teacher puts a pencil in his right hand and asks him to write the letter “a”.

If parents constantly pressure children to perform tasks that are beyond their ability, their children will feel stressed. Standardised tests have adverse effects on children. Some parents only focus on how well their children perform in tests and neglect other aspects of their development.

Many children in primary school have poor coordination skills. They do not get enough exercise. Their time is taken up doing a great deal of indoor activities. They hardly get to go outdoors for games and physical workouts.

Parents, caregivers and teachers must look into the social and emotional development of young children. It is always better to get things right the first time, than try to fix it later. How the child feels will affect how he thinks and learns.

Many preschoolers are unhappy because their needs have not been met. They learn a great deal through play but their teachers insist that they focus on their workbooks. As they enter primary school, they find it more difficult to express their feelings, as they did not get to do that when they were younger.

We need an understanding of the science of early childhood and brain development.

We need a concerted effort to make programmes for young children compatible to their needs. Having the right ideas on paper will not do much good. Getting it right in implementation is more important. Our children need programmes that support their physical, social, emotional, language and cognitive development.

Syd

Handy, fun toys
CHILDWISE WITH RUTH LIEW

Blocks open up endless opportunities for play.

BLOCKS are traditional open-ended toys that children of all ages can play with. They inspire children to learn and create. Through block play, children learn basic skills and enjoy hours of fun, building and taking apart.

Made of plastic or wood, blocks come in different shapes and sizes. As children grow and learn, their block play develops in stages. This is one toy that will yield many satisfying experiences for care-givers and children.

Infants love to hold the blocks, mouth them and throw them on the floor. Toddlers explore the properties of blocks by moving, touching, holding and feeling them instead of building with them. They will load them on a wagon and pull them around or pack them up in boxes.

If you build a tower of blocks, your toddler will happily knock it down.

Around the age of three, children are likely to stack the blocks in rows, either vertically or horizontally, repeating the same pattern over and over. By age four, children start building structures, especially bridges.
Blocks allow children to learn while having fun.

Initially, the child will use two blocks and place them slightly apart. He will put one block between the two blocks. As he works on the concept of a bridge, his building structures will become more elaborate.

This is also the stage for the child to develop problem-solving skills by following certain building patterns or experimenting with various structures.

Adult involvement can help the child to plan carefully and decide how he can build both horizontal and vertical enclosed structures.

To help children expand on their block play, parents can offer props that go with the topic of the block structure to facilitate imaginative play. Accessories such as measuring tools, task cards, plastic animals, toy vehicles, traffic signs and flags, add to the fun of pretending.

Here are ways to maximise the fun and learning in block play:

Create space for block play

Store the blocks in open storage bins on a low shelf for easy access. Children need to be able to reach the blocks that they want to play with.

Try to find an area in your home where your child can spread out, at least for a while. Children may want to leave their building structures and not take them down immediately when they stop playing with them. Be prepared for this to happen.

Follow the child’s lead

Children at any age like to take the lead during block play. Allow the child to create a scenario and direct the play. Ask him questions that will enhance his play and clarify the drama as it unfolds.

Listen carefully to his words as he talks about what he is setting up. To extend his play, you may want to ask: “The animals are out of the corral. What should we do?”

Talk about his block play

Get your child to describe what he is building or has built. Children between four and five years can verbalise what is happening and elaborate on what is being made. Sometimes they recreate scenes from the movies they watched or build what they saw on a field trip.

Talk about the colours and shapes of blocks that the child used. Notice the patterns he is following during block play. Talk about the positions of the blocks and count the number of blocks used.

Do not ask too many questions. Children do not always have a plan in mind. By asking open-ended questions or encouraging your child to talk about his structures, you are helping him to plan what he wants to build.

Help your child develop problem-solving skills

During block play, parents may jump in to fix a problem without realising that this may not be the best thing to do. When you spot that the building has no roof-top, refrain from adding one for your child. Let your child figure it out on his own.

You may want to look at pictures of houses and buildings, and ask your child to spot the items that he has added to his block structure or omitted.

