- LaWaK HiLaNG CeMuiH -

eis_82

Petua yg memang mujarab!

1. Petua Cepat DiPinang - Banyakkan Meminum Air Pinang

2.Menegangkan Kulit Muka - Stepler Tempat² Yg Kendur Tue..

3.Menghilangkan Bau Badan - Berendam Dalam Minyak Wangi

4.Melembutkan Rambut - Rendam Kepala Dalam Air Menggelegak...

5.Melebatkan Rambut - Cari Baja Rambut...

6.Menghilangkan Ketuat - Potong Dgn Pisau Cukur Cap Buaya... .

7.Mengempiskan Perut - Jgn Makan & Jgn Minum...

8.Mengekalkan Kecantikan - Kekalkan Mekap, Jgn Basuh2...

9.Menyegarkan Mate - Tuang Eye Mo...

10.Mengelak Rambut Gugur - Lumur Dengan Gam Gajah...

11.Mengatasi Tumit Pecah - Jalan Berjengket-Jengket

13.Menghaluskan Kulit Muke - Gosok Dgn Kertas Pasir

14.Menaikkan Seri Muke - Makan Kuih Seri Muka Sambil Naik Tangge..

15.Menghilangkan Bau Mulut - Minum Minyak Wangi

16.Menghilangkan Lebam Di Mate - Elakkan Dari Kene Penumbok..

eis_82

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you  about
what had
happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I  don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There  is no future in  it.
.....................................................................
.........................


Teacher:   Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how
much
would  your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know  maths.
Ted: You don't know my  father!
.....................................................................
........................


Mother:  David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint  me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my  report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong  Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding
you  now.
.....................................................................
........................


Father:   Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said  3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on  Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I  know the right  answer?
.....................................................................
............................


A  mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter
were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking
plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to  look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you  know?
Daughter: She didn't say  anything.
.....................................................................
................


Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for  me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

--------------------------------------------------

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can  that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was  born

--------------------------------------------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's  leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu  card.

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same  as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the  same  dog!

--------------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: "Singapore,  Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me,  Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A  teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference
between  'unlawful'

and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer,  Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law  doesn't allow
and 'illegal' is
a sick  eagle."

---------------------------------------------------
Teacher:  "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb,  Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair,  Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A boy  came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked  his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u  mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C'  level"

Kota

Originally posted by eis_82 at 22-6-2006 04:34 PM
Petua yg memang mujarab!

1. Petua Cepat DiPinang - Banyakkan Meminum Air Pinang

2.Menegangkan Kulit Muka - Stepler Tempat? Yg Kendur Tue..

3.Menghilangkan Bau Badan - Berendam Dalam ...

Memang mujarab ponnnnn

P

7276

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Hello, could you
give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is
expecting something from me!" The pharmacist gives him the condom; and as
the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another
condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses
her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects
something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the
boy is leaving he turns back and says "After all, give me one more condom
because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she
always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is
expecting something from me!!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the
sister on his right and the mom facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy
lowers his head and starts
praying: "Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us..
!!!" A minute later the boy is still praying: "Thank you Lord for your
kindness..." Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his
head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than
the others.
She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear: "I didn't know you were
so religious!!!" The boy replies :"I didn't know your dad was a
pharmacist!!!"

Kota

Originally posted by 7276 at 26-6-2006 04:34 PM
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Hello, could you
give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is
expecting something from me!" The phar ...

kuang kuang kuang

kantoiiiiii :bgrin::bgrin:lol

eis_82

kalau dah ader sowie....
kami malas nak check hat blakang2...
jangkit penyakit malas kak lahai.... :love:

An innovative delivery method, the Chinese way...forget about DHL, UPS or
even FedEx !!!


A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when the coffin
of their dead grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the
daughters. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no
space left in it! When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top,
which read as follows:

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ahma's body to you since it was her wish that she should be
cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could
not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ahma's body, 12 cans of Yohmeitsu,
10 packets of Swiss chocolates and a few packets of Chinatown Lap Cheong.
Please divide these among all of you.

