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Make time for fun
Parents must sometimes learn how to let go, relax and spend quality time with their children
Rachel Goodchild
I HAVE RECENTLY learnt a very important thing about myself - I am very task orientated. I love interacting with my children, but I am not too good on free play and just hanging out. I benefit from a little structure and play with a focus. I don't mind if the game goes off on a tangent, but I do need that little bit of structure to feel really relaxed with my children.
We all need to spend quality time with our children, focussing on them and their thoughts and ideas. It is during these times that our children share with us on a deeper level and real relationship develops.
Finding time to have fun with my kids is a challenge. With work, school and daily chores, it can be hard to find good times to relax and relate with your children. I have found that the in-between times are best for play.
We seem to spend a lot of time waiting around for things as a family. Doctor's rooms, supermarket lines, traffic jams, and airport terminals are all places where tempers can easily get frayed. Keeping minds occupied helps everyone.
If you want to prevent boredom meltdowns, try some of the following ideas: >> Playing opposites. Say a word and your child has to come up with a word that means the opposite. For young players, try obvious ones like hot and cold. For older players, you could try to find the opposite of whale, or butter, or spacious. >> Choose an object, stare at it for 20 seconds and then take your eyes from it. Describe it in as much detail as you can, from the colour, to shape and texture. This game is great for developing memory and descriptive language skills.
>> Teach your child how to count, say hello or think in another language. We have used Chinese, French, German and Maori with our children. They love to learn words in other languages - and if they know some, then get them to teach you.
>> Take turns humming a wellknown tune and see if the other person can guess it.
>> Turn your hands into puppets and talk to each other in funny voices. (works for younger children.)
>> Play the `what if' game. Take an imaginary scenario and brainstorm what it would be like if it happened.
>> A pen and paper can turn any waiting time into a great time for games. Lists, letters and dot-to-dot are all fun activities for you to compose together.
Also, you can attempt any of these:
>> Making a `why not?' list of things to do during your next family holiday. Your list may include ideas such as "Why not have a topsy turvy day?" or "Why not watch a sunset together?"
>> Get them to write a report card on how they think you are doing as a parent - are you spending enough time with them, laughing with them enough or reading enough books?
>> Write a letter together to a distant relative, a famous person or a favourite book character.
>> Make a wish list of all the things you would love to get for your birthday. Start with the obvious such as a new toy and book and move to outlandish ones with hopes, dreams and world peace.
>> Write a long word (such as imagination or enterprise) down on a piece of paper and find as many words as you can using the letters from the word.
>> Play a guessing game, drawing a picture bit by bit - can the other person guess what you are drawing?
If you're at home , there are still plenty of things you can do to interact with your child. Some of my favourite ideas include:
>> Get their help making dinner in the kitchen. They can help to measure, slice and dice.
>> Make a family set of place mats depicting favourite family activities on A4 sheets of paper and laminate to protect.
>> Teach them what a weed looks like and go weeding in the garden together.
>> Play a board game or a card game.
>> Go for a walk together for a purpose - collecting pine cones, or observing letterbox shapes and colours. Take every opportunity to help your children observe something new about their surroundings |
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Precious moments
CHILDWISE WITH RUTH LIEW
Quiet time can enhance a child抯 development.
CHILDREN need time and space to grow happily and healthily. One may say, all children have is time. But things have changed a great deal for children in our society. The idea that children have their own time to do what they want does not hold true anymore. Every minute of their time is being stretched and occupied with some kind of structured learning programme. There are no free moments for relaxation and pondering.
Parents of kindergarten kids are concerned that their children cannot cope with Year One and send them for tuition classes. A private tutor related this to me: One student, a three-year-old child, has been with her since she was two. Lately, her mother finds her unmotivated. She does not want to sit down for lessons anymore. She just wants to walk around and look at things. Her mother is worried that she will not be able to be on par with her peers. Her private tutor was told to encourage her to do more lessons so that she will stay ahead of her peers.