Parents can help their children brainstorm and come up with solutions.

This is where the adult can offer an idea or two. Experiment with your child using new ideas until one works. Remember to praise your child when he succeeds.

Ask your child to describe his problem. Let him identify what is challenging for him. Listen to your child when he expresses his thoughts and feelings. He will learn to use certain words to describe his problems.

Keep a record of your child’s block play

Make your child’s play more meaningful by taking pictures of his creations and recording his stories.

Invite your child to draw his creations. Use a digital camera to document his block play, step-by-step.

You will notice emerging skills and skills which he has mastered as you document his block play.

Syd

Problem with schoolwork
CHILDWISE
RUTH LIEW

I HAVE two girls aged seven and 10. Both are studying in a Chinese-medium school. My older girl’s grades have dropped below average. How do I get her interested in her studies?

I have tried various ways such as sending her to group tuition as well as getting her private tutors.

I have tried hard to help her but to no avail. Now I have stopped all the extra classes. The only thing she attends is the after-school programme offered by her school.

There were times when she refused to do her homework by herself. She would wait until I come home before starting her homework.

She said she doesn’t feel confident about doing her homework. She is afraid of making mistakes and having to redo her homework. How can I make her understand the importance of homework? I have tried to explain to her but she does not seem to care at all. She seems nonchalant about the whole thing. – Worried Mother

For many children like your daughter, there may be more to her problem than just the lack of interest in doing homework. You may want to seek professional help to assess your child to see if she has a learning disability.

Go through her homework and find out what exactly your daughter is having problems with. You cannot help her learn when you do not know the difficulties she is facing.

Children have different learning styles. Your daughter may be struggling with the way the school expects her to learn and do her homework. Neither the school nor private tutors are able to meet her needs. It is important that you get to the root cause of your daughter’s reluctance to do homework and her falling grades.

You must find the best way for your child to learn before her confidence is destroyed by the wrong methods of teaching and learning for her.

You can help your child become successful by making sure she has a balanced and healthy lifestyle. She needs play and leisure time. She needs your understanding and support when she makes mistakes.

Your attitude towards her learning can encourage her to accept failures as part of learning and growing. She will work harder knowing that she will succeed one day.

I AM an unmarried mother with a three-year-old son. I have difficulty understanding my son because he has some attitude problem which I can’t stand. Sometimes even my father and mother can’t tolerate his behaviour.

For example, during breakfast, when asked not to kick the table or the chair, he would pretend not to hear us.

When I ask him to eat his breakfast he would say, “I don’t want.” But when I have finished my breakfast and am hurrying to go to work, he would cry out loud: “Mummy, I want to eat.”

Sometimes he likes to yell or scream. When I tell him not to do that, he would persist. There were times when I had to resort to caning him.

When he is good, he is such an angel, but when he starts his naughtiness, it is torture for me.

Is my son lacking a father figure in his life? Is my love for him not sufficient? I know raising a child is not easy. – Single Parent

In his bid for independence, your three-year-old son will test the boundaries around him. He will say “NO!” just to see how far he can go with that, and what kind of reaction he gets from the adults.

You are having problems dealing with your son because you are trying to do too much at one go. Toddlers like it better if you focus on one thing at a time. Be firm without being dominating. You do not want to impose your will on him but he must know that you mean business when you set rules and keep to them.

Your firmness means you are decisive and know what you are doing. No amount of spanking, scolding and threatening will succeed when your child knows sooner or later he will get what he wants.

As you try to discipline him, you feel guilty that he does not have a father. You are probably wondering if he would be better if he has a father.

Your guilt may cloud your better judgment when you deal with his misbehaviour. Your son’s behaviour is typical for his age. When he refuses to cooperate, you can implement the consequences of his behaviour.

For example, when he refuses breakfast when it is served, you should just remove it without fuss. When there is no “battle,” your son may soon join in when it is breakfast time.

Help him learn what is best for him. Set limits that are age and developmentally-appropriate for him.

He has a short attention span and he needs a lot of attention, especially when he has something to say.

At breakfast time, he can use a moderate voice to say what is on his mind. If he kicks the table or screams, he will have to leave the table.

