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Helping with homework
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
It抯 necessary in the learning process, but homework doesn抰 have to be a dreaded task.
ONCE your child enters school, even at kindergarten level, homework becomes the focus in the family. Parents worry that their children who do not do their homework will end up with disastrous results in school learning. Some educators believe that children who do homework as early as kindergarten do better in school.
Homework definitely has a place in children抯 learning. At its best, it reinforces skill practice in reading, writing and maths without the teacher抯 direct supervision. Children learn to develop independent study and organisation skills when doing their homework.
On the flip side, homework in the form of 揹rill work |
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Baby抯 signals
Your child will let you know when he is ready to be weaned off the pacifier.
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
MY son is 10 months old and has been a good baby until recently. When he was three weeks old, I introduced him to the pacifier at bedtime. The pacifier would drop off after he fell asleep and I would keep it for the rest of the night. He did not need the pacifier for his afternoon naps.
Around three-and-a-half months, I started substituting his midnight feed with a pacifier. I also made it a habit to offer him the pacifier whenever he moves or fusses in bed.
Now I am tired and want to wean him off the pacifier. When I first started, he would wake up in the middle of the night and cry for me to carry him. I would do that for a while and then put him down to sleep. Sometimes this works, but most of the time, he refuses and insists that I rock him to sleep. He would wake up frequently in the night and expect to be carried.
Before I started weaning my son off his pacifier, he fell sick for two weeks. He was down with a fever and became very cranky. He has since developed the habit of wanting me nearby when he sleeps.
I am very concerned about this behaviour. How can I rectify this situation and yet wean him off his pacifier? My babysitter has advised me against weaning.
I have very high expectations. I always expect to train my child the right way from an early age. Please help. |
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扵is the time for giving
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW
Teach children what it means to give and to receive.
ONE of the greatest joys in life is being able to give. Children are naturally willing givers of themselves. As babies, they bring joy to their parents and caregivers when they smile. Toddlers happily offer their half-eaten biscuit to the person who asks for it. At preschool age, children draw pictures and make crafts in school to take home to their mummies and daddies.
But children today are bombarded with messages about the value of gifts. As they grow, they are influenced by what they see and hear around them, and they pick up ideas about luxury goods and services. They would compare how much their presents cost or whether the gift is a branded product. They get disappointed when they are given a gift that is lesser in value than the one they had anticipated.
It is no wonder that parents find it hard to teach their children the value of giving. When festivities come around, our children look forward to receiving money packets rather than the opportunity to give to others who are less fortunate. They think mainly of themselves without sparing a thought for others.
Getting children to appreciate simple gifts and acts of giving can start when they are very young. As their role model, parents can show their enthusiasm and appreciation for the small efforts they bring home from school. When your four-year-old draws you a picture and says, 揗ummy, I made a beautiful picture for you, |
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Learning begins at home
Children are the products of either good or bad parenting.
CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW
THE most important learning for the child comes from his family. Parents are his first teachers. The child learns about his world and how to be a good person from the very day he is born. His sense of self comes from how his parents treat him and respond to him. Child experts often advise parents to tune in to their children from an early age. Children抯 self-esteem is nurtured early in life as they interact with their parents in a positive environment.
When a child gets into trouble, parents often blame themselves for being too lenient or too strict with him. Some parents even blame the child for being naughty or disobedient. The truth of the matter is, children are the products of either good parenting or bad parenting and not because their parents are good or bad. When we make mistakes with our children, often times, we are not aware of ways to manage our children correctly.
We can do a better job with our children when we understand the different stages of development. As children mature, parents need to manage their children抯 behaviour differently. You cannot talk to your teenager as you did when he was six years old. Listen to what your child says and find ways to support his interests.
Communication plays a vital role in our daily interactions with family members. We need to understand what they hear and see, and be able to send messages in ways that they can understand and accept. Children need adults to guide them in choosing the right words to express themselves. Teaching by example is the most effective tool for parents. Many have found that their words fall on deaf ears when they do not practise what they preach to their young ones.
A mother of two school-going boys remarked that today抯 teenagers are easily influenced by their peers. She feared for her children抯 welfare. She wondered how she can protect her sons from negative influences. Children tend to draw closer to their peers when their parents refuse to acknowledge them or listen to them. Their peers, on the other hand, make them feel accepted and loved. They never question them or belittle their ideas.
Self-esteem is how the person feels and thinks about himself. Feeling loved, valued, wanted and respected will make children feel good about who they are. Parents can create such an environment for them to grow up in. Once your children are confident, they can try new things and explore their world.
