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Be thoughtful
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
The Lunar New Year is the time to renew friendships and strengthen familial bonds. Children learn a lot about the people in their lives during this time of the year.
Parents have a responsibility to teach children about family communication. In recent months, my two girls have been arguing and fighting over minor issues, mostly about things they want. They remind me about how my sister and I used to relate to one another. I am the oldest and I regarded my sister as the spoiled baby while my sister did not like the idea of me bossing her around. We always argued over trivial things. We did not get along at all until we started doing things for one another.
I told my girls that if they can start being thoughtful towards one another, they may start to enjoy each other抯 company. When one person takes the first step to be kind, this act will be reciprocated. Aldous Huxley抯 last words were: 揂ll we need is to be a kinder toward each other. |
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Two-way traffic
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
I HAVE two sons aged nine and 10. They are very close to each other although they quarrel sometimes. They share most interests, enjoy the same activities and keep similar timetables.
They would do their homework just before the tuition teacher arrives or just before bedtime. Every time I ask them about it, their standard reply is: 揇one! |
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Learning to share
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
DO YOU have problems getting your children to share? Parents have to constantly put up with endless squabbling over who gets what. Children will always want what someone else owns. This behaviour starts early with toddlers. The object always seems more attractive when there is more than one person wanting it.
They do not really know why they want it. A toy may lie on the floor for a long time and nobody will play with it until someone picks it up. Suddenly that toy is a hot item. Every child would then claim that he is the one who got it first. The more the other child holds on to the toy, the more desirable it becomes. In the end, the fight is about who takes control or holds the power and not about wanting the toy.
Before you get your child to share, you need to understand children抯 behaviour at different stages of development. A toddler of two years is learning 搊wnership |
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Take the lead
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
MY daughter, who is two-and-a-half years old, usually goes to bed at 11pm. She wakes up by 8am every day and gets ready for nursery school. She is back by noon, and takes a one- or two-hour nap in the afternoon.
I am hoping that she can sleep by 9.30pm because many books tell us that a child needs to sleep before 10pm at the latest for optimum brain and physical development. I抳e tried numerous ways |
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Anger management
CHILDWISE WITH RUTH LIEW
Children often feel anger but may not know how to deal with it. Here are a few pointers on teaching them to cope with anger.
MY SON is an only child. He will be seven years old in April. He just started Primary One at a Chinese school.
We had placed him in a Montessori kindergarten when he was three, then switched him to a Chinese-medium kindergarten when he turned six.
Basically, my son is a happy boy who spends most of his time with my wife who works half a day and also with my mum-in-law and sis in-law who live nearby. I only get to see him in the evenings and on weekends.
I am the one who disciplines him when necessary. I rarely discipline my son with the cane but I have often raised my voice at him.
I was disciplined by a strict father when I was young. He was a bad-tempered father. I think I have picked up his negative traits. Now my son seems to be following my example.
Another reason for my son抯 bad temper could be his chronic constipation. He has suffered a bout of illness. He often cried in pain during those times. Besides that, he hardly gets sick.
He is talkative, enthusiastic and energetic, to the point of even refusing to take afternoon naps. We feel that sometimes his tantrums are caused by tiredness. He does not know how to stop for a rest.
Overall, my son has a happy disposition. But when he gets angry, it is very difficult for his mother. Last Saturday, he got very angry with another child at the swimming pool. The other child accidentally knocked him with a board. He also argued with his mother on the way home. During his angry outbursts, he breathes very fast and shouts very loudly. He calms down only when I tell him to do so.
In response to his misbehaviour, I would remove privileges by taking some money out from his savings or threatening to unplug the X-Box games, which he only gets to play on weekends.
Concerned father
You are worried that your child抯 occasional outbursts will escalate and get out of control. Since you did not have a positive experience in dealing with anger during your childhood, you are worried that your child will not be able to work out his anger. Before you can help your child learn to cope with anger, you must learn to accept anger as part of life. Some people deal with it better than others because they have learned to use positive ways to cope with anger.