Offer him encouraging words when he does well rather than only give him attention when he misbehaves. You are showing respect for his needs and wishes but not giving in to his whims and fancies.

Syd

Pivotal role
CHILDWISE
RUTH LIEW

RAISING children is a paradoxical task. It starts out really hard for parents who want to do a good job of caring for their children. You think that all the hard work will pay off as the child gets older, but things do not always stay the same.

Parents have to be consistent when dealing with children, yet they have to keep up with the changes as their children grow and develop.

One father said this during a parenting seminar: 揑 used to have many parenting theories before I became a parent. Now that I am a father of three, I have no theories left.

Syd

Anti-social kids
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

Parents should remember that not all children enjoy parties.

Young children need social skills before they can feel comfortable in a party.

MY THREE-YEAR-OLD son does not want to mix with children his age. He refuses to go to kids

Syd

Nurture your child
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Children thrive on love, so shower them with plenty of affection and attention.

ONE four-year-old boy told his father: “I like sitting with you.” His father had been away working for months. The boy was beaming with joy as he sat next to the person he loves.

Children yearn for their parents’ attention. They thrive on their parents’ love. Parents provide for their children’s physical needs. Sometimes they even over-indulge their children with luxuries. They buy them gifts to make up for lost time. But do they actually communicate their love for their children?

Many tell their children that they love them. What they say does not mean much to their children if they hardly know what is going on in their children’s lives.

What children want is for their parents to acknowledge them as they grow and learn. A simple nod or a smile suffices when they come running with their new painting.

As children grow older, they explore various ways of doing things. They want their parents to take a stand with them when they are trying to do the right thing. It is those special moments when your children least expect you to act in a certain way, that makes them feel that you love them unconditionally.
Even adults can have endless fun playing with water with their children.

Children know when they have done something wrong. They know they will be punished for it. But when you pay attention to what is really important, you may want to surprise your child with an understanding and loving heart.

You can say: “What you have done is wrong. I am very angry that you did not obey my words. I know you expect me to punish you. But this time, I choose to turn something negative into something positive. Let’s find a way together for you to learn this lesson well and not repeat it.”

I am not suggesting that parents let children off the hook everytime they do something wrong. They will have to face the consequences of their misbehaviour or wrongdoing. You have to deal with it in an appropriate manner. Children will come to accept and learn their lessons when they know that their parents still love them even though they discipline them. They learn a great deal from their interactions with the significant adults in their lives.

If they hear more positive words from their parents instead of negative ones, they will surely be on the right track in their behaviour.

Here are some ways to create cherished moments with your child:

Spend time together

The younger your child is, the more time he needs from you. If your child is still a baby, he needs you there as much as possible. Personally, you may take five minutes to shower and get ready. But your baby needs you to spend at least 20 minutes to help him get ready for his bath.

Talk him through the process of undressing and preparing for bath time. This is effective bonding time for parent and child.

Sing along with your child

It does not matter that your singing is worse than some of the contestants in the American Idol show. You can rewrite some of the lyrics of your favourite songs with your child. It adds that extra bit of fun for your child when you put his or her name in the song.

Have fun with ‘feel-your-way art’

Be yourself when you draw or paint with your child. Tell your child to look at the object that he is drawing, not at his paper. Your child can use a pencil to draw the outline. This method of “feeling with the mind’s fingers” when your child draws, casting away all consciousness, can be quite fun. Everyone in the family can join in too.

Engage in water play

Even adults have endless fun playing with water. Washing the car with a pail and large sponge can provide one of those great parent-child moments. Children also like to play in the rain. Both parent and child can go out in their raincoats and play in the rain.

Learn from role-playing

Role-playing can teach children many things that parents find hard to talk about. Children love wearing adult clothes and pretending to be fathers and mothers. Sometimes in role-playing, parents can see reflections of themselves in their children.

From there, they can learn whether they are setting the right example for their children.

One child told his father who was reading the newspaper in the same room with him: “You are not listening to me.” The father behind the newspaper mumbled: “Of course, I am.” Children know their parents care for them when they give their full attention.

