Childwise (pelbagai artikel)

Syd

Resolving conflicts
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Children need to learn how to work out their conflicts without fighting or hurting others.

MANY parents think that discipline is about physical punishments and scolding their children. Children learn from their parents. If force is used to end a conflict, then they will learn that it is all right to hit, shout and threaten when you are angry.

We teach our children to share and help one another. Parents can make a difference because children learn by observing them in action rather than receiving verbal lessons on doing good. Little gestures such as being courteous on the road or giving up your seat in the LRT and bus for someone in need can go a long way.

Peaceful conflict resolution means solving problems without violence. Children need to learn how to work out their conflicts without fighting or hurting. They can learn to negotiate or offer exchanges to solve problems.

Let us look at a common scenario at home where children learn that might is right: A four-year-old hits his younger brother and snatches his toy away. The mother rushes over and whacks the older boy on the behind.

She snatches the toy back and gives it to the younger child. Both children end up in tears.

These children learn that if you are older and stronger, you could pick on a younger and weaker person.

The older child will eventually find ways of bullying his younger sibling without getting caught by his parents. The younger one will harbour ideas that when he is older and bigger, he will fight his older brother. Violence breeds violence.

Many adults worry that if children are not punished for their misbehaviour, they may become spoilt or ill-disciplined.

On the contrary, children who are often punished and yelled at tend to be more badly behaved than those whose parents take the time to offer positive guidance.

There is no short-cut in getting children to be self-disciplined and understand the ways of the adults. It takes a lot of discipline on the parents’ part to set children on the right path from the very start. Understanding children and what they can do helps parents to guide their children accordingly.

For example, children under three years will cry and behave badly when they are tired and hungry. They are not being naughty when they kick and scream.

Hitting a child because he has done wrong teaches him very little about what is right. Children can learn from the consequences of their actions. Parents can get children to rectify their mistakes by doing what is right. For example, when they spill liquids on the floor, they can learn to wipe it up. If they hurt someone, they need to learn ways to make the person feel better after they have apologised.

Even very young children are capable of doing what is right. Recently, I was invited to observe an integrated preschool class of children with hearing impairment. The hearing children used both sign language and spoken language to communicate. I was intrigued by the way the children were helping one another to learn.

One four-year-old girl with hearing impairment sat next to a three-year-old boy who has just joined the programme. Both children took out their individual trays to do their work. The older girl was adept and finished her work quickly, while the boy was struggling with his chosen activity.

Instead of walking away after she was done, she returned to the table after she had put away her tray. She then sat down next to the three-year-old and happily demonstrated the way to put the objects together.

Children choose to work and play peacefully when there is little adult interference. They can handle conflicts with minimal fussing and fighting. The little girl in the class behaved like she was one of the teachers. She has seen her teachers demonstrating and helping the children to learn. She was just copying what she saw.

Children learn to be good when they are treated with kindness and respect. Often times, when a child is disciplined, he is not given the freedom to make his own choice. Instead he does what the adult wants him to do. This child will have little opportunity to develop self-discipline.

Children who are given choices, will learn to be part of the decision-making. When they get older, they will know how to be accountable for what they do.

If we want our children to exercise self-control, we must act as their role-models and encourage them to behave positively. Humiliation and punishment will only worsen the situation and make it harder for them to learn. It pays in the long run for parents who are willing to take the time and effort to explain things to their children instead of using force.

Syd

Wednesday April 1, 2009
Fun and educational
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

Simple activities can provide rich learning opportunities for children.

BUSY parents often find they have little time for their children. The less time they have, the more structured learning classes they enrol their children in. They hope their children will not miss out on different learning opportunities.

The truth is, children tend to do better when they engage in spontaneous activities. With the right kind of attention, they can soar in their learning potential. Children are full of energy and look forward to messy outdoor play. They learn through active participation.

Children in their early years have short attention spans. With a little planning and encouragement, parents can provide stimulating activities that meet their children’s needs.

Children gain much from pretend play. Around the ages of three and four, they like to play masak-masak, pretending to serve tea,just like adults.

As they grow older, they act out the role of their superheroes and travel on make-believe journeys. Here are some ideas for fun activities that provide learning opportunites for your children.

Making music

Make your own musical instruments with empty biscuit tins and small objects such as dried beans, marbles, plastic beads, sand, paper clips, gravel, buttons and cotton balls.

Before you start, show your child the objects inside each tin. Put the lids on and move the tins around. Have the child shake the tins. Ask the child to match the materials with the sound, and make up a song to go with his new musical instruments. Record your child’s musical show with a handycam. This is a great exercise for creating lasting memories.

Smell trails

Children’s imaginations are stimulated by sensorial experiences. Go for a nature walk in the park or in your neighbourhood. When you get home, sit down with your child and draw a chart of the different smells he came across.

Fun with food

Get different types of fruits and vegetables. Make dips from the following: Melted chocolate, yoghurt, honey, tomato sauce, cinnamon sugar, mustard sauce, mayonnaise, desiccated /fresh grated coconut, sugar and chopped nuts. Place dips in different bowls. Cut the fruits into small pieces and place them in skewer sticks. Get your child to mix and match the fruits and dips.

Story bag

Make a small cloth pouch and put in various objects such as unused keys, large coloured buttons, large beans, popsicle sticks and pegs.

Children like making up new stories to act in. If you are waiting at the doctor’s clinic, your child can pick out one item from the pouch and make up a story with it. Be your child’s idea-sparkler if she does not know how to start.

When you are home during a rainy day, go on a treasure hunt for small items that can be stored in the pouch. It is wonderful when your child can make up stories along the way.

Wheels on the bus

One of the favourite songs I like to sing with children everywhere is Wheels on the bus. This is one song that sparks children’s imaginations and opens up a whole world of possibilities.

Gather a few children (or it can just be mother and child) and pretend you are sitting in a bus. Move your hands in a circular fashion like wheels turning round and round.

You can substitute the wheels with the wipers or the bells. Children will have great fun just singing and pretending.

Nature jewellery

Go for a walk in the park or along the beach. Collect twigs, seeds, dried leaves, barks and dried flowers. Get some strings (yarn or parcel string) and seashells. Tell your child to make herself some jewellery.

She can use her imagination and skills such as eye-hand coordination, patterning and sequencing. If she has made several pieces, she can “sell” them in her pretend play shop. Don’t forget to get some play money.

As children play, they develop problem-solving skills and skills for negotiating and sharing. They build up social skills and mathematical and language abilities in their play explorations.

So it is not surprising to know that highly creative and successful people are playful.

Syd

Wednesday April 8, 2009
Positive guidance
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Parents who take charge of their children抯 education often raise successful individuals with high morals.

COMPARED to the ones I taught six years ago, children today have less interest in reading books,

Syd

Bring on the funnies
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

A healthy dose of humour can relieve stress.

THE next time you feel like shouting or screaming at your child, try telling a joke instead. Many parents have learned that sharing a joke or laughing with their children can ease any difficult situation at home.

Humour is one of the best tools that parents can use in getting children to cooperate and learn. Children feel pressured when parents use angry words. They clam up and refuse to heed their parent抯 advice when they are scolded. They go into defence mode before you can even complete the first sentence.

When both parent and child are in a jovial mood, they tend to open up to each other. It is easier to get your child to pick up his toys after playing, when you sing out your request in a funny song. Or if you share your story of how you got out of an embarrassing situation in school, your daughter may be more willing to share her version.

Parenting expert Jane Nelsen who wrote many books, including Positive Discipline and co-authored Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-Indulgent World, said humour can help parents instil the right kind of discipline. Using humour, parents and children can work together positively in a negative situation.

Say you want your son to finish up his dinner without fussing. Instead of scolding him for the umpteenth time, you can say to him: 揕ook! Your porridge has just turned into an gigantic super monster. How about eating him up?

Syd

A matter of faith
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

It is important to show respect and tolerance when explaining the concept of religion to children.

MY husband and I are freethinkers. How do we explain the concept of religion to our four-year-old daughter? We think that she is too young to understand the concept of religion and how different people worship in different ways.

We are also concerned that if she is exposed to a certain religion or belief too early, she may not be able to choose for herself when she is older.

We think it is best that we only introduce religion to her when she is older and able to decide for herself.

Please advise us in this area, as we feel the urgency to resolve this dilemma.

Syd

The right response
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Get your facts right when talking to children about the birds and the bees.

I HAVE two boys aged eight-and-a-half, and 12 years old. My youngest boy is already asking me how babies are made. He asked me whether the doctor prescribes medication to a couple when they get married and decide to have a baby.

I need your advice on how to explain to tell him about conception. How much should I reveal to him, and what is suitable for his age?

My eldest son has been reading the newspapers, and asking me what is rape and incest, which he read about.

Syd

Badly-behaved schoolboy
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

I HAVE an eight-year-old boy and a five-year-old girl. My boy is very active. He cannot seem to sit quietly or stand still. I get complaints from his teacher and the school bus driver who tell me that he likes to disturb his friends wherever he goes.

He would walk pass his friends in the classroom and pinch them along the way.

During the bus ride, he would kick and disturb his friends.

I have warned him many times. I had no choice but to punish and spank him.

Sadly, everything I have done so far has not worked.

He cannot seem to pay attention in class. He is very playful in school and at home.

I have to check on his homework all the time. If I fail to check on him, he will lie to me that he has no homework or that he has done his homework in school.

I lose my patience with him. I cannot help but shout at him and hit him.

I feel guilty when I use force on him to manage his bad behaviour. I have to carry a cane with me whenever I want him to listen to me and do his homework.

Please advise me on how to deal with my son.

Syd

Letting go
Childwise
By RUTH LIEW

EVER thought of letting your child take charge for a change? Well, many parents would never do such a thing. But children have been taking things in their stride since birth. Parents must try not to do things for their children when they are capable of learning to do so themselves.

I remember my six-month-old daughter grabbing the spoon from my hand and putting it in her mouth. Since then, she would not relent when it comes to feeding herself. She ate every morsel that did not fall off the spoon and savoured her success in feeding herself.

Even at a very young age, our children can show us that they want to do things for themselves. We often interrupt their attempts to avoid clearing up any mess or to save time. When it comes to making certain decisions, we feel our children are too young to know any better. We discourage them from taking control of their own lives.

Years ago, I used to teach a kindergarten class of five-year-olds. There was one little boy in the class who approached every new challenge with the words: 揑 can抰 do it.

Syd

Shy boy
CHILDWISE By RUTH LIEW

Children can be painfully shy when among strangers, but there are ways to draw them out.

MY son will be turning four in July. He has been attending preschool since the age of three. Every morning he kicks up a fuss, giving all kinds of excuses not to go to school.

However, once he reaches school, there are no more tears and he is able to participate in the activities. Due to unavoidable reasons, I had to move him to another school and he has been there for a month.

The problem is that he does not want to talk in school or when he is with strangers.

In his old school, the teachers had a tough time trying to get him to speak up. They had to ask repeatedly before they could get him to open up. He would participate in activities such as drawing and colouring, but when it came to singing or talking, he would clam up.

As a baby, my son had terrible stranger anxiety, so much so that we could not visit our friends or relatives as he would cry non-stop.

As he grew older, he stopped crying but would refuse to look at anyone. If someone should talk to him or touch him, he would start crying.

After going to preschool, his social skills improved a little. He would play with children his age but refused to talk to them. When we went to relatives

Syd

Grandparents - the "other" parents to a child
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

RENOWNED anthropologist Margaret Mead once said: “Everyone needs to have access to both grandparents and grandchildren in order to be a full human being.”

Indeed, grandparents provide a link to a child’s family history. They are the other “parents” in a child’s life, and they have a different set of rules and way of doing things. They can be very helpful to new parents, providing a welcome source of support and advice.