On Ahma's feet you will find a new pair of Nike Air shoes (size 10) for Ah
Boy. Also, there are 2 pairs of shoes for Ah Mei's and Ah Lien's sons. Hope
the sizes are correct. Ahma is wearing 6 CK T-Shirts.  The large size is for
Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute them among
yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ahma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex
watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ahma's left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ahma is wearing the Tiffany necklace, earrings and
ring that you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ahma is wearing must be divided among
my teenage cousins. Let me know what else you need as Ah Kong is also not
keeping well nowadays. I can send all required things when our Ah Kong goes
back too............

ebok

Originally posted by 7276 at 26-6-2006 04:34 PM
A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Hello, could you
give me a condom. My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is
expecting something from me!" The phar ...

mampoihhh!

ebok

Originally posted by eis_82 at 27-6-2006 10:24 AM
kalau dah ader sowie....
kami malas nak check hat blakang2...
jangkit penyakit malas kak lahai.... :love:

An innovative delivery method, the Chinese way...forget about DHL, UPS or
even FedEx  ...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

7276

Kalendar Kahwin

[ Last edited by  7276 at 27-6-2006 12:14 PM ]

Kota

Habsah menghadiri sebuah Parti Harijadi yang terdiri dari orang2 terkenal
disebuah Hotel. Ketika hendak hendak pulang... dia dihampiri oleh penjaga tempat
parking...

"Mari, cik adik... boleh saya teman kan ke kereta.."
Habsah hairan macamana penjaga parking mengenalinya... apabila hampir ke
keretanya.. penjaga parking berkata..
"Itu kereta cik adik..." sambil menunjuk kearah kereta Habsah...

Kini Habsah semakin hairan macammana penjaga parking itu dapat pula
mengenali keretanya... sedangkan disitu terdapat ramai orang2 terkenal serta beratus2 buah kereta mewah....

Dalam hati Habsah berkata..
"Ini pertama kali aku datang ke hotel ini... tetapi penjaga parking ini kenal aku dan keretaku.
mungkin kerana penampilan dan wajahku... Mungkin wajahku mirip dgn mana-mana orang terkenal di sini?"
Untuk memastikan dugaannya betul atau tidak.. Habsah memutuskan untuk bertanya kepada penjaga Parking itu.

"Bang.. macamana abang boleh mengenal saya dan kereta saya. Padahal ada
ratusan tetamu dan ratusan kereta yg di parking di sini ...?"
"Oh, itu senang saje.. Cik adik ni adalah satu-satunya tetamu yang bukan orang terkenal di parti ini!"

Kota

Suatu hari di Fakulti Sains sebuah Universiti Tempatan..
sedang berlangsung ujian berkaitan serangga..

Ujian kali ini susah susah... Mahasiswa mesti mampu
menentukan
jenis dan nama serangga dari potongan-potongan kaki yang diberikan oleh
Pensyarah...

Dua jam sudah berlalu. Tidak ada seorangpun pun yang boleh menjawab
soalan ujian.
Seorang mahasiswa yang amat kecewa.. memutuskan untuk keluar
dewan Ujian... dia menghempas daun pintu dengan kuat... "Dummmm!!!!"

Melihat keadaan itu... pensyarah didalam dewan marah dengan
berkata..

"Hey! suka hati mak bapak hang je hempas pintu tu ye?! Siapa nama
kau???!!!"

Mahasiswa yang sudah terlanjur berada di luar segera menjulurkan kakinya
ke pintu sambil berkata...

"Nie kaki saya... encik... Cuba encik teka.. siapa nama saya?"

Kota

Suatu hari Pihak Majlis Agama Islam telah melakukan operasi dikawasan
pelacuran...

Petugas : "Engkau akan saya bawa ke Pejabat Majlis Agama Islam!"


Pelacur : "Tak kisah kemana pun.. janji bayarannya ok..!"

:lol :lol

7276

Pelik Tapi Benar

1. Kondominium tidak ada kena mengena dengan kondom. Tetapi di kondominium kita boleh dapat banyak kondom terpakai.

2. Aurat dan urat adalah dua benda yang berbeza. Namun begitu, apabila melihat perempuan yang mendedahkan aurat, urat lelaki akan krem di sesetengah kawasan.

