Edited by cassiopeia at 2-3-2016 10:45 AM
(1) Winter - 「안녕, stranger! : A winter confession」 (2) Spring - (3) Summer - (4) Autumn -
(1)「안녕, stranger! : A winter confession」
South Korea. Winter of 2013. Seoul (Metropolitan) Subway Line 1. East-bound.
Hoegi Station –
I saw you. It was rush hour. There were many people around us but somehow I saw you. I don’t know what to do. At that moment I thought of how James Blunt must probably have had the same experience when he wrote that hit song ‘You’re Beautiful’. That kind of feeling; I finally understood how helpless he must have felt.
“I saw your face, in a crowded place.
And I don’t know what to do…”
You were neatly dressed in a dark suit underneath your beige overcoat. You had that nerdy look with your thick, half-frame glasses. You most probably just gotten off-work. Your hairstyle reminds me of Do Min Joon; that alien character from the popular on-going drama “You Who Came from the Star”. You stood tall behind the ajumma who had a hot pink handbag. Her eyes were fixed on her smartphone. On your left; despite being priority seat, a young guy with a spiky, dark brown hair was snoring away like an old man. He did not budge an inch despite a much older ajumma carrying heavy plastic bags full of grocery stuff tried to wake him up. A cute young couple with a pretty kid was glaring at him; clearly disturbed by the way he acted. I looked around. Left. Right. In front. Behind. The people around were all minding their own business. They were all ‘busy’. Books; smartphones; newspapers. All of them! Like that ajumma, their eyes were fixed on those things. Funny but truth is, at that time, our only connection was that inside the moving train, it was only us who had nothing on our hands and were staring outside the window. Except, for a moment, I looked at you …but you did not see me.
Cheongnyangni Station –
Ah, many people got off this station. Judging from their attire and those luggages, most were probably heading for vacations around those snowy winter wonderland cities around Gangwon province. Will it be the Chuncheon? Tourists often flocked to that city especially to re-create their own romantic scenes at the popular Nami Island; made famous by a tear-jerker hit drama, Winter Sonata. But then Seokcho is not so bad too; there is nothing wrong if one wants to hike Mount Seorak despite freezing temperatures. Overnight trip around those cities sounds fun. Ah, I wish I had time and money to have such vacation myself. It sucks to be a university student in a foreign country without any scholarships whatsoever. You just feel so poor that you even think twice whether your money is worth those delightful warm bungeoppang or spicy ddeokbokki. Seeing them on street stalls everywhere made it worse, especially when it snows like crazy and your hands felt frozen. I was lost in my thought for awhile until I saw you were already sitting on that seat previously occupied by the cute couple. Oh, they got off it seemed. Those ajummas managed to get their own seats too. I really was too lost in my thought that I forgot to get a seat for myself. I looked around but just when the train started moving again, I realized I was still standing at the same spot. Once more, I was surrounded by strangers. I looked at you; but you still did not see me.
Jegi Dong Station –
To tell the truth, I don’t know why I had this strange vibe from you. You did not even see me and yet there I was, stealing glances at you. I must have been crazy. Or bored. Or both? You were indeed handsome. But so were the attractive guys standing around us. Heck. In fact, all of the young people aboard this train looked stylish and good-looking. Their amazing winter fashion made me feel like I was surrounded by models or some idol trainees from those famous recording companies. My fashion? I definitely looked like those ajummas with my outdated bright-colored winter jacket that I bought second-hand. I probably wore too many layers too. Pfftt. Maybe that was why you did not notice me. The fact that I was also surrounded by beautiful girls with such delicate skin who still somehow managed to wear sexy skirts in this cold weather made me think that if this was a scene from a movie, I was probably just an ‘extra’ that nobody even want to know about.
SinSeol Dong Station –
It should have been my stop. Yet I did not move at all. Don’t ask me why. At that time, I was perplexed with my own self. Why? Really though. Why? Ah, guess I was just curious where your stop will be. Silly me. I needed to get off the station and go to the nearby Citibank before it gets too dark and too cold. I needed extra money to buy the language textbooks for tomorrow’s class. What the heck was I doing! But I thought, ah, I had time. That’s alright. I can do something foolishly random sometimes. The doors closed and by then, you were busy with your smartphone. I wonder if you had an appointment…like a date? You smiled while typing away something…
Dongmyo Station –
I thought, so what if you already have a girlfriend? Heck, even if you had actually married, so what? Was I doing something immoral? Wait. Did it count as ‘stalking’? Gosh. Am I actually stalking someone now?! Suddenly it made me nervous. I felt so wrong. I could not justify my actions. Yet for randomly weird reasons, I just wanted to see where you were heading to. Was it even wrong to do that?
Dongdaemun Station –
Oh, many people got off this station too. But of course, it’s Dongdaemun we’re talking about. Each time I thought of Dongdaemun, I will only think about its huge wholesale market and shopping malls. You can buy literally everything there. Plus, restaurants lined the streets with their mouth-watering list of dishes. Gosh, seafood! Yes, that famous grilled fish alley! Delicious saengseon gui and spicy ojingeo-bokkeum…if only I had enough money to get such decent meal for dinner. For few seconds, it seemed like I had forgotten all about you. I even managed to get myself a seat. It’s difficult getting one during rush hour but I was lucky. Ask anyone who had been in my situation; they will enthusiastically describe how miraculous it felt to finally able to get a seat! Ha!
Jongno 5(o)-ga Station –
The doors opened and closed. It was harder to steal a glance at you since we both sat quite far by now. Nevertheless, I knew you were still there at your seat. Don’t ask me why. I SIMPLY DON’T KNOW. Then I thought; what if you are heading to Incheon station? THAT IS SO FAR AWAY! I would give up if you really did. But then again, no way, you can’t be though. It’s weird if you actually end up there. Without knowing, I was lost in my thought for God knows how many times again…
Jongno 3(sam)-ga Station –
Another busy station. Come to think of it, I had always disliked having to transfer lines here. I find it a torture to walk that much especially when I forgot which exit I should take; which actually happen quite frequently. Me. Map. Mehhh. There was one time I needed to get to the Express Bus Terminal station. My first time actually. So, I changed to Line 3 and after seemingly endless stops and ridiculously loooonnnggggg walk along empty corridors, I somehow still got lost inside that station. I almost missed my bus! One hell of a transfer at night-time, I would say. Worst if one is traveling solo. A woman on top of that! But of course, it is one of the most crowded subway station in South Korea therefore it is easy to feel lost in the sea of crowd, right?
I thought maybe you would get off this station but …no. You did not. I felt restless. The door closed. I thought; okay, that’s it. Stop this madness already. I should get off the next station and go back to SinSeol Dong station. Yes. I will do that. Why do I love doing stupid things? I then gave up my seat to a random ajusshi who in turn smiled at me; perhaps thanking me for what I did.
Ah, I saw you again. You were still sitting at the same spot. You were staring outside the window again. I wonder what you were thinking. It seemed like you were lost in your thought; just like how I was at times.
Jonggak Station –
Just when I was forcing my way to the doors, I noticed you stood and gave up your seat to someone. Between those seconds when I was stealing glances at you, I was pushed away from the doors and got stuck in between a group of high school students. You know how people say just when you feel like giving up, miracles happen? Just like that. Like a twist of fate, I somehow ended up standing just beside you. For a second, it felt like I was struck by something I don’t even know what. I could not move. I did not want to move. What kind of sorcery was that?
Then another miracle happened. You saw me. You looked at me. For a second, yes, you did. After so many stations, you finally saw me! Call me weird or creepy but the fact that you had seen me made me smile at that time.