Children need to be told that getting angry is acceptable but hitting another person when they are angry is not. They can use words to describe their angry feelings and give reasons for their anger. But they cannot use derogatory words to hurt others or make themselves feel better. It is important that your child find effective ways to deal with his anger rather than be told to 搒top being angry |
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Keep things simple
CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW
Simple lessons requiring patience are more effective than high-tech gadgets.
MY nine-year-old Singaporean cousin once told my younger sister: 揕ead a simple life. |
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Enjoying a healthy variety
Childwise: BY RUTH LIEW
MY youngest daughter is 11. When she was six months old, we started her on cereals and rice porridge. By the time she was two, she refused to eat these foods. Instead, she preferred to drink a lot of milk; the only solids she took were bread and biscuits. She does not eat rice.
She loves pizza without the topping, as well as fries, mashed potato, mozzarella cheese, garlic bread, plain bread, and certain cakes and cookies. Meat-wise, she loves roast chicken, chicken nuggets and satay. She loves green pears, apples, oranges, grapes, strawberries, guava and mangoes. She only eats one type of noodle |
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Eating habits
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
MY 25-month-old son has always been a good eater and I had no problems feeding him when he was six months old. He used to finish up his food |
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Personal safety for girls
Childwise by RUTH LIEW
MY two girls are in primary school. I have been involved with promoting personal safety for children even before they were born. As they grow older, I have become more intense in doing so, especially for school-aged girls.
With the increase of violence against young children, especially girls, I feel compelled to encourage parents to practise safe parenting with their children.
Here are tips on helping your primary school-aged daughters to stay safe:
Keep the channels of communication open
Talk to your child about anything and everything. My daughters have been asking about dating and marriage lately. They want to know what I think about boyfriends, and they share with me their ideas. I take advantage of this interest and listen to them whenever they want to share anything with me.
If you ask your children about school and they reply that nothing much has happened, you should continue to make conversation with them. Never stop monitoring your children and what they are doing.
If you are not interested in their activities, they may turn to others who will show them some attention. It is a known fact that young girls who feel safe and who get positive attention at home are less likely to become victims of drugs, alcohol and sexual abuse.
Know your children抯 widening circle of friends and their families
As your daughter抯 social circle gets larger, ensure that you know who they are. Make it a point to call up her close friends |
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Irritating behaviour
Childwise by RUTH LIEW
AS YOUR child grows and develops new skills, you will probably encounter some negative changes in their behaviour. Some children appear to go from one developmental stage to another without a snag. Others, though, seem to transform from sweet-natured children to little tyrants.
I remember when my daughters turned four years and five years, they made a roundabout turn in their behaviour. They used to be cooperative and were always eager to please. As they moved into the next level of development, though, they started to become aggressive and demanding. They would whine and shout when they could not get their way.
In dealing with developmental challenges, parents must understand their children抯 needs and capabilities. Children learn how to say singular words first, followed by short phrases and then they learn to speak in sentences. When they learn how to ask questions, they realise that questions can get them the attention they seek. They would keep on asking the same questions even when they already know the answers. Many parents can tolerate the questions for a while. But they eventually get annoyed by their children抯 non-stop questioning.
If you have answered your child once or twice, ask him to tell you the answer when he asks the same thing for the third or fourth time. Children like the idea that they know the answer and may stop repeating the same question.
As your child grows and develops, you can also teach her when she should stop. Sometimes, children do not realise that their continuous questioning is tiring for you. Let your child know when you need quiet time. She will know how to tell the difference between the time to ask you questions and the time when she should not disturb you.
At around five and six years, children may tell lies to get themselves out of trouble or to cover up an action. Instead of punishing them or scolding for telling lies, parents will do better by responding to their mistakes fairly and reasonably. Let them know what they should do instead when they have done something wrong. Show them how they can make up for their mistakes. Children will learn quickly that they can own up without worrying that they will face any harsh punishments. The more parents fuss over their behaviour, the more likely children will behave negatively.
Getting preschool children to say 損lease |
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Developing through play
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
PLAY is fun. Children need to play as much as they need food, shelter and clean air. Children do not need to cram their minds with information. When they play, they learn to be resourceful and seek out the right kind of information for use in their play.