3. Kuih tat enak di makan. Tapi apabila kita makan lapan keping kuih tat, kita mungikin dituduh mencarut. Kalau tak percaya, cuba kira satu tat, dua tat, tiga tat, sampai lapan.

4. Laksamana adalah jawatan besar di dalam kesultanan Melayu Melaka. "Laksa kedah" pula adalah contoh jawapan kalau orang tanya kita "laksa mana ni?"

5. Barbeque adalah makanan yang enak. Namun begitu 'babi queue' haram dimakan oleh orang Islam.

6. Sesetangah orang memanggil cili sebagai cabai. Tapi kalau mulut nak kena cabai, cuba la cakap cipan kat depan orang tua-tua.

7. Membuat tahu sumbat sungguh meletihkan. Lebih letih lagi kalau orang lain hanya tahu nak sumbat je tahu sumbat dalam mulut.

8. Si Bosia dan Bojan dipandang hina oleh masyarakat. Namun begitu si Boroi yang makan duit rakyat mendapat sanjungan.

9. Allahyarham P.Ramlee tak pernah dapat Lesen P sebab baru diperkenalkan. Penyanyi pop yeh yeh L.Ramli mungkin pernah dapat lesel L. Tapi Allahyarham A.Ramlie tak pernah dapat lesen A sebab tak ada.

10. Ramai orang lelaki takut kalau-kalau mati pucuk. Tapi tak takut kalau-kalau mati esok. (Mesej berunsur dakwah. Sila duduk tahiyyat akhir)

7276

Pendidikan Seks Berkesan

Seorang ayah yang sangat berhati2 apabila menceritakan perihal pendidikan
seks didatangi oleh anak lelakinya. Kemudian dengan selambanya anak yang
genius lahir di zaman teknologi maklumat itu bertanya kepadanya...

"Ayah, macamana saya boleh lahir kat dunia ni?"

memandangkan topik yang dibawa boleh menjerumus ke arah cerita2 berbaur
sx, lalu si ayah cuba menerangkannya menggunakan istilah i.t. dengan harapan
si anak itu memahami dengan lebih jelas dan tepat...

"Hmm...Nak, macam ni ceritanya...

pada suatu hari tu Mak dan Ayah berkenalan secara tak sengaja di dalam chatroom di Yahoo!.
Kemudian ayah tentukan janjitemu 1 kami via e-mail. Lepas tu kami pun dating di Cyber Cafe..
Ayah ajak mak kamu dalam Private Room dan kami bersetuju untuk File Sharing dan mengUpload
data daripada Hard Drive ayah ker Tablet mak kamu. Masa kami tengah syok dok upload tu
barulah kami terperasan yang Mak ngan Ayah ni tak pasang satupun Firewall. Masa peristiwa tu
berlaku ayah pulak boleh lupa nak tekan Button Delete jadi ayah suruh mak kamu jumpa Dr Norton
atau sekurang- kurangnya suh Mak kamu telan PCSilin...

tapi mak kamu memang degil dan akibatnya sembilan bulan
kemudian kami dapat Pop-Up Window kat pc kami bertulis : You Have Got 1 Mail ! (I mean Male !)

Moral of the story : Jangan telan Pil Perancang jenama PCSilin....

hehehehe

eis_82

Dear Husband..
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for
good.. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have
nothing to show for it..
These last two weeks have been hell.. Your boss called to tell me
that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw..
Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my
hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a
brand new negligee.. You came home and ate in two minutes, and
went straight to sleep after watching the game..
You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or
anything.. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore,
what ever the case is, I'm gone..

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't.. Your BROTHER and I are
moving away to West Virginia together.. Have a great life..


Yours,
Your Ex-Wife









Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.. It's
true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a
good woman is a far cry from what you've been.. I watch sports so
much to try to drown out your constant nagging.. Too bad that
doesn't work.. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last
week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a
man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice.. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have
gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork
seven years ago.. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new
negligee because the price tag was still on it.. I prayed that it
was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars
from me that morning and
your negligee was $49.99!
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work
it out.. So, when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten
million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason I guess.. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted.. My lawyer said with your letter
that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So, take care..



P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla.. I hope that's not a problem..