Parents must allow their children to make mistakes so that they can learn to cope and find out what they can do to succeed. Like a toddler learning to walk, he will fail many times before he achieves his goal. But once he manages to do what he sets out to do, he will experience an overwhelming sense of pride.
Many children feel unloved because they are scolded or punished frequently. The foundation of their relationship with their parents is built on fear and violence. While parents consider their acts of punishments as a form of discipline, their children do not share this understanding. They cannot accept the fact that their parents inflict pain on them to teach them a lesson.
As children grow, parents must be prepared to allow them to take charge of their behaviour. When parents respect their children for their sense of independence, they will live up to parental expectations.
My five-year-old nephew once declared: 揑 have no freedom. My parents make me do everything. |
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Saying it right
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
Children need effective feedback from their parents to help them act appropriately.
THE other day, my five-year-old nephew asked whether he could switch on the telly. I told him that he could do so after he had practised on the piano for five minutes. We had discussed this before. In response to my gentle but firm reminder, he said: 揑 don抰 understand. |
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Calming a child抯 fears
Explaining danger is a must but don抰 say more than necessary.
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
I HAVE a six-year-old daughter who loves the newspapers and often reads the headlines. The recent cases of child abuse and kidnapping have caught her attention. She is very inquisitive and would ask me a lot of questions about these events.
She has a very vivid imagination and, as much as I do not want to scare her, I have to be realistic and advise her on the dos and don抰s, like not to talk strangers.
Recently, my husband and I took the kids out to dinner to a bistro in Bangsar, Kuala Lumpur. Suddenly, my daughter started crying. I found out that one of the diners there (a woman with some friends) had waved and smiled at her. My daughter freaked out and told me that she did not want to be kidnapped, was afraid and wanted to go home immediately!
All the recent news involving children has changed her from being a happy-go-lucky child to a judgmental, emotional girl.
I am having a hard time explaining things to her, and do not know what I should say. I have asked her to read only certain sections of the newspaper and have begun telling her that there are more good people than bad, but I fear that is not enough.
Very concerned parent
IT IS important to answer your children抯 questions about things that are going on in the world. You just have to tailor the details to your daughter抯 age and level of understanding. Do not say more than necessary.
Toddlers and preschoolers have many different fears. Some are manifestations of what they hear and see around them. If there are family conflicts going on, young children will develop a fear of being alone, monsters and even getting lost. The more insecure they feel, the greater their fears will be.
It is also common for preschoolers like your daughter to develop a fear of being kidnapped or killed. They have vivid imaginations and can conjure up all kinds of frightening things. Their fears are also prompted by their growing awareness of their own feelings of hostility and destructiveness.
It is up to parents to use simple and clear language to explain news reports to their young children. When you are unable to answer your daughter抯 questions, let her know that you will look for the answers to help her understand better. Spend more time listening to what she thinks of the news. She can tell you more about what really concerns her and how she wants to be reassured.
Avoid over-talking with your child on the news reports. You do not want to frighten her unnecessarily. Rather, spend more time reassuring her that you are doing everything possible to keep her safe. Give her pointers on how to stay safe. When you go out, remind her that she is with you and she should not be fearful of anything or anyone.
When you are discussing the news reports with your child, emphasise that she is safe at home, in school and the other places you take her to. Children respond better to absolute statements than to explanations of probabilities and risks.
Do not minimise your child抯 fears. She may have reacted strongly to the woman in the bistro but what happened really frightened her. Acknowledge her fear and avoid saying, 揟here is nothing to worry about. |
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Not keen on kindy
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW
Some children may need help to settle down in kindergarten.
MY daughter will be five in July. She has just entered kindergarten. She抯 very noisy and boisterous at home, and bullies her younger brother. But when she is outside, she is very shy. She refuses to talk or even answer questions.
In kindergarten, she doesn抰 participate in class activities. She finds the activities overwhelming. She is reluctant to go to school and insists that I sit beside her. When the teacher takes her aside and talks to her, she is very friendly. She seems to enjoy one-to-one conversation. When I ask her why she doesn抰 want to talk, she says she is shy.
How can I help her open up? I don抰 want this to go on day after day. |
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Focus on strengths
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW
Children are hoping to find acceptance for their good qualities.
I HAVE two children, aged seven (boy) and four (girl). My son is in Year One in a Chinese school and my girl is in kindergarten. I find it hard coaching or guiding my son as he is very stubborn and extremely playful. I have even received complaints from his teacher about his playfulness in class.