City Hall Station –
Ah, yet another station one probably need to avoid having to do transfer. Seriously. It will be a nightmare. Trust me; I was a ‘victim’ myself. I was always keen on doing some stupid, random, unnecessary adventures. That one time I decided to ‘be lost’ in this station, I completely regretted my stupid decision. You know how sometimes you know you are doing pointless things but you still WANT to do it? Next time if you feel so, really, please, save yourself from the horror of it. Pointless things will just be pointless in the end. Or so I think. Wasn’t I was doing something pointless like stalking a stranger for no reasons? /facepalm/
Out of the blue, a teenage girl standing on my right side started speaking in Konglish [korean-english]. Ah, she was on her phone. Was she trying to impress someone? She seemed very serious. It was not my intention to hear what she was talking about but since she was just beside me, it was unavoidable. She probably was mad with her boyfriend. The way she pronounced the words in Konglish made me smile. Okay. Maybe I did laugh in my heart. I hope it was not visible from my smile. Just as I was smiling, I looked at you. And you were looking at me. At that moment I was scared. Maybe you thought I was mocking that girl’s English? I must have looked like a horrible person, right? I don’t know. But you smiled. You smiled too. YOU SMILED WHILE LOOKING DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES. For one second, for that just one second, it felt like the time had stopped. That moment was weird. Bizarre. Unexplainable. One moment that feels like an eternity. Crush? Love? No, at that moment I still do not understand my feelings. Why did Cupid thinks it’s perfectly fine to make such confusion?
“There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you…”
Seoul Station –
So this was it. Finally, it was your stop. You made your way towards the open door. I thought that was the end of it but somehow because of the people pushing each other around us, I tried to help you to move easier by pushing harder the people around us. You saw it and you looked at me. You said, “Thank you”. It must have been just seconds but again it felt like an eternity. That ‘thank you’ and that smile. I feel numb. Should I get off this station too? Would it seem like I was stalking you? What if I could not stop following you? Then what if I end up being lost in this huge station that I really hate to go during rush hour? I still have to go back to my station too. It was getting late and I hate that bitter cold weather at night.
I still saw your beige overcoat from afar just before the door closes. I thought, if I actually say something, would it make any differences? What if I say “안녕 (Hello)” if for whatever reasons I found my courage? But what else could I say afterwards anyway? There was absolutely nothing to talk about. There I was, a plain-looking foreign lady and you…I can’t even find words that perfectly describe you. It was easier to say the word “IMPOSSIBLE” out loud for us. Even if I found my courage, it’s just impossible.
Fate was a bitch that day. It’s like a popular writer for a mystery drama who at first decided to write such wonderful plot and characters but somehow they end the story with such typical, stupid, cliché ending. “This sort of mysterious, open ending is a work of art” so they say. It’s like every student in the world at the start of the semester; with such high hopes and determinations but then in the middle of the semester, they all started saying “Hell f*** those exams!” “Do I look like I really care?” “Why do people study these things anyway?”
But real life is so, sadly. Real life consists of countless pieces of an enormous, complicated puzzle that I think if we were able to connect those pieces precisely in the end; the whole image will still baffles us. Like how fate did not bother to explain anything in the end. Just accept that fate. Just like that. And just like that, for whatever damn reasons, I lost you. Slowly, your image fades away in that crowd. That was the last time I saw you. That was probably the last time I will EVER see you.
I was still inside that train. It started moving again. It was snowing again outside. I felt…nothing. There were many “WHAT IF’S” as well as “IF ONLY’S”. I think I had a bitter smile as I remembered how James Blunt’s ended his ‘story’. James Blunt and I somehow knew it all along. That ever heartbreaking truth. It was my turn to face my truth. Just like the train was moving, my life and your life will still move on, I know. The only difference was that I had to acknowledge the truth that we both were not heading to the same direction in our lives. But I should still smile; at least I met you. At least at one point in my lifetime I met you. Those seconds in our lives that we ‘spent together’ was beautiful. I would never know what you thought of me but then again, our encounter was like previously unsolved pieces of puzzle that finally came together. Maybe it already served its purposes. Fate too decided to just go ahead and think “Oh, let’s move on to other pieces of puzzle now shall we?”
Well, no matter what, it is all in the past now. Yes, just like James Blunt, I now had to face the sad truth. You and me; impossible.
When I think about it now, I do think I like you. I guess so. But then again, there is nothing I can do now...
“...it’s time to face the truth,
I will never be with you…”
안녕 (Goodbye) , stranger!
- THE END -
*ajumma / ajusshi - makcik pakcik
*안녕 boleh guna both Hello & Goodbye tapi informal la. I ada satu lagi story tema autumn. nanti esok lusa i post..tema ikut seasons.
and btw, before ada org tanya cerita ini based on real life experience ke tak.. yes it is ..hahaahahha pfftt..
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Post time 22-2-2016 11:56 PM
变色卡
Author
sadis nya ..hahaha