Syd

Stressed about school
CHILDWISE By RUTH LIEW

Overcome shyness and timidity with lots of support and encouragement.

MY daughter is in Year One. She is very shy and worries a lot. She cries every morning without fail as she always has something to worry about.

During the first few days of school, she was scared and my husband and I took leave to be with her. We tried to help her to adapt to the new environment.

Today, I received a phone call from her school asking me to take her home as she had fever. When I arrived at her school, her class teacher told me that when she checked my daughter抯 forehead, it did not seem like she had any fever.

I knew my daughter was lying to me because she was afraid to attend Chinese class. I was very disappointed and angry with her.

My daughter has a full week with tuition classes in different subjects. This year, she has one extra tuition class

Syd

Daycare blues
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Separation anxiety can be eased if you are well-prepared.

LEAVING children at the daycare centre may be the hardest experience for most parents.

Working mothers, torn between work and family, often try to steal out of the centre before their toddlers start wailing. This heart-wrenching scene is common in many daycare centres.

Children often cry for a few days or even weeks when they are first sent to a daycare programme. Some will cry for an hour after being dropped off and periodically throughout the day. Others will just cry for a few minutes after their parents leave.

There are children who will happily wave goodbye for the first week or two, and when it finally sinks in, they will spend the next week crying when their parents leave.

Still others will try to adjust to the childcare centre, and then several weeks, months or years later, cry during parting time in the morning. Their behaviour may be an indication of problems with the childcare situation or some other form of stress.
Spend time with your child after you pick her up from daycare. This is an antidote for stress.

Young children have a hard time with separation because they do not have a sense of time and they do not understand about work and daycare.

Babies tend to think their parents are lost forever if they do not see them. Toddlers feel rejected when you refuse to stay with them at the childcare centre.

Children do not want you to leave because you are the only one they trust. They have to learn to trust people whom they are unfamiliar with. No one knows your child as well as you. You have established a unique style of communication with your child.

Sometimes children cry when they are being dropped off at a childcare centre because the programme does not suit them. Some parents assume that their children will learn more when they are placed in an academic-oriented environment.

One parent related how her two-year-old joined the class for four-year-olds. Her toddler was not allowed to take a mid-morning nap because her class was heavily scheduled until noon. When she felt sleepy, the assistant teacher wiped her face to keep her awake.

Parents must be aware of their child’s needs before choosing a childcare programme. If the child’s needs are well met at each stage of development, the potential for learning can soar. On the other hand, unnecessary pressure to cope when the child is not ready can lead to more harm than good.

Finally, a child who has made initial adjustments may start crying during drop-off time because of something that is going on in his family. Stress, illness, job change, a new baby or other negative happenings in the family may lead to difficult goodbyes. It is imperative that you let your careproviders know about the changes. This will help them to understand your child better.

Here are some ways to help you and your child reduce anxiety during partings:

·Build a positive relationship with your careprovider. She can be a great help during stressful times when your child demands your attention and you are not able to oblige. Do not feel threatened by her or treat her as a competitor. She is there to assist you.

·Goodbyes should be short and sweet. Long goodbyes are better left for the movies. If your child has problems separating from you, it is more difficult for him when you keep giving one more hug or kiss. Do not feel bad when your child screams “I hate you” as you leave. Your child still loves you no matter what.

·If your child is having difficulty adjusting to daycare after several weeks, conduct spot checks to see how your child is adjusting. Is there something troubling him? You may want to hold off making any changes such as getting him to sleep in his own room or getting rid of his favourite comforter when he starts daycare.

·Prepare for the morning rush. Goodbyes are more difficult when parents are anxious in the mornings. If you are stretched for time when you say your goodbyes, your child will pick up from your non-verbal cues. Give yourself and your child ample time in the morning by preparing everything the night before. Wake your child up with a smile and say: “We are going to have a great day today.”

·Celebrate your getting back with your child. Before doing anything else, spend the first hour with your child after you pick him up from daycare. Have a wonderful chat about your day at work and the daycare. Play a game or two. Go for a walk together. This antidote for stress works all the time.