Every time I lose patience with him, I would shout loudly and also use the cane on him. After that, I feel extremely bad. I have tried not to act this way but he just does not do things properly and will often refuse to do what he needs to (for example, his homework, eat his dinner, bathe) if I do not use force him.
He has complained to me, saying that I always scold him. I have explained to him why but it only worked for two days and then he went back to his bad behaviour. I tried talking gently to him but it does not work. Tell me what can I do. I need your guidance- Worried mother
Your seven-year-old is going through many changes in his life. He can do many things on his own and is going through rapid development of mental skills. This is a critical time for your son to develop confidence in all areas of life, such as making friends, doing schoolwork and playing sports. He can be quite independent if he wants to.
You need to shift your parenting gears to help him develop the skills needed in middle childhood. Start by showing him some respect for being a Year One pupil. Your tone of voice and behaviour towards him must be different to how you treat your younger child.
Work out a timetable with your son on how he should spend his time after school. If he keeps on schedule, he can get more playtime instead of extra coaching time. Children like to be rewarded for their effort. This reinforces their positive behaviour.
Children in their middle childhood years are more sensitive to how they are treated. Your constant scolding and punishment will only make matters worse. Your son resents your lack of patience with him. Instead of changing for the better, he may act badly just to spite you.
Spend more time focusing on what he is doing well. He needs to know his strengths and good qualities. What you say and do with him can boost his confidence in his skills.
I AM a mother of three children, aged eight, six and two. My second daughter will be be in Year One next year and my husband insists that she attends Chinesemedium school. I have heard a lot about the heavy homework load she would have to endure. My daughter is very active and cannot concentrate for long periods.
When asked to do homework from her kindergarten, she throws tantrums before she starts doing her work.
Sometimes she takes an hour to finish one page of mathematics or her colouring homework.
Sometimes I need to scream at her or threaten her with a cane. But then, she will start crying and take a really long time to finish her homework. She has enough time for play and TV. She is a smart girl and we always reward her for doing well in school by giving her what she wants.
Her teachers from school and other learning centres feel that she talks too much during class and does not concentrate. She is very loving to her little brother but not to my older girl, who has special needs. Some mothers think I pay too much attention to my other children. I am still breastfeeding my son.
My eldest daughter is in an international school and I have thought of putting my second girl in a private school. Should I just learn how to let go and allow her to learn at her own pace? She can抰 read yet but if her teacher has read a storybook to her, she can actually memorise it.
I am trying to read storybooks with her every night to enhance her reading skill but there are times when I need to be with my other children. Should I just let my second girl be in private school where there is less homework or let her choose her school? |
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Discipline with love
Understanding parents often get better results.
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
My husband told me that he never once heard his father reprimand by shouting or threatening his children when they were young. He always remained firm and loving in his approach. His children heeded him and hardly got into trouble.
When disciplining children, parents need to have a sincere interest in guiding their children on the right path. Children learn the correct principles at various stages of their development. They cannot learn everything at one time. This means, parents need to understand what their children are capable of before they correct their behaviour.
Softly does it: It may take longer and require more effort for parents to discipline with love, but the sacrifice of time and patience is worth it.
It confuses children when parents see discipline as an opportunity to release tension or take revenge. It is definitely not effective when parents punish their children and tell them 揑 am doing this for your own good |
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The right approach
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW.
ALL parents want to raise children with character. The last thing we want is to raise a child who has a negative attitude and bad habits. To cultivate good behaviour in children, parents must pay attention to their daily interactions.
Children do precisely what is expected of them. But this requires consistent teaching on the adult抯 part. If they are expected to be polite at mealtimes, they need to be reminded at all times of their behaviour.
In many families, children are allowed to run around during mealtimes. It will thus be difficult to get them to sit still when there are guests for dinner. Children may find it difficult to keep up with the demands adults make on them. Unwittingly, we might be raising children to be inconsistent in their behaviour, if we are not consistent in our teachings.
Some children pick up certain behavioural patterns very quickly.
They know that if they were to scream or shout loud or long enough, their parents will give in. By doing so, the parent is encouraging her child to use this tactic to gain attention and get what she wants.
Parenting experts find that consistent teachings and realistic expectations of children抯 behaviour can help.
Children like the idea that they can succeed in meeting their parents |
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Teen challenge
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
MY 14-year-old son has not shown any interest in his studies and failed all his exams since Year One. I tried sending him to tuition classes to no avail, as there has been no improvement.
He isn抰 a slow learner; he抯 good in computers and he likes sports such as badminton. The only problem is, he doesn抰 do his homework. I tried corporal punishment as well as rewarding him but neither works.
In his Chinese-medium primary school, he often got into trouble with his teachers for not doing his homework and being disruptive in class.