In many homes today, children have more toys than their parents ever did but sadly, the toys are mostly remote-controlled or high-tech in nature. The places they play in are limited and structured. By the time they reach school age, children play only games arranged by their schools or clubs. They hardly make up their own games or play freely with their friends.
Play spaces at home, usually arranged by adults, have stuffed animals, board games and store-bought toys all kept in plastic storage boxes. Some, kept high up on the shelves, are inaccessible to young children. They have to rely on adults to get the toys. When adults take over what children can do for themselves, they will lose opportunities to be creative and imaginative.
Play is important to a child抯 development.
A suitable play space for children is a brightly lit room with washable furniture and a few labelled boxes of playthings. Children don抰 need many toys to play. Keep the ones that are unstructured and have multiple use in low shelves or baskets on the floor. Children can use them in their spontaneous play.
An uncluttered room will make them more interested in playing creatively. When they have few choices and a large space to play in, they will make better decisions. Instead of placing all the toys in the play space, parents can rotate them to ensure variety. This way, the children will find the toys new and exciting when they are brought out again.
Children need play mates. They copy from each other and make up stories to tell each other. With other children, they exchange funny quips that only those at the same stage of development will enjoy. Children develop great sense of humour through play.
American child development expert, Dr Kathy Hirsh-Pasek who co-wrote Einstein Never Used Flashcards encourage parents to be wary of the so-called expensive 搒mart toys |
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Make learning fun
CHILDWISE
By Ruth Liew
I HAVE a pair of twin boys aged four years old. I have been sending them to a learning enrichment programme for the past one year. They learn Mathematics at the centre and bring home worksheets for practice. The programme requires that I give them extra coaching at home. I find this task extremely challenging. I often have to keep a cane next to me or shout at them before they would do what I say.
When my sister or other relatives worked with them occasionally, they would give them their cooperation. I wonder if they are just testing my patience. Recently, I also engaged a home tutor to work with them. Her task is to prepare them for kindergarten next year. They like talking to her.
It has been a year since I started sending them to this enrichment programme for Mathematics. They refused to attend the lessons on their own. I had to accompany them for every lesson.
I wonder what I should do to help them get ready for kindergarten next year. They are playful and not really into formal lessons. I have heard many complaints from mothers who also find it hard to work with their own children. What should I do to get my boys to pay attention to my lessons? I want to know how to coach them at home.
Frustrated mother of twin boys
HELPING your child to learn during the early childhood years is more than just doing worksheets. If you want to help prepare your twin boys for kindergarten, you must make learning fun. You cannot motivate your children to learn when you threaten them or use force on them. To get ready for kindergarten, children need lots of play experiences so that they can learn to negotiate, to plan and to use language appropriately. This is what your four-year-olds need for successful academic learning.
Your sons |
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Faltering at school
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW
I HAVE three children aged 15, 16 and 17 years. My eldest, a boy, is a high achiever and is hardworking. My youngest, also a boy, is not as smart but he is hardworking and has done well in school.
What worries me is my daughter抯 attitude. She is 16 years old. She is a very smart girl but she is indolent and has a laid-back attitude. When she was younger, she would never complete a puzzle. She gives up at the slightest hint of difficulty. She won't attempt the task if it posed a challenge to her.
When she was in Form Three, she got rather bad results in her trial PMR despite going for tuition. She got only an A for her English; the rest were Bs, Cs, and Ds. It got me really worried. So for the following two months, I stopped her from tuition and sat with her for four to five hours a day, and made her do all the past-year papers from different workbooks. She managed to score 5As in the PMR.
Now in a Form Four pure science class, she attends tuition for most of the subjects. In her mid-year exam, she failed almost all the subjects except English and Bahasa Melayu. Following this, I sent her for tuition. I asked the teacher to give her lots of homework so that she could practise. I know she would not do so on her own initiative.
I also nagged her to work at History. She barely passed the final exam. She failed the Science subjects as well as Bahasa Melayu which is one of her strongest subjects.
Even if your child fares poorly at school, you should continue to encourage him and help him feel that he matters instead of merely focusing on his grades.
I know she can do it if she works at it. I抳e told her so. But she just sits there frozen when I lecture her and try to get through to her.