In some families, having grandparents around can stir up conflict between parents and children. Their interfering and attempts to dominate the parenting scene in the family can be tough for all. Children get confused as to who is in charge.

Then again, grandparents can provide a respite for children and their parents when there is a crisis in the family.


Sharing and caring: Grandparents provide a welcome source of support and reliable childcare. - AFP

Most grandchildren find it easier to talk to their grandparents than to their own parents. This is probably because the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren is not as intense and demanding as the child-parent relationship.

For many Malaysian families, grandparents are the most reliable and least expensive childcare providers.

My grandmother used to look after my siblings and I, while both my parents worked.

She was a source of strength and comfort as we faced the challenges in our daily lives.

Caring for the grandchildren can be positive and beneficial for both parties. Grandparents can offer their experience and knowledge. They can provide stability, understanding and a healthy role model for their grandchildren.

While some may be physically unable to take care of young children, they can participate in simple activities such as reading aloud to their grandchildren, engaging in sing-alongs and playing board games.

Both my children understood the hierarchy in our family from an early age. They knew grandparents were the “higher authorities” and they could turn to them when they cannot convince their parents to give in to their requests.

At four years of age, my younger daughter would say to my mother: “You must speak to your daughter (referring to me).” My parents were her spokespersons.

When family problems occur, grandparents are most likely the rescuers for both parents and children.

Grandparents are among the strongest advocates when it comes to fighting for causes involving children’s rights and children with disabilities.

At their best, grandparents can offer a wealth of parenting wisdom. Since they have already raised their own children, their successes and failures can help new parents to understand their children better.

However, on the down side, grandparents and parents often hit out at each other when their views clash on anything from weaning to toilet-training and discipline.

Sometimes parents feel jealous of the relationship their children have with their grandparents.

Many mothers have lamented that their children seem to treat their grandparents with more respect and affection. They say their children are closer to their grandparents than they are to them.

There are also cases of adults secretly yearning for such closeness with their parents, which they never enjoyed when they were children.

When there are inter-generational conflicts, parents tend to react like children. They get angry with their aged parents for not respecting them as grown-ups capable of making important decisions in their own family.

When grandparents chose to side their grandchildren, parents with unresolved bitterness towards their own parents may lash out at them. They do not want them to interfere in their lives.

Grandparents who want the best for their grandchildren should regard their children as capable parents.

Many daughters-in-law will beam with pride when their mothers-in-law encourage them by saying, “You are a wonderful mother. Your children are doing well because of your hard work and dedication.” Such words can make a whole lot of difference. Parents need the occasional pat on the back to know they are on the right track.

Both parents and grandparents need to learn to be tactful with each other when they have opposing views.

Talk it over calmly or share ideas without being critical of one another. Be supportive of each other.

Grandparents need to stay out of parent-child conflicts and try to be as accepting of their adult children as they are of their grandchildren.

Unless there is a dire need to rescue the young child from a stressed out and abusive parent, grandparents should refrain from defending their grandchildren and opposing their adult children.

To avoid any misunderstanding, parents can share their parenting ideas with the grandparents.

Children fare better when the significant adults in their lives are in agreement.

Grandparents often love their grandchildren unconditionally. They can play a crucial role in homes where both parents are working and leading stressful lives.

Parents can succeed if they work things out with grandparents.

To the children, their grandparents are vital to their developing years. They help their grandchildren discover their past and look forward to creating their future. They are a treasure throve of childhood memories.

Growing up with grandparents enables your children to embrace a legacy.

Syd

Spare the cane
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

There are ways to discipline without using the cane.

A SIX-year-old boy told me that his mother used to cane him when he was naughty. His mother is a single parent with a physical disability. He was a very bright boy with a friendly disposition.

Upon hearing his plight, I told him: “You can stay away from your mother when she brings out the cane. Apologise to her and then keep away.”

He replied: “I know my mother is very angry with me. I think she feels better if I let her hit me.” Upon hearing those words, my heart went out to him.

Later, I had a long discussion with his mother. She eventually understood that she did not have to use the cane. We discussed the use of other alternatives to discipline children. She also needed someone to listen to her parenting woes. I realised she was trying her best to raise him well.

Many parents like this single parent need support in understanding their children. Parents fear that they are spoiling their children if they are not tough with them.

One mother declared that children would only stop misbehaving when they had experienced the cane. To her, children would never learn if they were not punished for their misdeeds. This is only a short-term solution.

Between the ages of two and six, children learn through their senses and through physical activities. They imitate adult behaviour but they are limited by their lack of experience and maturity. They will make mistakes before they get it right. They get frustrated easily because they want to do everything at the same time. Knowing this, adults should have reasonable expectations of them.

The magic to making it good with children at this age is to understand their developmental needs. Children do not automatically know what is right or wrong. They need parents to lovingly guide them with words of encouragement. Parents need to make an effort to take up their responsbility to teach and not to punish.

If parents look for faults in children, this can lead to more behavioural problems. Children need to be accepted for their strengths and weaknesses. They will be more willing to work harder when they feel loved and secure.

Take a step back and let children learn to control their behaviour as much as possible. When we correct our children all the time, we do not trust them to learn to do the right things for themselves. Many parents see discipline as an opportunity to release tension or take revenge. Children are often confused by their parents’ actions.

It is hard for the child to feel loved when he is spanked and yelled at. Parents who act harshly usually end up feeling estranged from their children because they feel guilty and ashamed.

A parent may tell his child: “I punish you because I love you. It is for your own good.” If this came from the mouth of an abusive spouse, we would condemn it without hesitation, calling it spousal abuse.

When parents teach children with love, they tend to use the right words and actions. This is more likely to last and the parent-child bond is stronger. In many families, children learn quickly how to avoid punishment, but they do not really know the right thing to do.