Signed
Rich As Hell and Free

eis_82

MEMO KEPADA SEMUA STAFF

Staff Sekalian,

Perhatian kepada semua staff. Berkuatkuasa pada tahun 2006, syarikat ini akan menguatkuasakan peraturan baru kepada semua staff. Perkara yang digubal adalah seperti berikut:-

a. PENGANGKUTAN.

Sekiranya anda memandu kereta import, kereta mewah atau kereta Honda contohnya, kami menganggap anda sudah terlalu mewah, jadi tiada kenaikan gaji.

Sekiranya anda memandu kereta yang telah uzur, lebih dari 10 tahun atau menggunakan pengangkutan awam, kami mengandaikan anda mempunyai banyak simpanan, jadi tiada kenaikan gaji.

Sekiranya anda memandu kerata nasional samaada proton atau perodua, kami mengandaikan anda telah berada di level yang sepatutnya, jadi tiada kenaikan gaji.

b. CUTI TAHUNAN.

Setiap orang akan mendapat cuti 104 hari dalam setahun dan kebanyakannya ialah hari sabtu dan ahad.

c. WAKTU LUNCH:

1) Staff yang kurus akan diberi rehat selama 30 minit. Ini kerana mereka perlu makan lebih untuk kesihatan.

2) Untuk saiz normal, mereka akan diberi rehat selama 15 minit. Ini kerana mereka sedang elok dan cuma perlu mengambil makanan secara stabil.

3) Untuk mereka yang gemuk, mereka akan diberi rehat selama 5 minit sahaja. Ini kerana mereka cuma perlu makan pil dan susu atau teh untuk menguruskan badan.

di. CUTI SAKIT:

Mulai 2006 kami tidak lagi mengiktiraf sijil sakit dari Doktor ini kerana sekiranya anda mampu pergi ke Klinik untuk dapatkan MC, anda tentu boleh pergi kerja juga.

e. PENGGUNAAN TANDAS:

Kami mendapat aduan ramai staff yang mengambil masa terlalu lama di dalam tandas. Mulai tahun 2006 setiap seorang hanya boleh menggunakan tandas selama 5 minit sahaja. Sekiranya lebih dari 5 minit secara automatiknya tandas akan di pam, tisu akan stuck, pintu akan terbuka dan kemera akan menyala.

Sekiranya lebih dari 2 kali gambar anda dirakam, kami akan menampal gambar anda di notis board di bawah korum 'staff sembelit'.

f. PEMBEDAHAN:

Selagi anda menjadi staff di sini, kami tidak membenarkan anda melakukan sebarang pembedahan. Jangan cuba mengeluarkan apa-apa saja organ dari dalam badan anda kerana kami mengambil anda bekerja kerana anda mempunyai organ yang cukup. Sekiranya tidak, ini bermakna anda telah melanggar kontrak.

pergi. PENGGUNAAN INTERNET

Segala penggunaan internet atas urusan peribadi seperti membaca e-mail, chatting dan games akan dikenakan bayaran RM2.00 sejam (sama seperti harga pasaran). Bayaran ini akan ditolak dari gaji anda.

Sebagai permulaan, 73% staff di sini tidak akan mendapat gaji selama 3 bulan, ini kerana harga penggunaan internet sahaja telah melebihi 3 bulan gaji mereka.

Terima kasih kerana masih setia berkhidmat di syarikat ini. Kami akan cuba memberikan perkhidmatan yang terbaik. Sebarang pertanyaan, komen, aduan, kekecewaan, sakit hati, bantahan, maki hamun, caci nista boleh disalurkan ke tempat lain.

Sekian, terima kasih.

Bahagian Teknologi Maklumat
Kementerian Sumber Manusia

eis_82

Under The Table

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

eis_82

kalau ader mana2 lawak hat kami post dah penah being posted before, kira halai la...
malas nak check hat blakang2...

7276

Laughter is a good medicine!!

Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbour, then it is sociology.

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady : Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?!!!!!!!!!!!!
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. Your tail is in front".

ebok

Originally posted by eis_82 at 2-7-2006 06:01 PM
kalau ader mana2 lawak hat kami post dah penah being posted before, kira halai la...
malas nak check hat blakang2...

halai ja eis
eehh hang kemsalam kat kak rose naaa??? :love: