Childwise (pelbagai artikel)

Syd

Craving for attention

CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW   

I HAVE a five-year-old daughter and a two-year-old son. As I have a nine-to-five job, I only get to spend time with them after work. The children seem to love the quality time I spend with them.   

My problem is that, most of the time, both of them demand my full and immediate attention. Each child wants me to do something with him or her at the same time. They refuse to share. The situation becomes unbearable especially during bedtime as both of them enjoy reading stories with me.   

Both children sleep in separate rooms. The children, however, do not make such demands on my wife, perhaps because they are already with their mother during the day. (My wife works in the afternoon.) I抳e tried reading to both of them together but they seem to demand exclusive attention.   

I would appreciate your advice especially with regard to my kids

Syd

Incorrigible

Childwise by RUTH LIEW

My youngest son, 14, is studying in a private school. My husband and I are having difficulty guiding him. He is doing very badly in school. He is lazy. My husband and I have advised him to study hard and lead a balanced life. While he likes to participate in different activities in school, he gets bored after a while and quits. We allow him to play computer games, watch TV or take part in outdoor activities only after he has finished his homework.

I抳e used every method that I know to guide him, but to no avail. I am very hottempered. I get very mad and scold my kids if they do anything wrong. Maybe because of this, my youngest son is always doing things behind my back, such as lying and stealing.

My husband and I have attended parenting talks but the methods do not seem to work on my son. Every time we find out that he has done something wrong behind our backs, he quickly says: 揑 was afraid that you might not allow me to do so

Syd

Giving up the pacifier

CHILD WISE
By RUTH LIEW

I HAVE a four-year-old daughter and a three-year-old son. My mother-in-law introduced my daughter to the pacifier when she was four months old, and she has been hooked on it since.  

Now my daughter needs the pacifier to sleep, and whenever she needs some attention. We have tried to coax her not to use the pacifier but she gets very upset. She knows it is not a good habit. She uses it whenever we go travelling. As soon as we reach our destination, she would quickly hand the pacifier to me, for me to hide it. She is embarrassed about it. When she has to sleep over at our relatives

Syd

Inspire your child

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

It is important that parents raise their children to be successful in life, as well as to be good people.

WHEN asked what they want for their children, most parents say that they want them to be happy. This sounds simple but, sadly, many children who are indulged by their parents are not happy. They have to live up to their parents

Syd

Try a little kindness

CHILDWISE: BY RUTH LIEW

I HAVE a son aged four, and a two-year-old daughter. My kids were previously taken care of by my parents-in-law but early this year, with my son starting nursery, I brought him home. I have been taking care of him since.

M son is very stubborn. At first, whenever I got angry with him, I would yell at him, or hit and scold him. Now I try to control my anger. However, I don抰 know how to deal with him when he is disobedient.

When he behaves negatively, I threaten to withhold something that he wants. Then he will start yelling and crying, and even lying on the floor in public places.  

It is worse if my parents-in-law are around

Syd

Acting their age

Childwise by RUTH LIEW

AT A recent parenting workshop I conducted, one parent asked how I would handle his three year-old son抯 behaviour. His family of four sat in the front row for about 45 minutes, listening intently to my talk. When I stopped for questions, the little boy got out of his seat and started running about. His father, embarrassed by his behaviour, asked about ways to control his son抯 behaviour.

Actually, I was impressed by the self-control the little boy displayed while I was talking. He started running about later simply because he needed a bit of stretching and activity. After all, he had sat passively for a long time. He was a normal, active child. I told the father that the boy抯 behaviour was acceptable. We can expect children to get restless after sitting for some time.  

At ages two to six, children learn through their senses and physical activities. They want to imitate adult behaviour but they are limited by their lack of experience and maturity. They will make many mistakes before getting it right. Knowing this, adults should not try to force them to sit still for long stretches. The key is to understand the kids

Syd

Work out a compromise

Parents who are consistent and agreeable are better able to manage their child抯 misbehaviour.

CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW

MY HUSBAND and I often quarrel over our three-year-old daughter抯 mischievous behaviour. Whenever she misbehaves, I would talk to her nicely to manage her behaviour. I resort to spanking only when she is very stubborn. She responds well to my parenting style.

My husband, on the other hand, wants to be very strict and firm with our daughter. He would scold her loudly, and admonish me when I interfere.  