I抦 really at my wits |
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Negative impact of TV
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW
One day, I was watching TV with my children. One scene showed how a man drugged a girl and raped her. The scene only showed the man taking off the girl抯 clothes. No nudity was shown.
I explained to my children that the man was bad as he had taken advantage of the girl. Then I asked them how they felt after watching the show.
My six-year-old daughter said that she was very angry about what the man did and felt sorry for the girl. But my four-year-old son told me that his penis was 搒tanding up |
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Sleeping problems
Childwise by Ruth Liew
I AM a first-time mummy. My daughter is 18-months-old. My daughter has been well-behaved and follows a strict daily routine. She takes an afternoon nap from 1pm to 4pm, and later sleeps at around 9-9.30 pm, when I take care of her. When she is with the babysitter, she has two naps (one in the morning and another in the afternoon) and still sleeps at around 9pm to 9.30pm.
Last week we came back from a holiday at my mum抯 place in Penang. While there, my daughter could not fall asleep easily. Instead I had to drive her around until she dozed off.
At night, too, she wouldn抰 sleep. So I let her watch a Barney show until she dozed off. In the middle of the night, she woke up and cried, and wanted to go downstairs and watch TV again until she dozed off.
This has been going on since she was in my mum抯 place for a week. I believe she was not comfortable in the new environment.
Now we are back in our own home. At night, she is not able to fall asleep easily. I let her watch a Barney show until she falls asleep at between 10.30pm and 11.30pm. I抳e tried explaining and talking to her but I failed to convince her to go to bed. She keeps crying till I give in despite my yelling and threatening to cane her or telling her that I won抰 love her if she continues doing that.
The reason I want her to go to bed early is because the next morning I have to send her to the babysitter抯 at around 7.15am.
What shall I do now? When is the best time for her to nap and sleep at night?
First-time mother
Your daughter is developing greater independence and gaining self-awareness as she becomes a toddler. One nap in a day is what parents of toddlers can expect. Gone are the days when you can put your child to a two-nap routine as well as an early bedtime.
As she is seeking more control and power, it will get harder for you to put her to bed in the evening. You may have to be more self-disciplined when it comes to dealing with your child抯 bedtime rituals. Avoid using television-viewing to entice her to bed. The longer she stays up each night, the harder it will be for you to get her to bed the next time.
You may want to practise going through the bedtime rituals, such as brushing teeth together and setting up the bed. In addition to the existing bedtime rituals, you may want to include an activity such as story-reading or sing-along.
The activity you do with your child before bedtime should be one that is quiet and calming. You can also use this time as a mum-daughter bonding time. When you finish with a story or a song, you may say, 揘ow it is time to say good-night and go to bed, tomorrow night we will meet again for another song/story. |
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My daughter and the maid
CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW
I HAVE a boy aged 13 and a girl aged 10. My Filipino maid has been with me for 10 years and she will be returning home for good in January 2007.
My daughter was brought up by my maid. She is very close to her and has been sleeping with her in the same bedroom. As she grows, my daughter shares many common interests such as music and books with her. Sometimes, she would tell her secrets that she keeps from me because she is afraid that I might get angry.
They do have their tiffs. There were times when my maid misunderstood my daughter抯 ideas and behaviour. There were occasions when my daughter got mad and shouted at her. But their relationship has remained good.
I would like to know how to help my daughter cope with my maid抯 forthcoming departure. What are the things that I should do?
I hope my daughter will be able to accept her departure. I know it is going to be tough for them. - Concerned mother
Your 10-year-old daughter is very close to your domestic helper. She will surely miss her when her caregiver leaves for home in four months.
For starters, you can reassure your daughter that she is very much loved and cared for by her own family. You must also acknowledge her sadness and reluctance in parting with someone who has cared for her all these years.
Your daughter may have feelings of fear and worry when the maid leaves. She will feel helpless and wonder who will be her confidante when she needs one. To help her ease her anxiety and cope with this stress, you must start to draw closer to her. Build on your mother-daughter relationship to strengthen her from within. She needs to know that you can be her friend as well as her mother.