Syd

Celebrate life
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

In the face of death, children learn more about life.

THE year started on a sombre note for our family. A family member is critically ill. For the first time in their lives, my children are about to lose someone they love very much. They started to question their own vulnerability and wonder whether this will happen to them one day.

When someone in the family dies, adults are not the only ones who grieve. Children also feel the sense of loss. How much children can understand about death depends largely on their age, life experiences and personality. It makes it a lot easier when adults know what a child understands about death.

Learning to cope with death is a process for children and adults alike. There is no one way of doing things nor is there a right way. Adults seek consolation from the love and care of family and friends.

They rely on their faith in God. Like other mental, physical, emotional and language learning tasks, the child has to take small steps before he is able to leap.

Though death is painful, a sense of belonging exists when the family comes together to grieve. It helps for us to reflect on common values such as hope, love, faith and kindness which we share as a family. Children learn that material things are not that important anymore in death. Relationships among loved ones are cherished instead.

Children need space and time to learn to deal with death. They may have different ways of demonstrating their grief. Show understanding and patience as you let them deal with grief in a way that is comfortable for them.

You need not hide your own grief; be honest about your feelings. Your child will feel better when you share how you feel. He will be able to voice out his thoughts and feelings knowing that you can do it too. You can also reassure your child that no matter how sad you feel, you will still be available to take care of him.

Infants and toddlers may seem too young to know what death is. But they get a sense of sadness from the adults around them. Maintain the same routines for young children even when things around the house seem chaotic. Children need to feel secure in their routines and be around people they trust.

Preschoolers often see death as temporary and reversible.

Avoid saying, “Grandmother is only sleeping.” Or “She has gone to heaven.” It is better to be direct, and tell them “Grandfather has died” rather than “Grandfather is sleeping.” Young children are often confused by what adults tell them.

Listen carefully to what your children are saying and help them relate to what they see around them. Acknowledge their feelings. Get them to put their ideas into drawing or write a story about it.

School-age children may sometimes wonder if they were the cause of the death. It is important to explain to them clearly and assure them that they are not the cause.

Most children get angry, worried and sad about death. They can also act up when struggling to come to terms with a cauldron of mixed emotions. Show your understanding instead of reprimanding them. Their feelings are as real as any adult’s.

Teenagers may hide their feelings and not show that they care. This does not mean they are not going through a difficult time. Do not be alarmed when they appear indifferent throughout the mourning period. They, too, need cuddles and hugs even when they do not show their grief.

Children can build a legacy of the departed loved one by doing special things together as a family. Plan out what each person can contribute to the project. A scrapbook or video can make a great keepsake.

One girl who lost her grandfather to cancer, decided to start a fundraising project called Hives for Lives. The proceeds are channelled to cancer-research foundations.

In the face of death, we celebrate life. In the process of learning about death, children learn more about life. This is a heartening time for the family to share and gather more memories so that life is revered.

Syd

The right school
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Things to consider when choosing a school for your child.

WE have three Chinese schools in our neighbourhood. School A is well-known for its good results but school life is said to be stressful for the students. It is also rumoured that the children in the top class are more selfish.

School B is not bad but the teachers give a lot of homework and students find it stressful too. School C has a more relaxed learning environment. But we heard that discipline is lacking and the students are not doing as well academically as in the other two schools.

Many parents choose School C. They do not want their children to be stressed out at a young age. Some parents think that their children are not smart enough, so they do not want their children to be left behind in School A and B. Besides, some parents hope their children will get a place in the top class in School C. This will, hopefully, boost their children’s confidence.

How will I know if my children will be able to cope in School A or B? I worry in case they are unable to catch up with the class. Yet, I am reluctant to send my children to School C.

It will be painful to see them struggle academically. If they should get poor grades, will they feel defeated and helpless? If they can do well academically, it would be great.

Both my children love reading and often ask for extra activity books to do at home. Both children are introverts. My elder daughter has been attending half-day nursery since she was two years old. Now she is four-and-a-half. Her teacher says she is dreamy, passive and very quiet.