I would go to his class to monitor him every day. I made sure he finished his homework. He resisted my help by refusing to do his homework. He even hid his books from me. At home, he took things without asking and told lies.
A psychiatrist has since diagnosed my son as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and put him on medication for six months.
My son was very upset with the diagnosis and refused to go for follow-up treatment.
After his UPSR exams in 2006, he showed some improvement in his studies. But he still has problems completing his homework and he抯 not co-operative in class.
His teacher has forwarded a complaint to the principal regarding my son抯 behaviour. In her opinion, he is better off in a special school that will cater to his special needs.
My son likes attending his present school. He is happy with his new learning environment. Should I put him in a special school as the teacher suggested? |
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Peeing in the wee hours
Night-time toileting won抰 affect a child抯 quality of sleep if she nods off again.
CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW
I AM writing to check whether it is recommended for a parent to carry a half-asleep child to the toilet to urinate so that she stays dry till the next morning. I have ceased putting a diaper on my girl, who turned three in December, at night. To stay dry, she has to ease herself just before she goes to bed. One and a half to two hours later, we carry her to the toilet bowl and position her to ease herself. One time, she even emptied her bowels.
Nowadays, she awakes, sits up in bed and tells us that she needs to go to the toilet. Does this in any way affect the quality of her sleep?
How many hours of sleep does a child her age need a night? What about napping? |
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My eldest son is 13 years old. While I was changing his bed linen recently, I found a pair of my panties, which were stained (it could be sperm) in his pillowcase. I confronted him about it but he denied that he had taken my panties.
I did not believe him and so spoke with him to explain his wrongdoing. I even suggested that he should fill his days with various activities. He goes to afternoon school, so he has nothing to do from morning to lunchtime. He refused to listen to my advice. He got angry and started blaming me for not giving him whatever he asked for, unlike his friend抯 mother.
My husband and I are not very close to our son. I assume he feels empty inside and this could lead him to masturbate. Is it wrong for him to be masturbating? How do I tackle this problem and rectify it? Is it too late to get close to him and be his friend so that he will open up to me? |
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thanks syd.. suka articles yg syd tepek ni.. very good info indeed |
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kita semua perlukan nasihat2 di atas
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Reply #75 Syd's post
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betul.. hampir semua issue2 yg terbit kat parenting terjawab kat sini |
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moga2 kolum ruth liew @ the star tu berpanjangan
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Don抰 rush your child
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
Allow children of preschool age to learn at their own pace.
Preschool education provides children with early learning experiences, helping them to make an easier transition to formal schooling later on.
From my observations, I have found many kindergartens conducting formal schooling classes and their preschoolers are working on academic subjects beyond their developmental capabilities.
Rather than getting children to start on a set of readers, choose beautifully illustrated and written storybooks.
Most five- and six-year-olds are expected to behave and learn like seven- and eight-year-olds. These children are stressed out by the demand to learn as much as they can in their preschool years in the hope that they will do well in primary school.
In preschool programmes, pre-determined learning outcomes dominate the way children work on the activities rather than allowing children to determine whether learning is inherently interesting and worthy of effort, or boring and tedious. Most preschool programmes are teacher-directed rather than child-centred. Children are not allowed to choose what to learn but to follow everything the teacher instructs them to do.
To make matters worse, parents buy extra preschool workbooks and send their children to enrichment classes in mental arithmetic, memory skills and to learn languages.
The most important teachers for children are their parents. They are their first teachers. Many parents do not realise that their influence on their children抯 learning will have a lifetime effect on them. If parents approach learning as challenging and worthwhile, children will do so too.
Here are some ideas to promote preschool children抯 early learning:
1. Parents can encourage more physical exercise during the early years. The preschool child is at the critical period of brain development. Take your children for outdoor activities instead of placing them in extra classes. The more they get to play freely and explore the outdoor surroundings, the more skilful they become.
Spend your pre-dinner time in a nearby park with your children instead of watching television. Children need to work on their large motor skills such as running, jumping, climbing, skipping, galloping and hopping.
Young children need to practise using their fine motor skills in using scissors, pasting, tracing with a crayon or colour pencil and drawing. Worksheets are not stimulating. Children can colour their own drawings and write their own stories. Help them put their ideas into words and write down their words for them. It is more fun and interesting when children read their own stories rather than struggling through a reader book.
2. Many parents focus on their children抯 intellectual skills, particularly in their reading, writing and arithmetic. Very little time is spent on dealing with children抯 emerging emotional self. Preschool children need to work through their feelings in creative, non-destructive ways. To begin helping your child, talk about what you and your child do every day in household chores and errands. Talk about your feelings in various situations.