Talk to your daughter about the changes to expect when the maid leaves. As you help your maid prepare to leave for home, you can also help your daughter to prepare for what lies ahead. She may want to do up her own room or set up a new schedule with you. With good planning, there will surely be fewer disruptions to the family routines. This way, your daughter will feel more confident with the changes.
Share with your daughter what kind of adjustments everyone in the family will be making. You can also talk about your feelings. As she gains more awareness of the impending separation, she will find it easier to cope when she has to say goodbye.
Your daughter may get angry and upset when she finds out that the maid will be leaving soon. Do not berate her for expressing her feelings; let her know that she can express them. Reassure her that you are prepared to hear her out whenever she needs a listening ear. If her anger turns violent or hurtful towards others, you may want to be firm with her.
Encourage your daughter to be independent and responsible. At 10 years of age, she would have developed many skills that she can contribute to the family. Assign some special duties for her to do in family routines. Before your maid leaves, you will do well to encourage your daughter to do certain tasks at home. Praise her when she does well and is responsible for the duties entrusted to her. Tell her it is a tribute to your maid who has done a good job in her care-providing.
You can help your daughter say goodbye to your maid by creating happy memories together. Since the school holidays are around the corner, plan to do something fun together. Your primary school age child will be able to give you many interesting ideas that can bring cheer to all in the family, especially your maid.
Reassure your daughter that she can still stay in touch with your maid through mail, phone calls and visits. She will feel better when she knows that she can still communicate with her. It is positive to note that they can still remain friends when they are apart.
Your daughter will learn to cope with losing the maid when she gains your support and encouragement. She will be stronger and more self-assured if she has your understanding and unceasing love. Spend more quiet time with her before the maid leaves so that she will find it easier to make the transition. |
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Be their audience
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW
I WATCHED two families with young children waiting for their flight at the airport lounge. Both sets of parents were relaxed and their children were playing cooperatively with one another. But when the siblings started fighting, their parenting styles were revealed.
One set of parents talked to both children who were fighting over a toy. Each child was attended to as an individual. No one cried out loudly in this family.
The other family used a different approach. When the younger child let out a loud cry, the child was abruptly pulled aside. The mother angrily walked towards the father with the child in tow. She uttered a few words and left the crying child with the father. This was how the fight ended.
This family probably gets such repeated episodes frequently. The children do not get a chance to learn how to solve problems together. They will continue to fight with one another for attention or for objects they both want at the same time.
The other family, however, offers support for each child and values their differences. The two young children in this family will eventually learn to negotiate and get along with each other.
Sometimes parents feel guilty about 搒hort-changing |
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Different girl in school
CHILDWISE
BY RUTH LIEW
I HAVE a problem with my eldest daughter. She is seven years old and attending Year One at a Chinese-medium school. Since January until now, she will not open her mouth when the teacher asks her questions or when she is required to read during the oral exam. She won抰 sing during music class. Her teacher thinks that she does not know how to sing! But in truth, she sings very well at home.
She got 7 A抯 out of 10 subjects.
Her classmates do not talk or play with her because she is quiet all the time. The only person she has befriended is a Malay girl whom my daughter eats with during recess.
She does not dare tell her teacher when she needs to go to the toilet. To date, she has soiled her pants in the classroom three times.
Her teacher has called me a few times to discuss this problem; she has asked me to seek the help of a child psychologist.
I am really worried.
Concerned mom
Many children tend to get very anxious when they first start school. During the first month, many will choose to keep quiet and refuse to talk to the teacher. Once they start to feel more comfortable with the school setting, children will warm up and talk in class. Your daughter has refused to talk to her teachers and classmates for the last nine months.
Her excessive shyness and high anxiety level need to be treated by a professional. You must seek help so that she will overcome this problem before it gets worse. She needs to develop confidence and social skills to cope with the demands in school.
MY son will be turning four in January 2007. Since last month, I have placed him in a home-based childcare, day and night.
My spouse is having an affair which is causing me sadness, depression, anger and frustration.
I realise that I get mad at my son easily. I always raise my voice at him whenever he does not listen to me. I would walk away from him without saying a word.
My son always tells me that he does not like going to the nanny抯 place. He has become very clingy and gets upset easily.