My daughter is being cared for by my parents. She stays at their house. My husband and I are planning to bring her home and send her to be cared for by a babysitter. At my parents

Syd

Dads and daughters

Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

Daughters who feel loved and accepted by their fathers are more confident and willing to face challenges.

FATHERS are important to their daughters. They are the first men that their daughters come to know and respect.  

Today抯 fathers are getting more involved in their children抯 upbringing. Many fathers have dispelled the myth that fathers are not as good as mothers in taking care of their children. Fathers can help their daughters develop their self-image and learn to value themselves when they show that they respect their daughters for who they are.

My father had a parenting style that was different from his peers

Syd

Telling the truth

Can a young child differentiate between making up stories and blatant lying?

CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW

I have three boys, aged 10, eight and four. I would like to think that I抳e raised my sons well. I抳e taught them to be honest and to always tell the truth even if they抳e done something wrong. Both my older sons have always been honest with me. I have also been honest with them because I believe that by being honest with each other, we learn to trust each other.  

However, I抦 not sure if my youngest child knows that lying is not good. For example, once, his elder brother told me that my youngest kicked him. I confronted the boy and asked if he had done that. He told me that he hadn抰. I asked him again and again. He then started crying and insisted that he hadn抰 done it. I then stopped pressuring him.  

I waited for a while and then had a frank talk with him about lying, and he said that he understood. I refrained from asking him again about the incident because I did not want him to feel that I didn抰 trust him. Of course I asked the elder brother in private about the incident. Such incidents often happen. Can a four-year-old understand the concept of lying? - Concerned Mother

Active imagination is at its peak in four- and five-year-olds. They make up all kinds of stories. Sometimes, when they make a mistake or get into trouble, they may come up with a story that is very far-fetched, or deny having done anything wrong. They may even end up believing the story they made up to be true. But their lies or fibs are not intended to hurt or cause trouble. When a four-year-old 搇ies

Syd

Reassure him of your love

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Divorce can be confusing for a child caught in the middle.

MY seven-year-old son is feeling confused. His father, my ex-husband, tells him nasty things about me. We have been divorced since he was a toddler. Recently, his father has been badmouthing me. My son is young and is easily influenced by his dad. His behaviour towards me has changed a lot in the past few months, and I can抰 seem to help him. Every reply that I give him, he will relay to his dad, who counters with something else. I find it hard to convince my son.

His dad tells him I was the one who wanted the divorce, and that I left him. I want to help my son understand what is really going on between his dad and me. I want him to grow up to be a happy and well-adjusted individual.

Concerned Single Mother

  
Emotional turmoil: A child whose parents are divorced needs to have her feelings acknowledged and her needs recognised.

Syd

Unwanted attention

Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

My daughter leaned over and whispered to me, 揑 will tell you something later in the car.

Syd

Soothing the pain

CHILDWISE
RUTH LIEW

How do you comfort a child who is emotionally hurt?

WHEN children get hurt, parents rush over to them and try to ease the pain and tend to the bruise. Once the wound is cleaned and treated, the child takes off in an instant. Before the tears have dried up, this incident is already over. Mummy or daddy has earned another brownie point for good parenting.

But what about the emotional hurt your child experiences in primary school?  

My eldest daughter, 11, got into my car after school one afternoon and blurted out, 揑 don抰 like their teasing. They are always making fun of me. When I tell them to stop, they ignore me.

Syd

Minding the child minder

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Child-care providers aren抰 merely babysitters. They take care of your child抯 physical, emotional and intellectual needs, and deserve your respect and appreciation.

HAVING been on both sides of the fence, I know the ups and downs of placing a child in a day-care centre as well as looking after the child as a childcare provider.  

Today, parents are very fortunate to have child-care providers who are trained and experienced. There are many accredited childcare training programmes in both government and private sectors. Childcare providers today also have plenty of resources to draw from, compared to 20 years ago.

If you are a working parent with young children, the childcare provider plays a pivotal role in your life. She looks after your children while you are at work. She not only meets your children抯 physical needs; she also looks after their emotional, language and intellectual needs. Her job entails more than just babysitting. In fact, a trained and experienced childcare provider does not want you to consider her merely a babysitter.  

The key to a good relationship between you and the childcare provider is respect. Parents must know how to communicate with their childcare provider so that there is understanding and sharing to benefit the children under her care. Research in the United States has shown that children who are in high-quality day-care centres fare better in their vocabulary tests compared to their peers, in their later academic life. Childcare providers in these high-quality day-care centres hold undergraduate degrees, especially in early childhood education.  