Many parents are worried that their children抯 preschool education cannot prepare them for formal schooling. They tend to pressure their children to take on more than they can handle. Many children at a very young age complain that they are tired. These children are not only tired physically but emotionally and spiritually, too.
A child抯 spiritual development means more than just teaching him to observe a specific religion. It is the basic human energy from which we draw meaning in our lives. Children need to be in touch with nature and realise their place in the world.
Children are gifted with a natural spiritual sense. According to Jean Grasso Fitzpatrick, author of Something More, Nurturing Your Child抯 Spiritual Growth: 揟he greatest challenge we all face as spiritual nurturers is to become attuned to the young child抯 authentic spirituality which, unlike our own, is such an integrated part of life. Children抯 exuberant spirituality is reflected in everything they do. A child shows us the extraordinary in the ordinary. |
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Gnashing teeth while sleeping
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
A child抯 teeth-grinding habit is probably a symptom of stress.
I have two children. My girl turns six in June and my son is 20 months old. My daughter grinds her teeth in her sleep, especially when she抯 ill, and once in a while even when she is well. I read on the Internet that this could be caused by stress or anger.
My mother-in-law helps me take care of my children. She is living with my sister-in-law who has two children, aged 15 and seven. I send my children to my mother-in-law抯 home every day and bring them back in the evenings.
My mother-in-law is 74 this year, but she is still quite fit physically. However, I find that she may not want to take care of all the children. When she gets frustrated or angry, she screams and beats the children. She used foul language too. She likes to 搄oke |
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Coping with teens
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
MY daughter is 13 years old and my son, 11.
Lately, I notice a change in their behaviour and the way they talk to me. It is difficult to communicate with my daughter, as she is very stubborn.
She loves sports but I believe that her studies should come first. We have had many arguments over this. I feel the gap is widening between us. As for my son, he is no longer the timid little boy who used to be obedient. No matter what I say to him, he is bound to give me a negative response. There were times when he apologised to me, though.
I am upset by these changes in my children. I will start nagging and scolding them once they come home from school. They do not heed my advice or do what I ask of them. I feel so stressed by this constant struggle with my children.
Sometimes I wonder if I had made the right choice by leaving my job four years ago to be a stay-at-home mother. |
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How to deal with your jealous kid
CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW
Help junior deal with the arrival of a new baby.
I HAVE a girl, aged 14 months. My wife is expecting our second child, a boy, at the end of next month.
My girl is fighting for her mother抯 attention. She wants my wife to carry her all the time, which is difficult for my wife at the moment. She would not allow her mother, or even her grandmother, to hold her cousin who is one month old.
How long will this clingy behaviour go on? Will my girl eventually outgrow her jealousy? How can we manage her after her baby brother is born?
Concerned Father
This is an exciting time for the family who is awaiting the arrival of a new baby. But for a 14-month-old toddler, this is a time of confusion and jealousy. At her age, she is fast gaining independence and wants to do things her way. At times, she may also want to be treated like a baby.
It is common for toddlers to regress in their behaviour when the baby arrives. The toddler who has weaned off the bottle or the diaper may suddenly want to drink from the bottle and wear her diapers again. Try to accept her during the adjustment period. She may soon change back when she feels secure and loved.
If you want your toddler to move ahead, you will have to spend time helping her through this challenging period. You can help your toddler feel good about not wanting to wear diapers or drink from the bottle again.
If you have the time and energy, help her to feel proud of her growing independence. Tell her how wonderful she is for being able to do many things on her own. She may behave positively when you praise her for her behaviour and her abilities.
As you prepare for the new arrival, you must also prepare your child for her new sibling. Show her ultrasound pictures of the growing baby. Let her feel the growing baby move around inside Mummy抯 tummy. Talk to her about things that will change when the baby arrives. At the same time, reassure her that she is still very much loved and cared for.