Due to my long working hours, he is at the babysitter抯 day and night. His dad doesn抰 spend enough time with him. I have to do everything myself. He doesn抰 even want to take his son out for walk. My son is very attached to me.
What will happen to my son after our divorce?
Sad mother
Children are bound to suffer from stress when there is marital rift in the family. It is never easy on any young child when there is trouble at home. You can help ease his fears and anxiety by offering him a great deal of reassurance. He needs to know that he is still loved by his parents even though they are separated.
Whenever you have some time in a day, you can visit him at his babysitter抯 or call him on the phone. Give him a special item from home to take to the babysitter抯, to remind him of you when you are away at work.
If your son gets strong support and reassurance from you and his caregiver, he will be able cope with the changes in his life.
If you have intense negative feelings, you need to seek help from someone to work out your feelings so that you can give positive support to your young son.
MY son is three and a half years old. I have been sending him to a babysitter since his birth.
He has been attending a full-day kindergarten for a month. He was fine during the first week but later started to cry every morning after waking up. I have tried using both the soft and the hard approach but to no avail. Subsequently I also sent his elder sister to accompany him.
Mornings are usually very hectic for me. I have lost my patience having to coax him several times. I just leave the house now as soon as I am ready and couldn抰 care a bit even he is still crying.
I have checked with his teacher. She said that he is perfectly all right in school for the first half of the day. But he starts to feel nervous if he doesn抰 see his sister in the afternoon.
Is this problem caused by long hours at the kindergarten? I have no choice as there is no one to take care of him at home.
Worried working mother
Starting kindergarten for a soon-to-be four-year-old is always filled with anxiety and fear. It is worse for him when he has to cope with new routines and changes in childcare.
For starters, you must acknowledge his feelings. He needs to know that you understand how difficult it is for him to cope with the changes. Whenever you are with him after kindergarten, share with him the happenings in the day and help him talk about his time at the kindergarten.
If the mornings are always a rush for you, prepare for your next day in the evenings. You can also get up earlier to spend a little time on a special activity with your son. This way he will look forward to waking up in the mornings. Once you are more relaxed with your children in the mornings, they will also learn to adjust to the routine feeling more calm and controlled. |
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Building self-esteem
Childwise: By RUTH LIEW
I HAVE a five-year-old son. How do I build his self-esteem? A teacher at his regular kindergarten tells me that he is a very smart boy. At another learning centre, the teacher reports to me that he has very low self-esteem. He is only afraid of me and gets nervous when I express displeasure with his behaviour. Please advise.
Single Mum
Children form their own self-image based on ideas they get from others. They think that they are good when someone tells them they are good. They feel bad when they are criticised or scolded for their wrongdoings. If they are labelled as 搉aughty |
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Trouble at home
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW
MY BROTHER separated from his wife a year ago, leaving their two children in the care of my sister-in-law. The boy is three and a half years old and the baby girl is only a year old. My mother and I are helping her with childcare responsibilities.
Every morning, my nephew cries because he refuses to attend nursery class even though his teachers say that he is well-behaved. They report that he enjoys being at the nursery.
We started sending him to the nursery only three months ago. He went without much fuss during the first two months. I am the one who sends him there while his mum picks him up in the evenings.
Lately, he has started having separation anxiety. He would cry just before we arrive at the school and beg me not to send him there.
When he stays home, he gets restless. He bullies his sister and disobeys his grandma. He throws tantrums and is demanding, to get our attention.
A year ago, before my brother moved out, there were many fights and quarrels. My nephew was a witness to the spousal conflicts.
Since the separation, my nephew seldom asks about his father. He said that his father is the bad person, and he wants to stay with his mum and grandma. I wonder if his difficult behaviour is due to the marital disputes.
I am heartbroken seeing my nephew in such a state.
Concerned live-in uncle
Children of any age have difficulty coping with divorce and separation. They are also affected by marital disputes that go on in the family. Some children blame themselves for what is happening between their parents. Others may feel confused and angry. Common reactions include regression in behaviour and temper tantrums when they cannot express how they feel.
Your nephew is very fortunate to have the extended family to give support to him during this difficult period. He may be feeling very upset over his parents |
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Author