In Malaysia today, parents place high demands on childcare providers that exceed normal responsibilities. Sadly, childcare providers

Syd

Tell me a story

Stories about your past can help your children connect better with you, find ways to solve their problems and manage stress.

CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW

WE GROW up listening to stories of all kinds. Our parents and relatives have told us stories that built our faith and confidence, inspired us, helped us to better understand ourselves and our responsibilities, and influenced our thinking and how we tackle our problems.  

Children learn from stories about the past. When parents tell stories about their families to their children, it is like a piece of history passed on to the next generation. Every family has interesting stories to tell. Every child should have his or her own collection of family stories. The oral tradition of telling stories should continue.

For babies and toddlers, you can sing the folk songs that you used to hear as a child. The lullabies of old will remain in your children抯 minds until they are able to sing them on their own. Hum the tune during quiet times with your child.  

Preschoolers enjoy easy-to-do crafts. During your childhood, you may have used rubber bands and ice cream sticks to make simple toys, or threaded leaves together to make a lei (flower garland), or folded paper into the shapes of boats and hats, or used tin cans as 搕elephones

Syd

Performance anxiety

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

There抯 more to life than grades

Syd

Pinnacle of toddlerhood

CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW

Three-year-olds should be shown patience as they are at the high end of their learning spectrum and are keen to show off their new-found abilities.

IN THE third year of life, children reach the pinnacle of toddlerhood. Some children take great delight in their new-found motor skills. They work hard at running, hopping, jumping and skipping. Those who have a penchant for language are able to speak clearly and have a varied vocabulary.

At this age, children are at the high end of the learning spectrum. They are eager to please their parents. They tend to do everything with a certain degree of flair and imagination. They like to show off their new-found skills.  

Three-year-olds are more independent than they were six months ago. Their communication skills have greatly improved. Two or three months ago, they were still struggling to express themselves and making themselves understood. Now they can express themselves well.  

Another positive development concerns their socialisation. When my nephew, Joshua, was at that age, he loved to play host. During family get-togethers, Joshua would be the first person to greet everyone; he also provided the 揺ntertainment

Syd

Little interest in learning

CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

I AM a mother of a seven-year-old boy and a four-year-old girl. My older child, who started Year One in a Chinese-medium school this year, is giving me a lot of problems.

I have been coaching him every day, since he was five, to prepare him for Year One. I still coach him every night. But of late, he has started to rebel against whatever I have been trying to do with him. He forgets things easily, especially when it comes to learning Chinese. I spank him whenever he refuses to co-operate.  

He tells me that he does not concentrate in school.

He has been unruly towards our maids since he was young. As such, the maids did not want to renew their contracts when these expired.  

Occasionally, I would encourage my son to study and behave well, by enrolling him for classes for his favourite activities, such as roller-skating. His behaviour improved a little after he抎 spent time doing what he enjoyed.  

He is a very active and intelligent boy whom I love very much. I plan many activities for him on weekends and he seems to enjoy them all.  

What should I do? Am I forcing him too much? I don抰 want him to feel hatred towards me. If I relax, he will not be able to catch up with his studies. I do not expect him to be a top student but he has to manage his studies well. I don抰 want him to lose interest in his lessons.

Worried sick parent



Every parent wants the best for her children. What parents want is not necessarily what is best for their children抯 age and development. Your son is probably stressed out by the pressure you put on him to do well academically. His difficult and rebellious behaviour is a sign of his feeling stressed.

Today抯 children appear to be very lucky to have many different activities to occupy their time with. Parents want to give their children an enriching and happy childhood by packing their days with all kinds of classes. They think that the more they give, the better their children will turn out.  

On the contrary, many children suffer in silence and feel miserable when they have hardly any time to chill out and be themselves. They are always practising for something, taking part in competitions or sitting for exams.

Children need time to gain self-awareness. Unlike adults, they do not have the words or ability to cope with stress in their lives. In order for them to relax and learn to cope with the demands set before them, they need time to just be themselves.  

Your son needs some downtime to find his own interests and develop a positive attitude. Balance is the key to getting your child to behave positively and work hard towards school success. He will not lose out or lag behind if you just balance his work and play time.  

Just ask any grandparent who spent most of his childhood days in the great outdoors, playing and having fun. They did not feel that they were deprived as children or that their parents loved them any less because they did not enrol them for extra classes.  