Parents would threaten their children for misbehaving by saying: “Don’t let me catch you doing this again or I will give you a good one.” This approach only makes the child stay away from his parents so that he does not get punished.

An angry parent can choose to move away so that she can calm down before facing the child. This way, the parent will not lose face; instead she will be setting a positive example. It is always helpful to think before acting. Parents can impress on their children their positive values when they choose to use non-punitive ways. More is gained when there is less hurting in children’s lives.

Syd

Adjusting to preschool
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Children need time and understanding from parents to get used to the idea of attending preschool.

SOME children have difficulty adjusting to preschool in the early days. They find it hard to cope with new friends, a larger group of children, new teachers, new routines and being away from home.

They would cry and protest every morning before starting school. This does not mean they cannot adjust to school. They just need some time and understanding from parents and teachers until they get used to the idea of attending preschool.


Learning to cope: Parents must be ready to talk things out when the child finds it hard to adjust to preschool.

Anne Subashini, an early childhood educator who works with special needs preschool-age children, recommends that parents make visits to the school several times before their children begin their enrolment. An adult that the child trusts should accompany him or her to preschool during orientation time, until he or she is ready to join the group independently.

She added that parents of special needs children must be aware of what is required by the preschool and how their children will adjust and learn. This means before enrolling children in preschool, parents must find out what the programme offers and whether the teachers are trained to meet the needs of their children.

Parents play an important role in making the transition from home to school successful, especially for the special needs child. Anne suggested that parents provide information on the child’s capabilities, strengths and weaknesses. Given the insight, teachers can plan the child’s day at preschool in a way that is most suitable for him.

Parents and teachers must open the channels of communication. Be ready to talk things out when the child is finding it hard to adjust. Sometimes, children find the full session too tiring. A good programme allows flexibility in the schedule for a child who is just beginning to make a transition from home to school. The new child can begin in the middle of the morning instead of going in when school begins.

Many parents find their children’s behaviour worsens when they come home from preschool. This is because some young children tend to save up their overwhelming emotions while in school but fall apart once they get home. I remember how my daughter used to scream and shout once she got home during her preschool days. But her teacher used to comment that she was well-behaved and displayed self-control in class.

When this happens, parents must inform the preschool teacher of such behaviour at home. A trained and experienced preschool teacher understands children who need the extra bit of attention as well as the additional dose of patience. Parents must feel comfortable to share their knowledge about their child to the preschool teacher.

Teachers can also share their observations of children with their parents. The suggestions given by teachers often fall on deaf ears when parents refuse to co-operate. For example, the teachers in Anne’s school told one grandmother that the food she packed for her granddaughter were not healthy snacks. The grandmother continued to pack the unhealthy foods because she pitied her grandchild. She would pacify her granddaughter using those snacks.

Although it is necessary for parents to acknowledge the important step the preschool child is taking and to provide support, overdoing the fussing and attention during this transition can also heighten your child’s anxiety. This is not the time for parents to feel guilty or lose their cool. Children need their parents to be self-assured when they themselves are anxious and fearful. They take their cues from the adults in their lives.

Parents must try to stay calm and controlled at all times even when the situation is tumultuous. I have observed that many parents would lose their temper when their children start fussing and refuse to go with their preschool teachers. When children behave badly in the presence of their parents and teachers, they need time to calm down. The last thing they need is having their parents threaten them and shout at them. Parents should not take it personally when their children are not able to cope with home-school transitions.

Having many years of experience working with parents and children in early childhood education, Anne highly recommends that parents volunteer in their children’s preschool to read stories, get involved in art and craft activities or help out with snack time. This way children who are feeling insecure about being in preschool can feel reassured by having their parents play a part in the school programme.

Syd

Dad holds the key
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Fathers leave an indelible mark in their children’s lives.

A FATHER plays a vital role in the family. He is more than just the breadwinner. He is the nurturer who has significant influence on his children’s growth and development. A hands-on father is also a productive worker who sets a positive example for his family.

When a father interacts with his child, he builds on the child’s brainpower. When he holds up his child, he would tickle her or swing her around. He would show her many things that are in the environment.

His child develops a sense of awareness from playing with Dad. She learns to anticipate his movements and her learning is reinforced when she gets it right.

Physical and eye contact are two important elements in the father’s interactions with his children. They should be natural, comfortable and not showy or overdone. A child whose parents use eye and physical contact will be comfortable with herself and other people.

It is found that parents with high self-esteem tend to show more love and acceptance of their children. When children are encouraged rather than criticised or punished, they will be more successful in their learning.

Children will be more committed to staying in school and show greater determination to succeed when they have their father’s unceasing support. A father enhances his children’s cognitive development and school achievements.

A mother lamented that her 16-year-old son is defiant and has problems at school. He has been tardy and playing truant. His teachers find it hard to tolerate his challenging behaviour. She is struggling to keep her son from dropping out of school. She added that her son could not get along with his father.

Children look up to their fathers for a sense of commitment. They need to know the importance of education and believe strongly in work ethics. It has been found that teenagers stay out of trouble and remain in school longer when they have a positive relationship with their fathers.

Dr Thomas Lickona in his book, Raising Good Children, pointed out that it is important for a child to develop a sense of identity within his family. He said that teenagers continue to need adults in their lives and the family plays an important role in keeping them morally rooted and knowing who they are.

When a father is available and caring, he shows his sons his nurturing skills in feeding, bathing and changing them just like their mother. By doing so, when his sons grow up, they too will honour this role as a nurturer who is hands-on.

A father who is committed to his role contributes to his daughter’s sense of self-worth. Successful women have often spoken highly of how their fathers inspired them to pursue their dreams. Their fathers have shown them how they can shape and contribute to the world they live in as women. Their fathers had faith in them as individuals who are capable and did not regard them as the weaker sex.

In many cultures today, men and women continue to differ in their roles in the family. Women are responsible for childcare and housework, while men take on more masculine roles. There will be greater happiness when men and women share equal responsibility in raising a family.

