ALL ABOUT : to spank or not to spank by gam_hajah & sha_n

guppy

Pada pendapatku yg tak seberapa ni, sesetengah keadaan  tak memerlukan pukul memukul2. Sesetengah perlu. Tapi bagi tujuan mendidik dan bukan bantai pukul utk melepaskan geram.

Kadang2 bila my son notty tak mendengar kata, ku cuba terangkan cara baik. tapi kalau tak jalan jugak, babap2 dan tinggi suara. Tepuk dengan kadar yang tak kuat, tapi suara marah.

Tapi kadang2 tak perlu. Ku jengil je mata, die dah paham - NO.

Lain budak lain perangainya...nak crita lelebih2 pun, pengalaman secetek nih je buat masa nih.

nestum1

sy pun kdg2 hilang sabar ngan karenah anak2..
y sulung tuh<11thn> sedikit slow dr segala segi..
kita cakap dgn bahasa yg senang pun dia mcm terpingga pingga..
x faham ropanya...hangin jek..
ketiga tiga anak sy pun pernah kena pukul...mlm2 nyesal beb..
nangis sy..
my hubby pernah lempang anak yg sulung sampai pecah dlm mulut..
sy warning,kalo jadi apa2 saya akan report polis..
walaupun dia pukul sebab anak malas belajar tp pada pada lah
saya suruh dia pukul tang kaki/bawah pinggang tp my hubby
buat tak kisah
bila anak dah tido,hubby tau lak nyesal...

ajasu

guppy, aku suka bab jegilkan mata tuh....

MrsJohn

Aku baca buku 'anakku hebat anakku soleh', dlm Islam tak boleh pukul budak under 2 yo. Even kalau nak pukul yg besar2 tu, ade caranya...bukan pakai hantam jer...Byk gak le pendapat bertentangan tentang spank ni....

Bagi aku personally, aku pukul diorg sebagai simbolik je...bukan dgn kuat yg menyakitkan. Just nak bgtau what they did is wrong, ini pun lepas warnings aku dibolayan....

Bukan senang nak asuh/didik kids ni, I can't imagine how baby sitter & nurseries handle the kids....kalau aku, mau pengsan!!!!

KakFie

Teringat sorang kawan yang selalu cerita macam mana lembutnya mak dia bila besarkan dia adik beradik...tak marah...tak jentik pun...serba serbinya lembut.  So dia nak guna pendekatan yang sama pada anak-anak dia...tak nak marah..sebab bagi dia it works that way.  Dia dan adik beradik dia semua berjaya dan ok.

Tapi dari cerita-cerita dia yang lain yang akak put two and two together...mak dia kerja opis...mak saudara dia tinggal dengan diorang...so mak saudara yang GARANG (garang bukanlah maksudnya pendera)  ni lah yang besarkan diorang adik beradik.  Walaupun mak saudara ni garang tapi sampai sekarang dia dan adik beradik dia dah beranak pinak pun still in good terms dengan mak saudara ni.

So kesimpulannya akak terpikir-pikir jugaklah, cara siapa yang berkesan sebenarnya?

JustWant2Know

tak pernah pukul..tengking biasa la...tapi selalu nyesal esp bila tengok diaorang tido with sad face...

my-alja

salam

gam..ooo..gammm...kita samalah gammm .....

me pernah pukul anak sulung nie, lepas 1 minit ajak dia pi kencing...dia boleh2 cakap taknak, dia melepas atas karpet, masa winter!!!!

memang jadi hantu masa tu, me seret dia naik atas...sedar2, me peluk dia..dia cakap sorry, dgn telinga dia merah menyala....paha dia berbirat, me stop pun sebab tangan nie rasa pedih!!

sampai esok pagi dia tido, me tido sekali dgn dia malam tu, takut dia demam....astagfirullah...
lagi sedih esok paginya masa, bekfas dia cakap dgn abahmya...i am sorry, i cannot feel the wee-wee is coming....

whaa..whaaa...berair lagi mata nie bila ingat kejadian tu

my-alja

both berkesan...

tapi memasing ada kelebihan dan kekurangan tersendiri....my kak ipar lahir dr keluarga yg tersgt sopan santun, masuk dlm my family dia gigil bila tgk my mom jeirt marahkan cucu...wakakak

me plak gigil tgk dia "sabar" layan kerenah anak dia tumpahkan nasi dr meja sebab protes kena makan nasi...wakakak

KakFie

Originally posted by my-alja at 6-8-2007 02:34 PM
both berkesan...

tapi memasing ada kelebihan dan kekurangan tersendiri....my kak ipar lahir dr keluarga yg tersgt sopan santun, masuk dlm my family dia gigil bila tgk my mom jeirt marahkan cuc ...

wow...kalau anak akak protes macam tu siaplah.... Tapi kalau dia tak nak makan in the first place memang tak kuasa akak nak  paksa, save your sanity first...