Your relationship with your son will also improve if you spend time playing with him instead of only coaching him in his schoolwork. You can help him a little but allow him to do most of the work himself. In order to know his own capabilities, he needs to do it by himself. The more independent he becomes, the better he will do in his school learning.        



My 10-year-old boy is having a difficult time at school. He was transferred from a Chinese-medium primary school to a national school.  

I had hoped to reduce the school pressure, as he had very bad experiences in Years One and Two at the Chinese-medium school. I gathered that his teacher and classmates teased him. Since then, he has found it difficult to put in any effort into his schoolwork, tests and exams. He seems to have totally given up on himself.  

The present after-school-care-cum-tuition-centre is my only hope. I want to encourage him to learn and focus on his studies. The teacher at the centre says he is slow and prone to daydreaming, which means that he has no liking for any kind of learning. He fares badly in all subjects.

Recently he asked to be signed up for after-school art classes. He appeared to be quite excited and enthusiastic about it.  

So I decided to sign him up for the classes even though I would rather that he concentrates on the core subjects first. I want him to gain more self-confidence.

Concerned parent



You have done the right thing by signing your son up for art lessons. He needs to find something that he is good at to gain some self-confidence. He will feel good about himself when he knows that he can succeed in something he enjoys. It is highly advisable for him to get involved in an activity outside school that he can excel in. At your son抯 age, he needs to find something that he can identify with and be proud of. This way, he will develop friendships with a group of friends who share a similar interest.  

Doing what he likes will help him gain confidence, resilience and independence. You should support him in the activity he enjoys and be patient with him until he is ready to meet the challenges of school demands.

Syd

Learning from mistakes

CHILDWISE BY RUTH LIEW

MY SEVEN-year-old has school anxiety. She gets very upset and anxious when there is a spelling test, exam or singing competition.  

She started kindergarten at five. There were no exams in her kindergarten. She had a carefree time at her pre-school where she used to daydream. She participated in both individual and group work. She did extremely well during the last year of kindergarten.

She used to be apprehensive about joining storytelling competitions when she first started pre-school. At six, she told us that she was ready to join a storytelling competition. She surprised us by winning the first prize and we were very happy for her.

My daughter was first introduced to a spelling test when she first joined an enrichment programme. We helped her prepare for the test and she got full marks for it. Since then, she has set her mind on getting 100% in every test.

Now that she is in a Chinese-medium primary school, she gets very anxious and starts to panic whenever there is a test or competition. She feels frustrated and disappointed over seemingly minor problems, such as losing her eraser or ruler, or tackling her homework.  

She finds it hard to cope with group work because she does not want to fail in front of others. She gets very anxious over her inability to understand certain work in class. Her anxiety builds up even before she goes to school.  

After taking a test or an examination, she would start worrying about the outcome. She usually scores high marks for her tests and examinations. Once the results are out, she is relieved until the next test.

We have advised her not to get too worked up over tests and her grades. She finds no enjoyment in attending school. She is always crying and getting upset over test results and worrying about the things she cannot do. She fears failure and the inability to cope. We are concerned that this behaviour will go on and eventually become a major problem for her.

Worried father

In our exam-oriented and result-focused school environment, it is common to find school-age children who have fear of failure and school anxiety. Your daughter shows signs of perfectionist behaviour. She fears her mistakes and poor grades will make her less acceptable as a person. She has learned over the last two years that good grades generate a great deal of positive attention for her.  

To help your daughter overcome her school anxiety and learn to cope with less-than-perfect results, the whole family must co-operate and show support for one another when mistakes and failures occur. This means parents must let children know what they really want from them. Children take their cues from adults. They learn their self-worth from how they are perceived by the people around them. School-age children like to be praised for what they have done.  

The more they are praised for their high grades, the more they will focus their attention on getting them. They fear that they will no longer be loved if they do not do well in their exams. They become very upset when they are criticised.

Parents should encourage children to enjoy their learning experience rather than focus on results. Use more encouraging words to help your child realise that her effort and coping skills outweigh the grades she gets, in importance.  

When your child is studying for a test, help her to differentiate what is important and what is not. Talk to her about how her learning helps her to be an independent person. She develops competency when she works at her tasks.

It is not easy for parents to show support for their children when they make mistakes.

We want our children to strive for excellence, yet we have to teach them how to accept mistakes and failures. The problem will persist if we continue to regard getting perfect scores in examinations as success. We have to help our children understand that they can also feel good about themselves when they make mistakes and learn from them. It is more important that they work at their personal best, rather than get perfect results.  

To help children understand that mistakes can help them learn, we can try getting them to see that success comes from the many mistakes they make. Cite examples of the great men and women who failed many times before they succeeded: Marie Curie, Thomas Edison and the Wright brothers, for instance.  

Children can turn their mistakes into tools for learning rather than causes of failure.  

Their self-worth should be based on their perseverance to work at their mistakes and not on the results. Parents must talk about their own failures and mistakes so that children can learn to accept their own mistakes and failures. Tell your children stories about the time you failed in your exams but was acknowledged for your hard work instead of being ridiculed for your poor results. You can also tell them how you managed your mistakes or the difficulties you had when you were confronted with a challenging task. Your experience will help your daughter learn ways to cope with her school tasks.  

Hold family discussions on topics other than school work and encourage everyone in the family to share their feelings about what they enjoy doing. Acknowledge your child抯 other abilities rather than just her academic achievements.  

Children who have other interests outside school tend to develop more confidence and a positive attitude towards challenges. When your child is able to separate herself from her school performance and see the person she really is, she will become less anxious when anticipating tests and competitions.

Syd

Get into the act

Be involved in your child抯 learning by getting to know his preschool and its teachers.

CHILDWISE by RUTH LIEW

LAST week, I conducted a parent education programme on teaching reading, for a nursery school. Only four out of 30-plus parents attended. I was a little disappointed with the turnout. But the four mothers who came more than made up for the poor turnout, with their enthusiasm and exuberance.

Sending children to preschool or nursery school involves more than just paying the fees, providing and labelling the clothing, and arranging transport to and from school. Parents need to know what is going on in their children抯 preschool programme and keep themselves informed of their children抯 progress. Many parents who make the effort to get involved gain greater benefits than they expect.

One of the four mothers told me that she was at the reading workshop not only to learn how to teach her six-year-old son, but for her own self-development. She needed to understand the child抯 learning process and how he learned to read. She felt strongly about getting it right during the early years instead of searching for answers should the child have difficulty reading when older.

Parent education is important. It is especially valuable when the oldest child in the family is at preschool level. What parents learn at this stage may influence their relationships with their preschool child as well as their younger children. They will equip themselves with suitable ideas to help their children make the best of their preschool years. It is easier for the child to make the transition from home to school when parents have the right ideas to make the preschool experience a positive one.

There are many parents who know very little about child development and how their children learn. They have unreasonable expectations and complain that the school is not doing enough and they tend to criticise the teachers. They have liitle patience with their children抯 behaviour and get annoyed with their childish antics, and blame it on the poor guidance their children receive in preschool.

Many preschools and nursery schools these days conduct parent seminars and workshops. This is particularly useful for first-time parents.  

Parents who attend seminars on child education and development develop skills, attitudes and concepts which make them better parents. They learn how to support their children抯 learning as well as build relationships with the teachers. The teachers are able to plan and conduct their lessons with their children more effectively when they have open communication with the parents. On the home front, parents become more supportive of their children抯 learning.

For most preschools, parent education is part of their programme, at no additional cost. The licensing body encourages preschool programmes to provide parent education as this promotes a positive link between school and home. Yet, a mere 2% to 10% of parents in preschool programmes actively take part in parent education activities. Newsletters sent to homes are often unread because parents do not bother to take them out of their children抯 bags.  

The following are some ways parent-education is carried out at preschools:

Bulletins and handbooks

Bulletins are excellent for giving parents brief and clear information they desire

Syd

Magical memories

Childwise: By RUTH LIEW

Relive those wonderful moments of childhood by sharing them with your children.

WHAT are your memories of childhood? My second child is now attending the same primary school that I attended. Whenever I walk through that building, where I spent six years, certain memories come flooding back. Upon picking my daughter up from school, I would tell her what I used to do in school when I was a pupil. She would be all ears, trying to soak up all the anecdotes or stories.  

Children enjoy stories of their parents when they were children. As they grow, they learn a little about their mum and dad as interesting individuals, other than being just their parents. The stories from childhood will spark interesting conversations between parent and child. This sharing will enhance their bonding.

My husband once told our children how, as a child, he used to watch television at his neighbour抯 house as it was the only one in the neighbourhood that had a TV set.

Since we embarked on our TV-free family lifestyle a year ago, my husband and I would tell our children about things that happened in our childhood. We also started playing with our girls the games we used to play as children, like 揥hose shoe is a dirty shoe, please go out!