I do not know which school to choose. Please advise. – Worried Mum

ALL schools have their strengths and weaknesses. Every parent wants to choose the best possible learning environment for his or her children. Parents need to be informed and be prepared to help their children get the most in whatever school they attend.

While parents may wish to give their children every opportunity, remember that one need not attend the “best” school to be a happy and successful individual. Children do well in schools where they are supported and encouraged. They thrive in learning environments that suit them.

In choosing a school, you need to consider your child’s individual style, talents, interests and temperament. A school that has high academic demands may work for one child and not for the other in the same family. One child may excel in a setting where children have many choices and are allowed to learn independently. This may not be the same with his sibling who finds it hard to cope with too much time and freedom in his hands.

You must also consider your own values and beliefs when selecting the right school for your child. If you select a school based on its academic track record, you may find conflicting views with their discipline policy. The fact that one school has a great reputation for top academic achievements may not automatically make it the best choice for your child. What works for your friends and neighbours may not work for you and your child.

Keep in mind that you need a school that can strike a balance in its focus on both academic and non-academic work. A school is more than just subjects and teachers.

There are other aspects in the environment, such as student population and how discipline is conducted in the school. Parents need to evaluate the school on the basis of their children’s needs.

If possible, make visits to the schools in your neighbourhood. You cannot judge the school by what people say. Observe the learning environments and the students in each school. Get a chance to understand how things work in each school.

You need first-hand evaluation. Make a checklist of the things you want to see in a school for your children. Find out for yourself what these three schools are all about.

You may have found a wonderful school but end up with a teacher you consider less than ideal. Or you may have found a school that you are looking for, but it is not totally right for your child. There is no perfect school for every child and parent.

What you need to do is to find a school that most closely reflects your values and goals. Your child will do well in school when you are committed to working together to help him do his best. There is still a lot more work after you find the right school for your child.

Syd

Special occasions
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Birthdays are great opportunities for creating lasting memories.

MY youngest daughter celebrated her 11th birthday last week. I want my children to savour the idea of birthdays being more than just presents and parties.

Birthday celebrations for children are getting more elaborate and expensive. I prefer to celebrate my children抯 birthdays moderately and by creating memorable moments. Children in Montessori schools are familiar with the birthday walk. Whenever a child is celebrating his or her birthday, the whole class gets to experience the child抯 life story in a time line from the day he or she was born.

They would watch the child holding a globe walking around a lit candle in the middle of a circle marked out by each month of the calendar year. This activity gives children lessons on history and geography.

Here are some interesting birthday activities that can create lasting memories:

Picnics: Picnics outdoors are wonderful for young and active children. Take your friends and relatives to the park for an exploratory walk. You can prepare fact cards for children to use as reference as they check out the floral and fauna.

Painting a plate: You can get your child to paint a plate, bowl or mug on his birthday.

This piece of crockery can be used during family meals. You can talk to your child about what he would like to remember of this birthday in years to come. This practice is extended to all members of the family. Even Dad and Mum can paint their own plate when it is their birthday.

Imagine having a family meal with your grown-up children and their children using birthday crockery which holds loving memories.

Family speeches: I still have fond memories of my father抯 family meetings whenever he came home from long working trips. Those were the times when we voiced our grouses, shared our achievements and sought support from our parents. From the youngest to the oldest, we were given an opportunity to express our opinions.

Birthdays are special times when the whole family can share their feelings and thoughts. Have everyone make a positive speech to the birthday boy or girl. Share what you like best about him or her and your favourite memory. This practice can boost your children抯 confidence and generate love among family members.

Sharing presents: Children often get too many presents for their birthdays. They can learn to share their presents with those who are not as fortunate as them.

Discuss with your child what he would like to do with his many presents. Family traditions are formed when certain activities and beliefs are continued. You may not realise that you have some family traditions as you carry out the same activity with every birthday. Children like traditions, the good ones only. They can generate a sense of belonging and continuity.

Sleepovers: Having friends over for a sleepover can be fun for children.