Research findings from Western Europe and North America tell us that a father’s anchoring presence in raising children will make them more gender sensitive. It is hoped that in the future, our children will create a gender equitable society, in which men and women share the same respect.

Fathers are creative playmates. They bring a different perspective to the parent-child relationship. They show children different ways of doing things. Fathers tend to let children go the extra mile and cheer them on with great enthusiasm. They are also more relaxed with them and allow their children to take more chances than mothers normally do.

They will indulge in play activities with their children that mothers are not comfortable. They enjoy roughhousing, are more tolerant of mess and more concerned with the fun they can create with their children. This translates to enabling the young learners to take bolder steps in exploration and experimentation. Children with interested fathers tend to show more initiative and self-control.

To all the fathers out there: You are essential to your child’s life. You are the beacon that guides them as they journey on. Happy Father’s Day!

Syd

Be a good neighbour
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

A close-knit community provides a safe environment for children to grow up in.

WHEN shopping for a new house, you will probably look for one where the children can attend the neighbourhood school.

You probably would not have given much thought to your neighbours and how they can affect your family life. However, research has shown that good neighbours can help prevent crimes and make the neighbourhood safer for our children to live in.

When both parents work, living next door to a neighbour who can help out occasionally is a big bonus. Good neighbours go beyond exchanging nods and greetings when they meet.

Interestingly, a study conducted in Chicago found that some adolescents were less likely to engage in sexual activities if they lived in neighbourhoods where the adults were monitoring them closely.

In close-knit neighbourhoods, children will get the chance to see other adults who reinforce the same norms and values as their parents. With this extra bit of assistance from neighbours, parents need not watch their children like a hawk round the clock because there are many eyes out there. Children tend to engage in healthy and positive activities if they grow up in a close-knit community. Friendly and concerned neighbours can help us raise good children.


Close-knit: Residents keeping a watchful eye over the neighbourhood children.

Having neighbours who share similar values can enhance family life.

Today’s busy and stressed-out parents need all the help they can get from their existing network. Neighbours whom you trust can provide the help needed when friends and relatives live apart.

For a young mother with limited resources, a helpful neighbour can make sure that her children are not left unsupervised in an empty house. Children need to live among people who care about them. They feel more secure when they can turn to someone for help when Mum and Dad are not around. It also turns out that having happy neighbours can make us happy, too.

A study conducted by researchers from Harvard Medical School who published their findings in the British Medical Journal claimed that living next to a happy neighbour could boost our own happiness. When you meet happy and considerate neighbours, it will certainly brighten up your day.

Apparently, this frequent contact has more impact on us than deep social relations. Even your closest family member cannot affect you as much as the aunty next door who is always smiling and often brings over something for you to eat.

On the flip side, having an angry and mob-like neighbour can be devastating to family life. A neighbour of mine has such an experience with the people living next door. She can hardly find a peaceful moment because there are noisy activities at her neighbour’s house most of the time. Cars parked in front of her house block her driveway.

There is animosity in the air whenever the neighbours meet. We used to hear music coming from her house. It is dead silent these days. Both her children used to be outgoing and cheerful. Sadly, we hardly see them around in the neighbourhood. Family life is affected when there is tension in the community.

This goes to show that shared happiness can build communities, while neighbourly dissension can wreck families.

Parents who have young children should participate in the neighbourhood watch. Getting to know one’s neighbours may take some time but it is worth the effort. You will never know when you may need some help. Car-pooling to the market can make a difference in our budget. There has to be give-and-take between neighbours to make things work. Parking space in residential areas can pose a problem. The situation gets worse when one neighbour hosts a party.

Traffic and packing woes can draw out the ugly side of people. To get a good neighbour, there has to be good communication. It starts with us; we can practise neighbourliness.

As the saying goes: “Do to others as you would others do unto you”. We must start with the first step for our family’s sake. Cooperating with your neighbour will be mutually beneficial for our families and children. If your neighbour does not understand neigbourliness, get them a picture book by Laurie Keller entitled, Do Unto Otters.

Syd

A matter of discipline
CHILDWISE By RUTH LIEW

There are ways to get things done without screaming at your child.

HAVE you ever screamed at your child for misbehaving and later regret doing so? Many of us admit to such folly. The problem with screaming and shouting is that it makes the situation worse.

Children do not react positively to their parents’ shouting. They are the world’s greatest copycats. They would shout and scream back to get their way the moment they get a chance.

It is important to unlearn all the parenting lessons that promote full dominion over children. To do it right, you have to be that person you want your child to be. You do not want your children to act out your worst behaviour but to adopt your best behaviour.

Some families practise using “indoor” and “outdoor” voices. Parents would speak to their children as calmly as possible, no matter what the situation.

Children understand clearly that they can shout and scream outdoors because the high volume will not disturb others.

You may find it difficult to stay calm with your children at all times. Here are alternatives to screaming and shouting at them:

Bedtime

It is hard for many parents to keep their cool when it comes to getting active children to bed every night. With all that whining and fighting with siblings, it is easy for parents to yell at their children before packing them off to bed.

Many experts have suggested that setting a routine that is manageable and enjoyable for children can make bedtime a quiet and peaceful affair. Read your child’s favourite book together or cuddle up for some quiet time.

Start bedtime half an hour earlier so that children can prepare for it without the need to ask: “Can I have 10 minutes more to finish watching this show?” You can calmly say to your child: “You have half an hour to finish this show and then it’s off to bed.”

Waking up

Wake-up time is a noisy affair in my household. My two girls are always asking for more time in bed. To make it less intense, our wake-up call usually allows for that extra time they always ask for.

Like getting children to bed, waking up has to be pleasant, something children can look forward to.

Many families have a brief family moment before starting the day. You can say a prayer or read aloud a book for less than 10 minutes. Children can also get excited over small amounts of nutritious food for breakfast instead of making them eat large servings of food they dread seeing.