For example, after completing your grocery shopping, you can say, 揑 feel happy that I have managed to complete what I set out to do. It is always satisfying when we succeed in doing things we have planned. |
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Talking about sex
There comes a time when parents will have to explain the birds and the bees and their boy/girlfriends too, to their children
Rachel Goodchild
I have three daughters who are thankfully a long way away from their teen years.
However, my husband and I talked recently about how we would feel if one of our sweet, innocent girls came home in 10 or so years and told us they were thinking about sleeping with their boyfriend.
My husband had a quick out - it quickly became obvious that if they were going to confess it to anyone, it would be me. So I had to think about what I would do.
Well, first I desperately wish that it will never happen. I hope that my girls will have already taken on board our ideas of responsible relationships, and our values.
I hope that they will not even think about it for a very, very long time.
As parents, we realised that sex education, like many other things children need to know about, must start now.
It is no use to expect the behaviour we want in our 16- or 17-year-old if we don't put the work in now.
We don't think this is necessarily the time to be precise about what part of the body does what. Our children are pretty innocent and I want them that way for some time yet.
While I may have, at the age of four, given my kindergarten class the facts of life (my parents were into keeping us informed!), I have not got into detail with our children.
However, what our children do know is part of the story. They are watching our relationship, with all of its good and bad bits, seeing us resolve differences, celebrate each other's triumphs and share the odd cuddle when we have a moment to ourselves.
They see us include them into the fold, snuggled between us, as a reminder of what we created together. They see a long-term relationship in action, and know it takes hard work, grit and perseverance.
We have time yet to get into the mechanics of sex education with our daughters. They know that men and women are different, and we teach them to appreciate the differences.
They know that they are girls, and we love them in all that that entails.
My husband works hard to show them how a man should treat them, by treating them with gentleness and respect. His approval of them is important to their gender development.
As they grow, the explanations may get a little more detailed, and explicitness from me. They will understand the mechanics of sex, but alongside that, I hope I pass on the level of maturity required to cope with all the emotions that come from that level of relationship with a man.
So, while I hope my daughters will never feel the need to experience sex at an early age, I hope that if they ever think about it, they will come to me.
And I know I will be ready to tell them how I feel because the journey to that conversation has already begun.
Its all about building trust and communication now, while also imparting our own values so they know what to live by. |
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Mothers share their little secrets
Model student
Ida Chew Siew Ai, 42, of Kuala Lumpur, writes:
My son Ian, 13, loves electronic games, football, playing drums and reading.
I'm proud that he has done well in the recent UPSR examinations and was awarded the 'Tokoh Murid Lelaki' from his school.
I always encourage him to try new things and to keep a balance in everything he does. He's crazy about football and has also taken up swimming, tennis, and took part in public speaking competitions.
Winning formula
Teh Poh Choo, 45, of Shah Alam, Selangor, writes:
Spending quality time with children is important. No matter how busy I am at work, I allocate time to be with my two children, aged 15 and 12. My children are good in their studies and also active in sports. They represented their school in table tennis. I always advise my sons never to give up when they lose but to find ways to improve themselves the next time.
Selflessness and sacrifice
Dr P. Jayanthi, 40, of Bandar Sri Damansara, Kuala Lumpur, writes:
My daughter Natashia Fernandez loves music and dancing. At the age of four, she won the Nickelodeon Talent Quest and other competitions through her kindergarten.
Earlier this month, Natashia excelled as the number one pupil in her Year One class tests.
I believe my little secret for Natashia's success is selflessness and sacrifice. I have put aside my career goals temporarily so that my children, Neville and Natashia, age 11 and six respectively, will have my undivided attention, guidance, encouragement and support.
Hard work pays
Yogeswari Serniwassan, 54, of Kuala Lumpur, writes:
I have three grown up girls, who are all UK graduates. My girls' achievement is my pride and joy as both my husband and myself come from a middle-income family.
My secret is that I started teaching them from primary level, training them to follow a schedule of work and play, including during school holidays. After dinner, it's time for revision and homework. And I rewarded them for good results.
Learning phonics
Cheong May Lan, 48, of Kuala Lumpur writes:
My son is nine this year and his greatest achievement is mastering phonics since he was four. I started teaching him phonics when he could not catch up with his reading in kindergarten. He mastered it in two months. Now he has no trouble reading unfamiliar words. He always scores top marks for spelling.
My secret is this and it applies to all parents |
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Author
Post time 14-3-2008 03:51 PM