When the baby arrives, your toddler may not instantly fall in love with him. In fact, she may react aggressively towards him. Try not to hold your breath when she is around him or scold her if she is a bit rough with him. Just be on your guard whenever your toddler is hanging around her baby brother. Supervise closely and stay relaxed. Send her for time-out if she gets too difficult to manage.
When things get tough, you may think that harsh punishment will stop her from hurting her baby brother. Refrain from doing so at all cost. She may get more difficult if you reinforce her negative behaviour. This is not the time to discipline her but to help her learn to get along with her brother. You can remove her when she is not being cooperative and let her know that what she is doing is wrong. Show her ways to behave positively and praise her when she succeeds.
Instead of telling your daughter what not to do with the baby, teach her positive ways to interact with her new sibling. Use a baby doll to role-play with her. Tell her how babies communicate and how to play with them.
You may want to bring your toddler to a playgroup before the baby is born. This way she can look forward to an activity outside the home and you can focus on the baby when she is away. Plan special activities to do with your child when she comes home. These activities can help strengthen the bond between parent and child. It is not unusual for a toddler to feel that the baby is taking up all her parents |
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Dealing with an only child
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
Being an only child need not be a lonely experience.
THERE are joys and challenges in raising an only child. Children who have no siblings do not necessarily turn out to be selfish and spoilt. They can be mature for their age and kind to others. Of course, there are those who are demanding and bossy.
It is up to parents to foster positive qualities in children who have no siblings. According to Alfred Aldler, known for his work on birth order and the development of personalities, the only child tends to get along well with people who are much older, and is able to carry out tasks beyond his years.
Studies show that only children often score high in achievement tests. They are also highly sociable. These are the results of positive parenting. Parents have a lot to do with raising only children who do not grow up to be self-centred and self-indulgent.
Many children who grow up as an only child have found their 攕ibling relationship |
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No fighting
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
There will be moments when parents and children disagree with one another. Instead of letting this disagreement get out of control and lead to a worse scenario, parents can consider taking a step back.
When there is no opponent, the child will not fight or keep up his argument. No one is defeated or victorious. More importantly, the child learns how to turn something negative into something positive.
Most family battles are fought during mealtimes and bedtime. Parents who insist their preschoolers eat properly at designated times often find themselves in conflict with their children.
One day, as I was going out, I turned to my neighbour抯 house and saw her youngest child, a six-year-old with a bowl in her hands, eating away under the hot sun.
My neighbour told me that she had sent her daughter out to eat her lunch after failing to coax her several times to finish her meal without talking and wasting time.
She tried threatening her daughter with the cane if she did not finish all her food. That did not work. So this time, she decided this was the best way to get her to eat without talking.
When preschoolers fight with their parents, their immediate goal is to gain power. The six-year-old who got sent out of the house with her bowl of rice firmly stood her ground.
She would not behave at the table. She displayed her ability to do as she wanted and engaged her mother in battle.
She managed to stop everyone from eating lunch, too. While she ate outside the house, her mother, grandmother and sister stood at the door to watch her. This was sheer power gained on her part.
There are several approaches to this problem. The parent can remove herself from the conflict situation. Instead of constantly nagging her child to eat, the mother can start the mealtime by telling her how long she has to complete her meal.
Once time is up and the food has not been finished, the table will be cleared without a word. The child may have to wait until tea-time or dinner before she can fill her stomach.
To avoid a power struggle, parents can also carry out what they want their children to do firmly without fussing over them. If you want your child to go to bed, just take him by the hand and lead him to the bedroom to change into his pyjamas.
Do so without paying attention to any form of whining or protest from your child. Eventually, your child will know that you mean business at bedtime.
When your child starts to whine or seek attention for his misbehaviour, you can walk away without talking. Go to a place in the house where you can have some personal time for a retreat.