Remember, the more relaxed you feel, the happier your child will be. She will wake up and get ready for the day without much fuss.

Bath time

Getting school-age children to take their baths after school often results in a shouting match between parent and child.

Children come home from school tired and stressed out. They find it difficult to unwind, just like how their parents feel after a hard day’s work. Feeling irritable, children will pick a fight over the smallest issue.

Try doing something fun together to unwind for a few short moments. When your child gets a chance to talk about her day, you may want to suggest that she can make herself feel a lot better by washing worries away.

Homework time

This is really tough on many parents, especially the ones with primary schoolchildren. The overwhelming load of homework is off-putting to any young child. So instead of screaming at your child to do his homework, you may want to help him organise a little.

Accept that your child needs your help until he can do things independently. Rather than waste your energy on yelling at him to make him do his homework, spend time finding ways to make homework bearable.

Encourage him with positive words like, “You are working hard” or “I like the way you pay attention to your homework.”

They won’t listen to me

Children will take some time before they actually know what you really want of them. Be patient. Your yelling will not yield much cooperation anyway. They need time to adjust and change their ways.

Try treating them with respect and kind words. Your children are more likely to respond better to you when you treat them fairly. They know you are patient when you control your own behaviour. Just as you accept them, they will accept your ways to please you.

It is true that parents make mistakes when it comes to managing children’s behaviour. Rather than feeling guilty, turn it into a learning opportunity.

If you are at fault, apologise and show how you admit your mistake. Your children will learn better from your example. They may want to try that honest way of correcting their mistakes.

Syd

Making it work
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Parents can diffuse a potential hotspot by using the right approach.

A FATHER said to his 13-year-old daughter: “I’m sorry I snapped at you like that. I wish I had done a better job in teaching you the right values, then you might not have acted that way.” His child turned around, drying her teary eyes, and replied: “I’m sorry too. It’s not your fault. I just have not learned those lessons yet.”

This was a scene from a popular family sitcom. In real life, parent-child relationships do not always go the way they should. Sometimes parents say things they don’t mean and start pointing fingers at their children without giving them a chance to explain.

I’m sure many parents have at one time or another, asked accusingly: “Who left this mess on the floor?”

The usual response from the child is: “I didn’t do it” or “I don’t know.” Or they start blaming each other. Fights between parents and children escalate from a simple misunderstanding to a major breakdown in communication. Many parents lament the fact that their children refuse to tell the truth when they know lying is wrong.

In most cases, when parents and children argue or fight over a mess, they are really working on a bigger issue. For the parent, it is about their child taking responsibility. The child acts negatively towards his parent when he is reprimanded for leaving a mess because he wants his parent to really listen to him.

Changes in approach to the conflict between parent and child can make a difference in the results. The parent, feeling angry and blaming his child, can take a moment to evaluate his child’s behaviour in relation to his own. The parent’s accusatory tone can perpetuate the problem.

Stop making excuses. The more you dwell on what caused the child to make the mistake, the less time you have for working out possible solutions. To stop the blaming game, parents must be ready to face the challenge and deal with it the best way they can. Know exactly what you need to work things out.

One common reason parents often give is: “I am too busy to give lengthy explanations. I don’t have the time to talk to him and explain to him.”

They just want the child to apologise and feel remorse for what he did. But the child hardly learns anything from this.

You can keep your explanations to your younger child short and simple. With your teenager, you may want to take some time to listen to his suggestions on how you can work together in seeking the best solution for the problem you face.

Children can understand better when you say what you mean and mean what you say. If you want your child to wipe up the mess he has made, tell him to do exactly that. Do not say to your child: “You never listen to me. You are always so clumsy. See what you have done again.”

When your children fight, refrain from asking: “Who started the fight?” Encourage your children to find a way to get along. Be clear on your expectations. Ask your child to do things that are developmentally and age appropriate. When it is too difficult for your child, he may not be able to cope and this may lead to frustration.

Children will make mistakes. This is how they learn. They may need time to change their behaviour. Whenever possible, turn a potential problem into a manageable situation. Children can learn from the way parents act in making things work for everyone in the family.

My mother used to say: “A problem is not a problem until you call it a problem. If you are overwhelmed by your children’s misbehaviour, do time-out for yourself but do not withdraw from your children.

I used to tell my girls when they were little: “Mummy needs a five-minute break to keep quiet. When I feel better, we will talk more.”

Many family conflicts can be solved by just taking a few minutes to focus on the love between family members, instead of on one’s angry feelings.

Children respond better to messages of love and they learn more from knowing that things can work out. When things are not going right in the family, try using these words: “We need to work things out together. Let’s talk.”

Syd

A child who steals
12 August 2009
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

What to do when your child lies and steals.

I AM a working parent with a 10-year-old son. He has been stealing money and telling lies. A few months ago, he started to take money without permission. He has repeated this action several times.

Once he asked me for money to pay for a class outing. I found out later that the school trip was cancelled but he did not inform me about it or return the money to me.  

How can I help my son to stop this habit of stealing and lying? – Upset Mother

Parents are troubled when their children steal and lie. They worry that such behaviour may eventually lead them to the path of crime and deceit when they grow up.

Fortunately, parents can rest assured that children who occasionally steal and lie, often grow up to be law-abiding citizens.

Children steal for many reasons.

Older children know that stealing and lying are unacceptable and they will be punished if they are caught.

For some children, they steal because they lack attention from their parents.

They may want their parents to take notice of them. When they are caught stealing, they are given the attention they yearn for. In this case, negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Children may also steal because they know they can get away with it. In fact, they find it exciting when they can take what they want without asking.

Parents may even encourage them to do so. Their children may hear them boast about how they managed to pack extra apples in the hypermart without having to pay for them. Or lying about their ages in the restaurants to get free kid’s meals.

Children witness adults cheating, stealing and lying all the time in public places.

Find out the reason why your child is taking money without asking. Is he afraid to ask you for money to buy what he wants?

Sometimes children may have trouble distinguishing between borrowing and stealing.

In the case of the money for a school trip, your son may have reasons to believe that he can use the money given to him since the school trip has been cancelled. Talk to your child about this.

When you talk to your child, examine your responses to him. Do you punish too harshly or humiliate him when he is caught stealing or lying?

To eliminate stealing and lying from your child’s behaviour, you must find a way to reach out to him. Remain calm and stay in control. Getting overly upset or showing your disappointment can instill feelings of guilt in your child.

The worse your son feels, the longer this negative habit may continue.

Your child needs to know how to get the things he wants without stealing or lying. Find out the reasons he needs money.

He can learn to earn the money for the things he wants to buy.

If possible, get him to do chores around the house for a regular income.

Children learn the value of money when they work for it.

Having a regular income also means your child will not have to steal money to get it.

Once you have found out about your son’s lying and stealing, monitor his behaviour and actions closely.

Get to know who his friends are and the activities they are involved in. It is important to know these things as your child’s social circle gets wider and the peer influence gets stronger.

Children have to learn that stealing and lying will only bring about negative consequences.

Parents can correct their behaviour by getting them to make restitution for their acts.

Punishing them for stealing and lying will only stop these acts momentarily. They need to know that stealing and lying only make it worse for them. They have to make up for what they have done.

To apologise, they have to know the appropriate actions to take.

If your child has stolen money, help him find a way to pay back what he has taken.

He can either take it out of his allowance or work to pay off what he owes.

You can tell him that you disapprove of his stealing and lying and that he can apologise by making up for what he has done.

By repaying the stolen money, he is only doing his part to make amends. He will also have to work at regaining your trust.

When he does the right thing, you must remember to praise him. Avoid bringing up the issue of stealing and lying once it is settled. Your child needs to know that he can have a fresh start.

Be a positive role-model for your child.

Parents who value honesty and integrity can help children to have a better understanding of why stealing is wrong.

You can tell your son of the times when honesty has paid off for you. You can share stories with your child on how stealing has caused the breakdown of families and destroyed the lives of loved ones.

Develop a close relationship with your child.

It is known that children who are close to their parents tend to take on their values.

They will also be open with their parents when they are troubled or confused.

Be available to listen and not just to lecture your child.

At your son’s age, he has many questions and needs someone who has the patience and time to help him find those answers.

Sometimes he may not know how to voice his frustration. If you are attentive, you may be able to help him put his feelings into words.

Syd

Guiding hand
19 August 2009
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Go with the flow to avoid unnecessary tussles with young children.

CHILDREN will stubbornly refuse help when they first learn to dress themselves. When they know how to do it, they may want you to dress them. The challenge is not there anymore and they start demanding your attention just when you think there is one less thing for you to do for your child.

Children need nurturing. You may find that your child who can do things for himself has become more needy than ever. Children go through this phase of independence and dependency.  

Taking it slow: Children need time and patience as they try to work things out.
Parents must remember that children who are fiercely trying to do things for themselves need time and patience as they attempt to work things out. They worry that you do not care anymore when they can do things by themselves.  

One of the common problems with dressing and undressing children is that you are usually in a rush as you prepare to go out together. If they do not hurry, you will be late.  

Parents must understand that being late is not the end of the world. Keep in mind that our need to be on time for everything is out of tune with children’s natural rhythms. Don’t expect them to regard time as importantly as you do.  

Children realise that they need to get dressed but they may not want to do it. This may result in a tantrum, which is not meant to imply that children are deliberately creating trouble for you. They are merely indicating that they cannot overcome their feelings and get on with the job at hand.  

Instead of rushing them along, one way is to say that you will wait until they are ready to start getting dressed. You may sit with them and read a book. Or you may help them sort out their clothes. They may feel more relaxed and decide to get dressed.  

Some children are fussy about what they wear. To get around this, let them help to choose what clothes to buy. Every day, give them a limited choice of what they want to wear: this or that.  

One of my friends went through a difficult time with her preschool daughter when doing her hair in the morning. Her daughter would insist that she has a certain number of clips on her hair. She likes to have her hair done in a certain way or else she would refuse to go to school.  

One day, she lost one of her hair clips. She burst out crying and refused to put on her uniform. During one of my visits, I suggested to her that we write a letter to her teacher about her lost hair clip and how this made her hair looked different. The preschooler immediately took a liking to the idea and forgot abouat the fuss she made earlier.

Children need to be acknowledged. They want the adults in their lives to treat them kindly and with respect. They may not have a schedule as important as the ones adults have.

Nevertheless, they need their time. They want you to know that they, too, want to do something at a certain time.  

Our role as the adults in their lives is to guide them and help them act appropriately. If you are rushing for time in the morning, get the clothes for the day, ready the night before. You will do well to get up having your breakfast and clothes for the day all ready.  

Set up your child for success and cooperation. When you have the time, go through your child’s closet with her. Work out sets of clothes for different occasions. After all, many adults these days seek the help of a professional dresser in choosing the right wardrobe. Your child can have loads of fun dressing up with you.  

Young children who have just started to dress themselves need fuss-free clothes. They do not need buttons that go this way and that. Get clothes with zippers that go up and down easily. Instead of shoes with laces, get the ones with Velcro or the slip-on types.  

Clothes made from natural fibre are best for children who prefer comfort over style. What’s with a little stain on a blouse when there are great stain removers that can help. Whatever children choose to wear, be proud of them and do not worry about stains. They will learn to be more careful with their clothes as they grow older.  

My sister always reminds me that clothes define the person who wears them. Children become confident and happy when they get to wear what they like.  

They also learn in time that certain clothes are meant for certain occasions. They will eventually get it right one day with what they choose to wear.

Syd

Asking it right
26 August 2009
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Open up channels of communication with your child by asking the right questions.

I ENJOY talking to children, especially those age three to five. Ask the right questions and you will get the most interesting answers. You can talk about anything with this age group.