Slumber parties should be simple with one or two activities that the guests can do and take away as souvenirs. You can plan a cooking activity or a football game. For primary schoolchildren, sleepovers are a great time to catch up with friends.

Children in schools do not get much time to chat. With a heavy homework load and extracurricular activities, there is hardly any time for children to hang out.

Birthday book/video: Every child should have his or her special scrapbook/journal/photo album. Children enjoy browsing through a collection of anecdotes and holiday photos. This special book will make a delightful present for the birthday child.

If you have a handycam, you can document your child抯 daily activities along with interviews of people he loves sharing their birthday wishes. When parents work at keeping positive family rituals and activities, they lay a foundation for their children to be rooted in goodness and faith. There抯 more to life than just academic achievements and material comfort.

Time spent with children will help them gain confidence. They will develop into individuals who will be able to contribute to society.

Syd

Respect differences
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

Teach children to see beyond physical disability.

CHILDREN absorb their parents’ attitudes. They learn how to love and how to hate the differences in people from observing their parents. Sometimes children have a limited view of other people and their beliefs. Their parents try to “protect” them, fearing they may “catch” what others have.

Living in a diverse society, we should bring up our children to respect and value people who are different from us. We need to practise the good values we want our children to inherit.

Preschoolers have very little problem playing with physically challenged children. They do not really care what the less able-bodied cannot do. They are more interested in what they would like to do with them. They are eager to play with the physically disabled and enjoy their companionship.

Children are curious. They want to know why the other child is wearing a leg brace or not able to hear what they are saying. They will ask questions. Parents should help them understand that physical and mental abilities are only part of a person. There’s more to the person than what appears to be. It is important to remind children that all people have abilities. Children can focus on what their friends can do rather than what they cannot do.

It is up to parents to do the right thing by their children. Many adults can trace their own prejudices to their childhoods because their parents and care providers impressed upon them negative messages regarding people who looked different from them.

As psychoanalyst Carl Gustav Jung said: “If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves.”

Be honest with yourself and your children by examining your own prejudices and biases. If you are ignorant about people with physical or mental disabilities, find out more about them. Better still, take the opportunity to volunteer in communities where there is an integrated programme for people of all abilities.

According to The Anti-Defamation League’s Hate Hurts. How Children Learn and Unlearn Prejudice by Caryl Stern-LaRosa and Ellen Hofheimer Bettmann, parents must treat children’s questions with respect and seriousness.

Use age-appropriate language and offer correct facts about disabilities. Answer matter-of-factly without being too lengthy in your explanations.

For example, if your child asks about someone who is in a wheelchair without legs or arms, you can tell him that some people are born without limbs and others may have lost them in accidents or in sickness.

Reassure your child that people who have physical disabilities are capable of doing many things in life. Whenever it is possible, read books on stories about children who have disabilities and their success stories.

Do not cloud your child’s perception of people with disabilities with emotions such as pity and fear. Your child should be kind to people of all abilities and disabilities. Discuss with your child how he can play with his friend with a disability. Explore different ideas on doing activities that are best suited for everyone.

More importantly, use respectful language when referring to people from all backgrounds and abilities. No matter what race, creed, religion or disability, the person has a name and should be referred with respect. I remember a four-year-old Korean-American girl who had just met me in her day-care programme, calling out, “Hey, Chinese girl.” The assistant nursery teacher immediately reminded her that I have a name and she should use that instead of calling me “Chinese girl”.

If you are uncomfortable when children ask why some people are born with disabilities, or you are unable to reply, find someone who is confident to answer. You may make a mistake and say the wrong thing. Don’t cover it up. You should admit your mistakes and help the child learn that they can do the same when necessary.

Avoid using words like “us” and “them”. Instead of “We can do this but they cannot”, try saying “We can all do this together.” In your family conversations, offer more positive statements on people with diverse backgrounds and interests. This way when children start making statements of their own, they can find the right words to use.

We fear what we do not know. If children have positive experiences with diversity, they will be accepting and respectful towards people who are different from them. Parents must learn an important lesson together with their children that all people are unique and valuable.