[ Last edited by  KakFie at 6-8-2007 02:42 PM ]

midori88

hmm...aku rasa kalu nak ada anak nie perlu kan kesabaran tahap maksima...risau plak aku kalu2 tak bole nak sabar cam korang...

mamahasbi

Originally posted by Kakmelah at 6-8-2007 10:14 AM
Kak Melah ni pun panas baran juga.....

Cuba kata dalam hati atau kuat kuat pun tak apa ..."Ya Allah bagi lah aku kesabaran" berulang kali insyallah reda lah marah tu..... Kak Melah selalu seb ...

betul gak ckp kakmelah..huhu mencabar sungguh kan nk memanusiakan anak2 nih

Study: Spanking kids leads to long-term bad behavior

August 14, 1997

Web posted at: 9:37 p.m. EDT (0137 GMT)

CHICAGO (CNN) -- In the long run, it turns out that sparing the rod may not spoil the child after all. Indeed, according to a study released Thursday, the opposite may be true: Spanking a child may produce long-term ill effects.

Based on interviews with the mothers of about 3,000 children, researcher Murray Straus of the University of New Hampshire found that corporal punishment is counterproductive, resulting in more antisocial behavior by children in later years.

Parents may not see this "boomerang" effect because it happens over weeks or months, according to the study, which appears in the latest issue of the American Medical Association's Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine.

"Spanking chips away at the child's liking for, and trust of, the parent," Straus said. "One has to look at long-term effects of these things."

Researchers analyzed survey data from 807 mothers of children ages 6 to 9, taken in 1988 and 1990. They compared levels of antisocial behavior among spanked and unspanked children over that interval.

The more spanking a child received at the beginning of the study, the higher level of antisocial behavior at the end, according to the researchers.

Antisocial behavior was defined as cheating, lying, disobedience at school, breaking things deliberately, not feeling sorry after misbehaving or not getting along with teachers.

The study found that the higher levels of antisocial behavior were independent of other traits that could affect that behavior, such as a family's socioeconomic status and the amount of support parents give their children.

Parental warmth and support do tend to lessen the effects of spanking but do not cancel them, Straus said.

The results of this study are likely to be debated, because previous research has shown that 90 percent of U.S. parents spank their children. A majority of pediatricians and psychologists also do not discourage occasional corporal punishment.

In addition, corporal punishment in the classroom is still legal in 23 states.

Many parents spank only as a last resort and say they feel horrible about it afterward. Some would rather use other forms of discipline, if only they would work. Parenting classes offer advice about alternatives, because occasional swats can sometimes lead to harsher hitting.

Psychologist Irwin Hyman, author of the book "The Case Against Spanking," agrees with Straus' study.

"There is never a reason to spank a child, period," Hyman said. "There's no other place in society where someone can ... smack another person. So why should we be able to do this to children?"

But Ted and Andrea Fouriezo, who have four children under the age of 6, defend spanking as a necessary means of setting and enforcing limits with their kids.

"We feel that the parents have to be the parents," Andrea Fouriezo said. "You can't let the children run circles around you, which they will. Kids want to push their limits."

"There (are) also times where they're trying to hurt themselves and we just have to stop them, especially when they were (at) the toddler stage -- touching hot plates or trying to get themselves up on the stove," said Ted Fouriezo.

Correspondent Pat Etheridge and Reuters contributed to this report.

source: http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9708/14/nfm.spanking/index.html

Spanking is one of the most controversial discipline methods. On one side of the debate are parents who believe it is all right to spank their children. On the other side are those who think that children should never be spanked.

Somewhere in the middle are parents who believe that spanking should only be used in particular instances (e.g., when the child runs into the street). Part of the reason for the debate is that parents and experts often define spanking differently. To some, spanking means "slapping a child on the buttocks" (Straus, 1995, p. 5), while others consider spanking a generic term for any corporal punishment that does not cause an injury, such as slapping a child's hand for touching something forbidden or dangerous.

The purpose of this digest is to explore some of the reasons for spanking (using the general definition of any corporal punishment that does not cause an injury), to examine the effectiveness of spanking, and to suggest alternative discipline methods.

Reasons For Spanking

While many adults would argue that hitting people is wrong, spanking children continues to be used as an acceptable form of discipline because many parents think spanking will teach children not to do things that are forbidden, stop them quickly when they are being irritating, and encourage them to do what they should (Leach, 1996).

Some parents also believe that the nonphysical forms of discipline, like time-out, do not work (Samalin & Whitney, 1995). Spanking is also a practice used more in some areas of the country than others (primarily in the southern United States) and in some cultures more than others (Flynn, 1996; Scarr, 1995).


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Effectiveness Of Spanking

While spanking may relieve a parent's frustration and stop misbehavior briefly, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics (1995), researchers suggest that spanking may be the least effective discipline method. To test this hypothesis, researchers surveyed parents, with the assumption that if spanking worked, children who were spanked would learn to behave better over time so that they would need punishing less frequently (Leach, 1996).

However, the results showed that families who start spanking before their children are a year old are just as likely to spank their 4-year-old children as often as families who do not start spanking until later. Thus, children appear not to be learning the lessons parents are trying to teach by spanking.

Spanking may be ineffective because it does not teach an alternative behavior (American Academy of Pediatrics, 1995). In fact, children usually feel resentful, humiliated, and helpless after being spanked (Samalin & Whitney, 1995). The primary lesson they learn appears to be that they should try harder not to get caught.

Spanking also sends the wrong message to children (Samalin & Whitney, 1995). Spanking communicates that hitting is an acceptable way to solve problems, and that it is all right for a big person to strike a smaller one. In addition, when children are spanked, they may know that they have done something wrong, but in many cases, they are too young to understand the lesson. It is a very difficult message for any adult or child to understand: "I hurt you because I don't want you hurt."

Finally, when spanking is the primary discipline method used, it may have some potentially harmful long-term effects such as increasing the chances of misbehavior, aggression, violent or criminal behavior; impaired learning; and depression (Straus, 1995).

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Alternatives To Spanking

One reason parents spank is that they are not aware of other effective strategies for changing children's undesirable behavior. To be effective, discipline that is appropriate for a child's age should be used. Ineffective methods are often based on unrealistic expectations about what children are capable of learning. Parents may find the following age-appropriate discipline suggestions useful alternatives to spanking.

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Suggestions For Parents Of Infants

Infants respond impulsively to many situations without a real understanding of their surroundings and abilities. Spanking will only cause fear and anxiety in children who do not yet understand such concepts as consequences and danger.

When there is danger, grasp an infant's hand instead of slapping (Leach, 1996).

When the infant is holding something that you do not want him to have, trade a toy instead of forcing the item from him (Leach, 1996). He will only hold on tighter if you try to take something away.

Baby-proof your living space so that there is nothing dangerous or breakable in reach (Ruben, 1996; Samalin & Whitney, 1995).

Leave the room if you feel your temper flaring, making sure that the baby is in a safe place like a playpen (Leach, 1996).


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Suggestions For Parents Of Toddlers

Disciplining toddlers requires a tremendous investment of time, energy, and patience, so it is important to find effective and appropriate techniques (Ruben, 1996). For example, it will not be effective to tell toddlers not to play with items that are dangerous, such as the stove, because they do not understand the consequences (Samalin & Whitney, 1995).

Spanking, however, will not clarify the consequences either. Instead, children may learn from spanking that "I'm a bad person," rather than "I did a bad thing." You must use discipline methods consistently or your child will learn that you are not serious.

Make sure the environment is safe by removing any harmful dangerous objects (Samalin & Whitney, 1995). It is natural for toddlers to want to explore their environment.

Always supervise toddlers; it is unrealistic to expect a toddler to play safely without adult supervision for more than a few minutes (Leach, 1996).

Avoid direct clashes with toddlers, which will only make both of you angry and frustrated. Instead, try a diversion or distraction (Leach, 1996). Many problem situations can be eased with something funny or unexpected, such as tickling a mildly upset child (Ruben, 1996).

Use your size and strength to eliminate situations (Leach, 1996). Simply lift a child out of the bath or carry a child who refuses to walk.

If you start to deliver a slap, divert it to your knee or a table (Leach, 1996). This sound will interrupt the behavior without hitting the child.

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Suggestions For Parents Of Older Children

When you start to feel angry with your children, clap your hands loudly (Leach, 1996). The sound will interrupt their behavior.

If your child refuses to listen to you, crouch down to his level, grasp his arms firmly so he cannot avoid looking at you, and then talk calmly (Leach, 1996).

Since spanking does not occur in calm, rational moments (Samalin & Whitney, 1995), it is especially important to control your anger to prevent "losing it." You can walk away, hit a pillow, call a friend, or write a note. Once you have cooled down, you will probably feel less inclined to spank.

If you feel you must punish your children, make sure the punishment is logically related to the incident so that they can learn the lesson you want to teach (Leach, 1996). For example, if your child rides her bike onto a road that is forbidden, take the bike away for the afternoon. This punishment teaches her that roads can be dangerous, that you are concerned for her safety, and that you will enforce safety rules as long as they are needed. Taking away TV, dessert, or spanking will not teach bike safety.

Introduce the appropriate use of time-out (Ruben, 1996). Time-out used as a punishment is controversial. When used to allow a few minutes for a child--and a parent--to regain control of their emotions, it can be effective in stopping a cycle of inappropriate behavior.

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Suggestions For All Ages

Support good behavior. Hugs and praise will go a long way (Ruben, 1996).

Try an ounce of prevention (Ruben, 1996). Effective discipline means announcing clear, simple family rules (the fewer, the better) at a time when children are calm and listening.

Try to understand the feelings behind your child's actions (Ruben, 1996). Ask older children why they are angry. When an infant cries, ask yourself: Does she want to be held? Is her diaper wet? Is she hungry?

Share your change of heart (Ruben, 1996). If you have spanked your children in the past, but have decided that you will stop, talk to your children about your decision. This lesson can be valuable for your whole family.

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Conclusion

The question of whether or not parents should spank their children is not easy to answer. However, spanking is only one of the factors that needs to be considered in the overall discipline process. In deciding how to discipline their children, parents should first ask, "what do I want to accomplish?" If the answer is "teach my children how to make good choices on their own," spanking may not be an issue.

source: http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content4/spanking.morph.html

ajasu

Originally posted by MrsJohn at 6-8-2007 01:21 PM
Aku baca buku 'anakku hebat anakku soleh', dlm Islam tak boleh pukul budak under 2 yo. Even kalau nak pukul yg besar2 tu, ade caranya...bukan pakai hantam jer...Byk gak le pendapat bertentangan t ...

agreed...agreed...penah baca jugak
tu yang aku tau dah 7 tahun baru bleh rotan
lagi satu kalo marah anak cuma boleh pukul bahagian yg tak memudaratkan
yang pasti muka, kepala tak leh pukul..

tu la...kekadang ada jek benda yang aku bengkek dgn nursery
tapi bila pk kan bukan senang diorang jaga budak...
so aku pasrah...asalkan anak selamat..

KakFie

Ini dari buku "The Child in Islam" oleh Norma Tarazi.

Six Strategies For Dealing With Problems

1)  Ignoring Faults and Errors.
-kesalahan yang kecik-kecik tu kita pejam mata sajalah sebab kalau kita nak correct setiap satu mistake, bukan saja anak-anak, diri kita sendiri pun boleh biul dibuatnya...
Contoh yang diberi : anak kita sepahkan dapur sebab nak buat surprise breakfast untuk kita...janganlah kita pandang yang sepah tu..tapi acknowledge the good intention.
- tapi teknik ni tak sepatutnya jadi the lazy parents excuse. Guna untuk certain circumstances.

2)Modify the environment.
Contoh yang diberi: Setengah parents spend a great deal of their time yelling kat anak-anak supaya jangan pecahkan barang perhiasan contohnya.  Cara yang terbaik kita ubah persekitaran kita.  Simpan sajalah perhiasan yang fragile tu.
-Dari parenting course yang akak attend dulu pun speaker ada cakap jugak "Remove the object which becomes the centre of distress".  Contohnya kalau dua beradik berkelahi berebut sesuatu, kita ambik je barang tu..Nak remove anak tak boleh..so remove barang yang jadi object berkelahi tu.  Senang cerita..

3)Substitution
-we can change a child's behaviour by giving him something else in place of something undesirable.
-Contohnya: Kalau anak kecik main dengan benda yang kotor, kita marah pun dia tak faham, so kita distract dia  dengan sesuatu yang lebih beneficial seperti bola ke dsbnya.
-Pointnya tak payahlah kita nak confrontation dengan anak tu.
Teringat akak masa bawak my youngest jumpa paed last year.  Anak akak yang umur 2 tahun waktu tu nak stir air dalam mug atas meja doktor.  Akak panggil anak akak tu, bagi dia pen dan kertas suruh dia conteng.  Anak akak pun datanglah...tak kacau dah air paed tu.  Paed tu cakap "I'm glad that you didnt say NO to him but you distract him with something else instead.  Thats a very good way of tackling the situation".  Ewahh...kembang sekejap..

4)Natural consequences
-Allowing anak-anak untuk rasa sendiri kesan dan akibat kelakuan dia adalah satu cara yang berkesan untuk mengubah perangai dia.
-Memanglah kita sayang anak kita tapi kalau kita protect dia sangat-sangat pun dia tak akan faham yang apa yang dia buat tu akan mendatangkan akibat yang buruk.
Contoh yang diberi : anak kita naik angin (tantrum) dan campak permainan dia sampai pecah.  Kita tak sepatutnya belikan toy yang baru untuk dia sebagai ganti.  Biar dia tahu apa yang dia buat tu salah dan lain kali tak buat macam tu lagi.  Kalau kita give in, dia tahu he can get away with it so dia akan buat lagi.
-Penting kita didik perangai ni dari kecik so that bila besar nanti dia akan menjadi bertanggungjawab atas segala tindak tanduk dia.
-Kalau anak tumpahkan apa-apa biar dia yang clean it up sendiri to the best of his ability...tak payahlah kita yang buatkan atau pun suruh maid lapkan.

5)Time Out - Dealing with anger and negative emotions.
-rasanya semua faham kot teknik ni...suruh anak masuk bilik atau anak duduk kat satu corner kalau buat salah apa-apa.
-Cara ni baik untuk both child and parents to regain control of emotions.

6)Physical punishment.
- Most controversial Tapi kita pun tahu dalam Islam it is not prohibited tapi ada cara dan keadaannya.  Bukan mendera.
-Boleh digunakan bila semua teknik lain di atas gagal.
-Untuk demonstrate the seriousness of his mistake.
-Bila used only on RARE occasions by the parents who are normally kind and in control, it will have a very strong impact on the child.
-Do not hit the face
-Do not hit hard enough to leave a mark on the skin
-Do not spank when you think you might lose control.

famzr

-rasanya semua faham kot teknik ni...suruh anak masuk bilik atau anak duduk kat satu corner kalau buat salah apa-apa.

tang part ni nk mula dr anak yg bape thn eekkk...

KakFie

Originally posted by famzr at 7-8-2007 11:27 AM
-rasanya semua faham kot teknik ni...suruh anak masuk bilik atau anak duduk kat satu corner kalau buat salah apa-apa.

tang part ni nk mula dr anak yg bape thn eekkk...  

2 - 21/2 tahun pun dah ok dah...dia dah paham situasi.    Masa tu la dah start nak bertantrum....memang sesuai sangat.

ButterCup

Kak Fie

puas saya cari buku ni . .kak mana akak beli ek?

i buat masa diorang 2tahun setengah la.......

sorang i letak kat selatan, sorang i letak kat utara

KakFie

Originally posted by ButterCup at 7-8-2007 02:39 PM
Kak Fie

puas saya cari buku ni . .kak mana akak beli ek?

akak beli dah lama dah butter...7 tahun dulu.. Beli online dari astrolabe.com...kalau tak silap akak.  Cuba check www.ummikusayang.com ada jual tak.
Tapi memang bagus betul buku tu..simple tapi padat.