They will always have something to add to what you say to them. But things start changing when they are older.

Parents can ask all sorts of questions but they only get monosyllabic answers from their children. Why is this so?  

Most older children have learned that parents only ask questions when they suspect trouble or want to correct a mistake. They do not really want to know what happened in school; what they really want to know is whether their children scored in their tests.

Children shy away from parents’ questions because they are too parent-centred. Most of the time, parents do not ask questions that are interesting to children. They tend to make children feel frustrated, rather than empowered. The questions evoke negative feelings instead of raising children’s self-esteem.

Parents can help children deal with their negative feelings by giving them helpful questions. When your child cries, you want to help him feel better.  

The last thing you want to do is to ask: “Why are you crying?” or “Why did you do that?” These questions will only make matters worse.  

When children are upset and fearful, they need someone to reassure them that everything will be all right. You are not helping when you just tell them to stop crying. You need to make sure that they know you are trying to understand them.

Mike Constantine, author of Marriage Works! offers this piece of advice. “If we always try to change the unchangeable… we will frustrate and embitter our children. However, it is just as damaging to let our children live with a weakness they could strengthen with the right kind of help.”

Take a moment to consider this: Is your question helpful? Your child has just broken the vase. She is petrified because you have warned her many times to avoid that corner. If you walk over and ask her harshly: “What happened? What did you do?” what follows in your interaction with your child will be disastrous.

Your question is stating the obvious. Your child knows this. She can either think you are stupid for asking or get defensive. She does not want to be reprimanded for giving the wrong answer. Your child will answer your question, “What did you do?” with “I did not do it.”  

Upon hearing such a blatant lie, you raise your voice and say: “Don’t lie to me. I know you broke the vase. How many times do I have to tell you to stop playing around here?” This question has just closed up your channel of communication with your child.  

Children find it rather annoying when parents badger them with questions that they don’t have the answers to. Many have learned over time that parents are not really interested in their real answers. Hence, children make up stories that they think Mum and Dad want to hear.

If you want your child to tell you more about school, you should avoid asking, “How was school today?”

One often-heard response is “Okay.” Instead, try asking, “I remember you telling me that your teacher was going to bring a surprise to class today. What was the surprise?” or “Tell me what was served at lunch in school today?” Pick on the most interesting time of school to start the conversation.

If you want to open communication channels with your child, be generous with your positive feelings. Show respect in your choice of words. Be kind in your line of questioning.

Children really do listen when you talk directly to them. When your child is in trouble, offer help first. You need to attend to them physically if they are hurt or emotionally if they are upset or frightened.

Children feel better when they are given uninterrupted time to respond. Some children can be quite spontaneous with their answers, while others tend to take a longer time.

I overheard one young child telling her father: “Wait. I cannot think so fast. I cannot answer you.

Syd

Teaching kids to share
2 September 2009
CHILDWISE
By RUTH LIEW

Children need guidance in dealing with sibling relationships.

ARE your children having problems sharing their toys? It is important to work out ownership with young children. Who owns the toy? Can a sibling play with it when it is left in the living room?

In many homes, younger children are given hand-me-down toys. This is often the cause of many sibling fights. The older child is still not willing to give up the toy after it has been given to the younger sibling.  

Supportive sister: Encourage your children to help one another.

Reluctantly, he obeys his mother when she tells him: “You are a big boy now. You do not play with this baby’s toy. Let your sister play with it.” He may have acted well accordingly but he is not pleased with what he has done.

Siblings may find it easier to share with other children but not with each other. Parents have observed how their children give willingly to their friends but they act selfishly towards their own siblings.

Living under one roof and competing for parental attention, siblings tend to keep scores when it comes to who won the last fight. “You spent more time on the swing the last time we were here” or “You let him have more than me,” or “You love him more because he is the baby.”

Children need to understand what ownership is all about. Before setting rules on ownership, be clear on what you want them to do. If the rules vary from child to child, then the siblings will feel resentful and angry towards one another.

Take, for example, the rule: “Seek permission first from the owner of the toy before playing with it.” Both older and younger siblings must abide by this. Parents cannot be more lenient with the younger child because they feel she is too young to understand.

Make your rules precise and consistent. If you have a tendency to forget, write them down and place it where everyone in the family can see them.

When the younger sibling cannot talk properly yet, parents can be her spokesperson. Assist her by asking her older sibling: “May I play with your toy? I will return it when I’m done.”

Respect the older child’s decision.

Adults find it easier to accept children’s decision when they agree to share but are not happy when they refuse to do so. It is not the end of the world when children decide differently from what we want of them. After all, they are individuals who are learning to be independent.

Children’s decision should be respected. Along with their decisions, they will have to face the consequences. Children who are acknowledged and respected tend to be better listeners and cooperate well. They learn to be responsible for their actions.

When one child is unable to share, don’t immediately jump in and take over the decision from them. Parents must stay out of their children’s disagreement. Tell your children: “You have a problem. You cannot play with the toy together at the same time. What can you do so both of you can be happy?”

With the very young ones, you can suggest trading one toy for another or you can choose other toys to play together. Use distraction when all fails. Get the younger child interested in something else. Do not force the older child to give in.

I know one mother who felt strongly about sharing – she wanted the older child to be generous with the younger one. She would insist that the younger child gets the toy from her sister.

In later years, the younger child would say: “Mummy loves me more. You have to give me your toys.”

They fought over everything and would not stop until one wins and the other loses.

Children need guidance in dealing with sibling relationships. It is more beneficial for them to work on how they feel about each other rather than the toys they play with.  

Encourage your children to help one another. You could say: “Jane, you have shared your cookie with your brother. That was very nice of you.”

Reinforce their behaviour when they act generously towards one another. They need more of your attention on their positive behaviours rather than their negative ones.

You will get more mileage when you say to your children: “Remember the time you shared your blocks with your sister? She was very happy that you did that.”