Do so every time your child chooses to act up instead of using positive behaviour to get your attention. By physically removing yourself from a potential conflict with your child, you are teaching him that you will only deal with reasonable demands and positive behaviour.
When my girls were preschoolers, I would remove the object they were both fighting over without a word. I would take it with me to my 搕ime-out place |
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An even closer bond
Ways to strengthen a mother and daughter bond.
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
A MOTHER and daughter relationship is very special. The bond between parent and child starts from the early years. It can be strengthened to stay strong through the various stages in their lives. Mothers and daughters can be the best of friends, sharing many things in common and supporting each other through good and bad times.
Many women have contributed their success in life to their mothers who were their Rock of Gibraltar.
Creating your own mother-and-daughter tradition, such as doing things together, can give rise to many happy memories for both parent and child. Plan an activity together, such as baking or taking the first morning walk of the year.
These days, given the demands of our modern society, many mothers and daughters find it hard to get along. Their opinions often differ on many issues.
In many homes, the traditional older woman would complain that her young career-minded daughter does not do enough for the family or that she is spoiling her children by giving in to their whims and fancies.
A young teenage daughter may think her mother is too domineering when the latter refuses to let her stay out late with her friends.
The adult daughter may protest that her mother still treats her like a little girl. Her stormy relationship with her mother as an adult may be a repeat of her childhood relationship with her mother.
It is about controlling and rebellion. Many arguments end with words like: 揥hy are you still treating me like a little girl? You do not trust me enough. You never listen to me. You just have to do it your own way. |
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Anger release
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
I LEAVE my two-year-old son in the playschool for three hours every day. He loves to bite other children. When I take him to the playground, he will attempt to bite someone too.
His teacher commented that he has no friends in school, as all the children are terrified of him. My husband and I are very concerned. What should we do to break this habit? I am a working mother. |
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Is she right?
CHILDWISE WITH RUTH LIEW
I AM a new mother to a 17-week-old baby. My mother-in-law is trying to get my baby to learn to stand on her feet. Since my baby was three months old, she has been holding my girl so that she can stand on the table. I worry that this may affect the proper development of my baby抯 legs because she will be using her leg muscles before they are ready to support her.
My mother-in-law is also reluctant to follow my request to boil the milk bottles or rinse them in hot water after use. I have reminded her in a nice way a few times, but I still find stains on the bottles when I come back from work.
I am concerned about hygiene. Please advise. |
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Be patient
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
Preschool can be a frightening experience for an introverted child.
MY four-year-old daughter is an introvert. I notice she has problems making friends with other children.
She refuses to go to kindergarten. I have tried sending her to two different kindergartens and a social development class.
They were all futile attempts because she cried and was unco-operative, even though the teachers and kids were nice to her.
Two weeks ago, I sent her to a kindergarten which is within walking distance from our house. I thought she might feel more confident as home is just around the corner. But I was mistaken. After three days, she started crying and shouting. She refused to go to school.
I do not know how to encourage her to join a preschool and mix with other children. I would like her to be more sociable. When I take her to the playground, especially to the slide which she loves most, she will wait until all the other kids have left. Only then will she play on the slide. When other kids come over to join in, she would stop playing and stand by the corner quietly.
I am concerned about this negative behaviour that I see in her.
How do I encourage my daughter to socialise with other children? How do I influence her to love going to school? |
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Right to play
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
Playing is a way for children to cope with anxiety.
I asked a group of primary school-age children to jot down their ideas on what their rights are. They all agreed that they had the right to live, be loved and be protected. One thing they left out in their list was the right to play. When I asked them whether they felt they had the right to play, many of them felt that the adults in their lives controlled this.
Play allows children to learn to manage their anxiety. When children play, they are in a safe space where they can experiment at will. All rules are suspended and they are not bound by any physical or social constraint. In play, children can go their own way. A child at play makes her own decisions instead of following what others say. When children play, they can set aside what is going on in their lives.
Play helps children come to grips with their past and also, just as importantly, to build their future with a sense of a happy ending.
Play is active. Children do not have to be passive observers or suffer what is happening around them. They can actively participate in whatever is happening around them. For many young children who are living in silence, they can speak up without fear.
Play is the way a child works out his problems. As adults, we are constantly talking things out with one another. We talk about our past experiences and how they affect our present. We try to understand what is going on in our lives by pondering the possibilities and making connections.
When children play, they act out what they have heard or seen. They use their own words and actions to respond to what is going on around them. Their play actions help to relieve the anxiety they feel about what has happened. Through their make-believe sessions, children find the strength to cope with the challenges.
A 2 |
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Vital role of fathers
12-06-2008 10:14:56 AM
By RUTH LIEW
Dads have a big influence on their children抯 development.
I AM going to be a new father in December. Being a hands-on person, I would love to know more about taking care of a newborn and parenting. I want to experience the ups and downs of fatherhood.
I want to take control of this responsibility of being a father. I hope to take pleasure in every moment and be close to my newborn. I want to learn to do the best that I can for my child. |
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Mendidik anak terbilang
Menjadi tanggungjawab ibu bapa mendidik anak yang merangkumi pendidikan jasmaniah dan rohaniah secara seimbang dan sempurna.
ANAK-ANAK perlu dididik dan disemai dengan sifat sentiasa yakin diri, mulia diri, mempunyai harga diri yang tinggi, baik sangka terhadap orang lain, bersifat benar, berani dan tenang. - Gambar hiasan
ANAK adalah anugerah Allah s.w.t kepada ibu bapa yang dipertanggungjawabkan mendidik mereka agar menjadi manusia yang terbilang di dunia dan juga di akhirat.
Anak merupakan pewaris zuriat dan mesti diberi didikan dengan sempurna.
Lantaran itu, tanggungjawab memberi nafkah telah dipertanggungjawab kepada bapa. Sementara ibu, diberi tanggungjawab untuk mendidik anak. Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w: 'Muliakanlah anak-anak kamu dan pereloklah budi pekerti mereka.'- Hadis riwayat Ibnu Majah.
Anak perlu diberi kasih sayang selain daripada pendidikan yang sempurna. Tanggungjawab ibu bapa memberi kasih sayang dengan penuh lemah lembut berdasarkan tahap dan peringkat umur anak.
Senda gurau dengan anak merupakan lumrah yang dapat merapatkan hubungan baik dalam keluarga. Sebuah hadis yang diriwayat oleh Anas r.a : 'Sesungguhnya aku berjalan bersama Rasulllah dan menghampiri kanak-kanak, baginda memberi salam kepada mereka.'- Hadis riwayat Muslim. Rasullullah s.a.w satu ketika bila mana anaknya Siti Fatimah menemui baginda, baginda berdiri meyapa dan mencium dan meletakan anaknya di tempat duduknya.
Apa pun ibu bapa perlu mencurahkan kasih sayang dan memberi layanan yang adil kepada anak-anak. Sabda Rasulullah s.a.w: 'Berlaku adillah kamu di antara anak-anak kamu dalam memberi hadiah sebagaimana kamu suka mereka berlaku adil di antara kamu dalam kasih sayang.'- Hadis riwayat at-Tabrani. Jauhi sifat yang membawa kepada wujudnya rasa berbeza dan tidak adil kepada anak.
Anak akan berasa kecil hati dan boleh membuahkan sifat dendam yang mendalam. Sementara itu, jika anak dimanjakan dengan berlebihan, ini akan mewujudkan sifat sombong dan bangga diri. Rasulullah s.a.w menegaskan dalam sabdanya: 'Eratkanlah anak-anak kamu dengan sama rata antara mereka.' - Hadis riwayat Ahmad.
Anak-anak perlu dididik dan disemai dengan sifat sentiasa yakin diri, mulia diri, mempunyai harga diri yang tinggi, baik sangka terhadap orang lain, bersifat benar, berani dan tenang.
Mendidik anak supaya sentiasa memberi pendapat dan menyokong pendapat yang baik. Terus menerus menghukum apabila anak melakukan kesalahan tanpa memberi peluang menyebabkan anak-anak membesar dalam suasana bersalah. Akhirnya anak-anak takut untuk memberi pendapat kerana takut nanti tersilap.
Mencurah kasih sayang kepada anak secara tidak bertempat sehingga anak tidak diberi peluang untuk belajar melakukan sesuatu untuk mengurus dirinya menyebabkan anak merasakan tidak yakin dengan kebolehannya.
Mengkritik anak secara berlebihan juga boleh menyebabkan anak-anak tidak mempunyai keyakinan diri untuk melakukan sesuatu yang sepatutnya dilakukan.
Sebagai ibu bapa yang bertanggungjawab dan sentiasa mengharapkan anak menjadi seorang yang terbilang, usaha secara berterusan perlu dilakukan. Sentiasalah berdoa agar anak sentiasa dirahmati dan dilindungi Allah s.w.t dari bala bencana. Doa ibu bapa sentiasa diberkati Allah. Jauhi dan berhati-hati daripada menggunakan kata-kata buruk yang juga merupakan doa daripada ibu bapa. Banyak ayat-ayat al-Quran yang boleh diamalkan sebagai doa harian.
ANAK merupakan pewaris zuriat dan mesti diberi didikan dengan sempurna. - Gambar hiasan.
Antaranya dalam surah al-Furqan ayat 74 yang bermaksud: 'Wahai Tuhan Kami, berilah kami beroleh dari isteri-isteri dan zuriat keturunan kami perkara-perkara yang boleh menyukakan hati melihatnya, dan jadikanlah kami imam ikutan bagi orang-orang yang mahu bertaqwa.' Rasulullah s.a.w pernah membaca doa berikut untuk Hassan dan Hussin yang bermaksud: 'Aku memohon perlindungan dengan kalimah Allah yang sempurna untuk kamu berdua daripada gangguan syaitan, daripada binatang dan daripada mata-mata yang berniat jahat.'
Adalah menjadi tanggungjawab ibu bapa mendidik anak yang merangkumi pendidikan jasmaniah dan rohaniah secara seimbang dan sempurna. Anak adalah nikmat dan penyeri hidup. Firman Allah: 'Harta dan anak pinak itu adalah perhiasan hidup dunia.'- Surah al-Kahf:46. Wallahualam. |
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Little helpers
CHILDWISE: BY RUTH LIEW
Children should be taught to help out with house chores from young.
THE state of your school-age child抯 room and his general appearance can create tension in the family. Many parents equate neatness with a sense of responsibility. Children often do not share their parents |
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Self-worth
CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW
Parents play a crucial role in helping their children to develop a positive self-image.
CHILDWISE:BY RUTH LIEW
SCHOOL-AGE children find it hard to be different when being the same brings them acceptance. Everyone has stereotypes imprinted in their minds |
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Easing the trauma
Ways to help children cope with their irrational fears.
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
MY five-year-old daughter has trouble going to bed every night. Some time last month, she was exposed to a violent movie that my maid was watching. My daughter saw a stabbing scene. Since then she has been complaining about bad dreams at bedtime.
She keeps thinking that she will get stabbed. She is so terrified that she says she has 揵ad dreams |
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Reasonable expectations
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
Children develop at their own pace and need time and space to practise their newly acquired skills.
MY daughter will be four years old in a few months |
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Diffusing anger
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
Ways to help a young child manage his anger and aggression.
DURING his first three months at preschool, my son who is three-and-a-half, hit his friends when he could not get what he wanted. He doesn抰 socialise much too.
His teacher told us about his behaviour. I realised that it could be because sometimes I spank him. Thus he might have learnt that hitting is a way to get what he wants from his friends at preschool. Now my husband and I try our best not to spank him or yell at him.
When we got his monthly report last month, his teacher said he has shown some improvement. He does not hit his friends so much, and has started socialising with them.
We notice that he can listen and follow instructions better now. When he first started schooling, he had problems following instructions and would do whatever he wanted. His teacher also noticed this.
My husband and I try to do better for his sake. We talk to him when he makes mistakes, and leave him alone when he is angry.
Recently the new principal called to inform me that my son is still hitting his friends and scratching their faces. She asked if my husband and I would like to join a parenting forum during the weekends. I admitted that my son has this problem, and we are working on it.
I know that parenting isn抰 an easy job. It抯 even harder for me as I抦 a hot-tempered person. And I抦 far from my family and friends. But I抦 trying to change the best way I know for my family抯 sake.
We know that our son can抰 change overnight. He needs time. We refrain from yelling and spanking him, and we try to explain to him in language that he can understand.
I am doing my best to set boundaries for him at home. But it is challenging for me as I am a stay-at-home mother trying to cope with house chores and an active and demanding child.
Is my son抯 behaviour so bad that we need to join a parenting forum? Is the school principal being too harsh on my child? |
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Breaking the bond
CHILDWISE:By RUTH LIEW
When your child starts to call the maid ‘mama’, it’s time to pay more attention to him.
I HAVE three kids aged two-and-a-half, six and eight. My maid has been with us since my son was one month old. She has been telling my son that if he does not behave or listen to her, she will leave him and return home.
My son feels sad whenever I do not bring my maid along when we go out as a family. He would not hug me or run to me when I pick him up from nursery school. When he reaches home, he would ask my maid to hug him. I am worried about this close bond he has for the maid.
When I told my son that my maid would have to go home one day, he threw a fit. He said he would never accept anyone else except her. He has even started to call her “mama”. I suspect my maid has influenced him into doing so.
Lately, I discovered that my maid has been stealing from us. We had trusted her but sadly, she has been dishonest. We have decided to dismiss her because we can no longer tolerate her ways.
We are now worried about our son’s emotional state. I depend on my maid as my son’s caregiver when I am out and about. I am still breastfeeding my son at night. This is the only time I am able to care for him. Please advise me on how to handle this situation when my maid leaves. I hope my son would not get too upset with her dismissal. How should I explain this to him? – Worried Mother
AS a child enters his third year, he can have several satisfying relationships with the people in his life – his father, mother, sisters, caregivers and grandparents. He also understands the hierarchy of these relationships. They all have a special meaning to him. Some relationships are more central to him at this point of his life and he will protest at the possibility of separation.
His caregiver, your maid, plays an important role in his life because she takes care of him while you are away. She is also his playmate. But you are still his mother. As he becomes more aware of his feelings, he is also able to recognise the feelings of others. When he is upset, he does not feel love. He also worries that when other people are upset with him, they may not love him either. With his lack of experience and limited ability, he finds it difficult to grasp that others may feel differently. As a result, he feels anxious whenever he fears any loss. He will get very upset when you or your maid mentions that he will lose someone close to him.
The problem you have with your maid can lead to more anxiety for your child. To help ease the transition for your young son, pay attention to his needs and feelings. If you can start to fill his emotional tank with positive actions and words, your son will be more cooperative and relaxed. For example, while you are in-between errands, take some time to read to him or do a quiet time activity with him. You need not wait for him to hug you or say:
“I love you!” You can give these loving gestures spontaneously. Instead of telling your son to prepare to say goodbye to your maid, you may want to build a strong friendship with him. Make time to play games that help him master separation issues, such as hide-and-seek or role-playing with dolls and animals.
Create a happy and harmonious home environment for your son. While your maid is still around, be nice to her, as this will prove to your son that all is well, no matter what changes lie ahead. |
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